yup. work/internship update

Life continues to be hectic at the Eau Claire Academy. I was once again offered a promotion at work, which I had to turn down due to leaving the country shortly after graduation. I was offered a more than full-time permanent position complete with benefits, effective immediately or upon graduation. The interesting part was that it was offered to me on the exact day I came in armed with my official resignation letter, complete with last date of employment. My boss came in and stated that she was not trying to badger me into anything and was not trying to change my future plans, but that she had been authorized to give me another promotion with a salaried position. The offer came completely by surprise and I was very flattered to be given the opportunity. I politely declined the offer and gave her my resignation letter. She seemed genuinely disappointed but congratulated me on my move none the less. 

            Her offer made me reflect upon the work I am doing there. It seems that every time I get wrapped up in my work or stressed out then something happens to lift my spirits and remind me of the quality of the work I am doing. It is nice to know that my hard work and concentration has been noticed by others in the facility to the point where I was rewarded for it. It makes the past few weeks a bit easier to digest. In addition to notification by my co-workers at the ECA, I have been receiving verbal recognition from agency workers and parents of my clients. This is also a small way that my work has been recognized.

During the chaos of the past few weeks it has been easy to see the downfalls of working in a residential treatment facility of that caliber. It has been interesting to watch how my colleges have coped with the changes in dynamics in the building. Some of them have begun to isolate themselves to become more focused, others have reached out to one another, a few have taken personal days, and a couple have become a bit less patient with co-workers. This has been a good thing for me to reflect upon because it has given me the chance to see how each of these options has impacted the clinical team. A downfall of this chaos has been the stretching of the already limited resources available to the ECA. With the kids in such emotional distress, it has been difficult to pool resources enough to get them de-escalated and stabilized. Direct care staff has taken the hardest hit in this area due to the increase in client incidents left to be handled largely by this group of people. Unfortunately, these are typically the least trained individuals and the ones most likely to get impatient with the clients when they let the behavior of the client affect them on a personal level.

It has been such an interesting experience at the ECA due to the many opportunities they have given me to learn and grow as a professional. It is strange to think that now that I am completely comfortable and settled that I will have to soon begin transitioning out. It will be a good thing to move on to bigger and better things in a new country full of another large learning curve to get over. I have certainly learned a lot about working in this profession already and look forward to the transitioning process so that I can feel I have come full circle in the course of a year at my site.

My official Announcement

a typical English shoppe :)

Now that I have told the people closest to me about my decision, I feel it is ok for me to write it all down here.

The news - I have decided to move to England.

Yes, that is correct, I made a huge life decision and am announcing it here.

My plan is to graduate from Stout in December and then move back to Iowa by the end of the year. I will spend roughly 2 months in Iowa selling my things before I move to England in February.

From there I will try to find a job. I am hoping to get something in the mental health field, but am being realistic in the fact that I will not be ready to be a therapist over there right away. They run things differently and I think it would be best to be a case manager or work in crisis or adoption. We shall see tho, I am keeping a very open mind. My best bet it to find something in the social work realm (which does include some mental health jobs over there) working with children and their families. This is posted by the UK as a "high need job" and would be the easiest for me to get a visa for. Otherwise I will need to find a job that cannot be filled by the employers of the UK. This is why I am looking into crisis, as this is an up and coming field in which I have multiple years experience. Also residential work has a high turn over rate and I have many many years experience in that. 

I am in a wedding in June (yay Sara and Matt!) so I will be back in the states for a few weeks for that. I am hoping to have found a job by then so that my visa can process and I can send more of my personal things over. 

Once Alex and I are back in the UK we plan on getting a place of our own and starting a life together.

I know the economy is bad everywhere and still recovering from minor depressions. This is working against me a bit cuz there will be less jobs available and more people looking. A plus is that getting a masters is less popular in the UK than it is in the states. Hopefully my education and experience boosts me ahead of everyone. If not, the Alex and I are looking at getting married. I know I know, some people are against that idea. It is risky cuz we haven't been in the same country for long and blah blah....But we know our relationship and do have a very strong one despite being apart. It will work, if it comes down to that. The doubters will see :)

And that is pretty much it atm, as far at the plan goes. I am keeping it free of small details so I don't get caught up in being stressed or pressured or whatever. My detailed plans never work out anyways.

Alex and I are very excited about all of this. It will be 5 years we have been together before we have lived in the same country. How crazy. It is more than time for that to happen! I know there are several people who are less than pleased about this decision I am making, for a variety of reasons. I will further detail my reasoning for this in a future blog, I promise.

Job Journal for Internship

 

unrelated photo, but Alex recreated Jimmy Johns at his house!

These past two weeks have been a test of my ability to set professional boundaries for myself with co-workers. My caseload has grown to a very respectable 13 clients and I continue to work 30 hours a week. My meditation practices continue to be helpful in managing my stress levels at work and helping me to focus on my clients. Completing them before I leave the office has continued to help me keep work at work. 

Last week I was offered full-time hours at the Eau Claire Academy and a pay raise. This was very complimentary and came out of nowhere. I was very flattered and made that known but was hesitant to accept the offer. I was assertive with my boss and requested the weekend to think the offer over and evaluate whether or not I would be able to handle the extra hours and maintain school. I decided I could not and declined the offer.

Additionally, I had to assert myself with my boss and tell her that I could no longer accept additional clients to my caseload. I am very busy with the client’s I do have and do not want to compromise the quality of my therapy for quantity. At the same time I informed my boss that I if I was going to keep my most recent client on my caseload that I did not feel comfortable completing as much office work as I have been this semester. 

This is a positive development for myself as a professional because I have the tendency to make personal sacrifices for the good of others or the group. Particularly because I am the lowest on the therapy totem pole at the Eau Claire Academy, my intentions all along have been to learn as much as I can and get through without making any waves. This changed once I got hired on and I now feel much more comfortable with the other therapists in the building. I am very proud of myself for standing my ground and asking for what I need from my co-workers. 

My next task at work is to let my boss know that I will not be staying on staff after the end of the year. Since I have officially decided to move overseas post graduation, I have decided that I need to let my boss know so that my clients have time to be transitioned to other therapists and she has time to find another therapist to hire on. I just found out today that she is under the assumption that I will want to sign a full-time contract with benefits once I graduate. My current contract only goes until the semester is over and when I was hired on the plan was to reevaluate my performance at the end of the year. 

My plan is to inform my boss of this information during our next supervision meeting later this week. I think she will be fairly understanding but am somewhat concerned based on what I know that happened to the last therapist that left the facility. Some of my co-workers have said that they would not want to tell our boss so far in advance, but I think it is the right thing to do. I think she will particularly appreciate this because there are two other therapists that are close to going on maternity leave. No matter how it turns out, I think it will be more good practice of my ability to be assertive towards authority figures.

Another advancement in my professional life is what I am doing to fulfill my personal life. I have recently joined a non mental health related club on campus, gotten more involved in my church, and started doing more sewing, cooking, and art in my free time. These have greatly enhanced the quality of my personal life and served as helpful coping skills when my personal life is stressing me out. I am currently logging my recreational activities and coping skills in a journal so I can keep track of which ones are more helpful in a variety of situations. This has been very beneficial and interesting for me to explore. It has helped me to further define my coping skills list to help me effectively manage my emotions.

Domesticated Gal

This is a photo from a recent scavenger hunt Alex created for me. An emo photo one. I had to have the dinner set for the two of us. 

I have chosen this photo due to my recent drive to be a bit more domestic. I have been putting a lot of effort lately into these types of activities. I am better about making an actual, healthy, balanced meal in the evenings after work. I have been doing a lot of sewing and artzy stuff such as painting and crafts. 

I find that these things are really helpful to make my life more meaningful. Sure, sometimes I am really lazy and don't follow through with my intended plans of making an elaborate meal or find the energy to paint at night. But when I do, I find myself to be a bit more fulfilled.

These things are not only helping to further my housewifing skills, keep myself well fed, or to make something pretty while wasting my time. They are also doing more for me. I am using these things as a coping skill. They soothe me and give me a create release at the end of a long, stressful day. They do not always 100% work, but they are helping to make my time here more more quickly. 

I have noticed the weeks flying by lately. I am nearly halfway done with my last semester already! Am I ready for it to be done? Am I ready to transition back into the working work? I think so. This semester has given me the oppertunity to be in a unique half work half school situation. It is a balancing act, and I continue to learn alot about my field and about myself. And I think this is a good thing. I want to be as prepared as possible to join the mental health field in full force. I have no doubt I will succeed, but the more prep the smoother transition. Part of this preparation includes bringing more specification to my coping skills list and finding hobbies that can make my out of work life blossom. I already have coping skills for work (the meditation I spoke about in previous postings continues to go well, thank you for asking) and now my domestic skills seem to be part of my hobbies. I am finding it fun to experiment and am pleased at the success I've been having. I hope to continue these practices to after I complete school so I can carry the level of focus and content I am trying to build in my home environment.

This means a lot to me because if I only live once then I want to make this life worthwhile. After school I will be fairly satisfied with my education level and can begin to build a meaningful career for myself. The rest of my life must follow suit and I think these practices are a big part of that, particularly for someone in my field where others are putting their woes on me all day long.  

Job/Internship Journal

First of all, I have decided that I am going to add a photo to every blog entry, just for fun. So enjoy that. Secondly, my update is on how my big people job as a therapist/my internship. Hope that's ok.

             As my caseload at work/internship continues to grow, I find myself getting more and more busy throughout the work day. Because I am limited on how many hours the ECA will pay me, I often find myself without enough time to properly plan my group therapy sessions. This leaves me to doing it outside of work time. I do not have a problem doing some of this because I know that as I accumulate materials, curriculum, and experience, it will become easier for me to plan group therapy quickly.

            With the addition of added clients comes additional paperwork. Several of my clients are new to the ECA as so I am responsible for administering various evaluations and tests so that I can create treatment plans and recommendations. I do not have much experience in this so it takes me awhile to complete the write-ups, recommendations, and treatment plans. So far, other staff members have been very patient and supportive in helping me as much as they can in this process. However, with the environment being chaotic and everyone being busy, I do not get a lot of assistance in completing these documents.

            Being that I am new to all of this, and the only intern in the building, it is difficult not to compare myself to other staff members, particularly the other therapists. I know this unreasonable of me, but occasionally I do find myself getting stressed out due to thoughts of self comparison. This has not been helpful to my stress level, the work I am doing, or to the clients I serve. This stress was even beginning to affect me outside of work. I was finding it difficult to leave work at work. I would worry about what I had done with clients or what I would be doing with them in my next sessions. I was not providing bad practice and I had not done anything wrong to be so concerned about. Upon reflection, I realized that it was all due to me holding myself to unrealistic standards.

            Due to being surrounded by professionals that have their degree, license, and additional certificates or trainings, I was also holding myself to their same standards without realizing it. I was expecting too much of myself and putting too much pressure on what I was doing. In reality, I was and continue to do good work with my clients. I am putting in my best faith effort, doing no harm, following ethics codes, and maintaining sound boundaries while conducting therapy with my clients. I am not yet graduated and still have much to learn about adaptive what I have been taught at Stout to the adolescent residential setting. The work I am doing has been getting positive feedback by peers and superiors, and I am able to ask for help when I need it.

            Since realizing all of this, I have begun to see things in a different perspective. I continue to keep my eyes open for all opportunities to learn, I seek out additional resources as often as possible, and I do not allow myself to compare the work I am doing to the work of my experienced co-workers. Additionally, I have began to use additional coping skills of my own to stay focused while at work and to leave work at work. Specifically, I have begun to utilize some relaxation and meditation techniques before and after work every day over the last week and a half.

            The routine of my day now starts off with a brief 5 minute meditation to get myself centered and focused on the day and doing my best work. On the way to work I listen to a specific song and recite positive affirmations. Such things as “I am doing my best faith effort to help my clients as much as I can in the time I have them, with the resources available to me”, “I am still learning”, “I can only learn from, not expect myself to be, those professionals around me”, “nobody is expecting me to re-invent the wheel or cure my clients”, and “The choices my clients make are not a direct reflection of my capabilities as a therapist”. After work, I do an additional meditation exercise where I let go of all the loose ends from the day and stressful situations before I leave my office.

            I have found this to be extremely helpful for my own stress level. I have been more relaxed and focused throughout the work day as a whole, increasing my ability to give my best to my clients. I no longer think of or worry about my clients outside of work. I also am sleeping better and no longer dream about work or my clients. I am not getting overwhelmed with paperwork or feeling pressure to perform at the level of my co-workers. I intend on continuing this practice and additionally exploring my other coping skills further to refine them for maximum assistance for me in my practice.

Drugged Up Inspiration

Been overly active lately and I guess must have overdone it last night at Zumba cuz I woke up sore today. The good kind of sore that means you have had a great workout. Then I worked a day shift at the crisis center and sat at a desk with less than supportive computer chairs. My back was getting to me so I decided to take some of my pain meds upon getting home......

Its been about a half hour since I took them and I gotta say that I get why people get addicted to this kinda stuff.

My 5 Senses

I was thinking about this the other night and decided to finally put it into words. Something triggered me to wonder about this and here it is....I am about to attempt to list my top 5 things that fall into each of my 5 senses.

Sight

1- a client making a connection in session that leads to lasting change. This is the most rewarding feeling for me....ever. Working in residential I do no see a lot of quick change within my clients. One step forward, two steps back idea. So when a client does have one of those "ah-ha" moments it floors me and makes my week.

2- Constellations. I don't know much about them, but I adore watching them in a field late at night under a blanket and making up stories....with the one I love, of course.

3- Plane taking off. It is a mixture of a sense of beauty and awe as the plane breaks through the clouds, exposing the clouds as far as the eye can see. I also enjoy the landing and watching the landscape's symmetric geography bustle below, unaware of those looking down from above.

4- The ocean. so calm and so ferocious.

5- Approaching storms. watching clouds roll in and the wind pick-up, followed by the sky darkening as rain and lightning approaches. It's soothing.

Smell

1- England. Trust me, it has a distinct smell. And I love it. It makes me cry when I return from a trip because all of my belongings and myself smell of England. I do not notice it while I am there, only when I just land. I am hyper aware of it the second I leave. It gives me comfort. It soothes.

2- Clean Linen. Fresh scent that compliments everything.

3- Camp. well, the scent reminds me of it. Its that summery field, slightly damp grassy smell that emerges on a cooling summer evening.

4- rain on a summer night.

5- my hair in the rain. I know it sounds like I am full of myself, but it's a great smell. If I were a vampire, I'd find me irresistible in the rain.

Taste

1- Apples. my favorite food.

2- Cheese. so many good flavors that go well with so many things.

3- Cider. a good one. from England. clearly.

4- Tea. Not piping hot. sometimes of the English variety with milk, sometimes the crap stuff from a Chinese restaurant.

5- Tiramisu. best desert ever.

Sound

1- Alex's voice. I could haven in love with just that. I adore his voice and accent, specifically his vocal tone when addressing me. It changes when he speaks to me.

2- Alex's ring tone. It doesn't happen near enough. I will stop everything and frantically search for my phone when I hear it.

3- The skype noise when someone messages you. Similar to above, but I hear it more and a laptop's easier to find.

4- Rocky alternative guitar rocking music that's backed with some awesome piano and accompanied by a great voice and some emo lyrics.

5- a storm when I sleep. it soothes.

Touch

1- Cracking my back and neck in the morning. great start to the day. wakes me up and gets me moving and the bones back into place.

2- tracing my tattoos.

3- the purr of my cat. hands down the best at soothing me touch-wise when I am upset. I like it so much that I swear in a past life I was Autistic. The vibration when I cuddle him next to my body or lay my head on his tummy makes me never want to let go.

4- Massages. who doesn't? I prefer just getting the knots worked out to anything else....as long as I am not ticklish that day.

5- my bed. it is so comfy and also supportive on my back.

so there you go. turns out a lot of them are Alex related or for self-soothing purposes. It was interesting to sit and try to come up with. Good list. Makes me happy.

In Need of Some Inspiration

Been feeling a bit low lately. I am bored and stressed. And lonely. I miss Alex a lot...but that's another story. I am mostly preoccupied with what is going to happen after graduation. I know what I want and where I want to be. I never doubt that. I am worried about how to make it happen. I guess I am worried about failing. Worried about being inadequate. I think all of this comes from me finally realizing that some of those hopes and wishes I had for myself, the ones I thought were unrealistic, might be a possibility in my future if I work hard enough. I guess I doubt that I have the intelligence and skill to make it happen. I know that I am smart and determined, but what if I fall short and go for what I want and then fail. I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't make it happen.....I just really want to make a difference and reach my goals. And I am scared. Scared of trying. Scared of not trying. Scared of trying and failing. I know I am just having a moment of weakness and doubt. I am sure I will eventually head down that path. Or maybe I will go down a different one. At this point, I am unsure. And that's ok. I will work it out at some point. Then I will be on my way to a good future. The right future.

man I am lame. what a corny blog I create. yuck.

another internship one.

I have seen a lot of growth in myself over this past semester. I am noticing that I am getting a lot better at confronting clients when they are being incongruent. This was particularly difficult for me at the beginning of the program and something I have worked hard to change about myself. This skill has come in handy a lot with my current client population because so many of them lie, manipulate, and say things that are contradictory. Getting more comfortable utilizing this skill has made me a lot more at ease working with this population. I take a much more direct approach to topics than I originally started off doing with my clients. I am certainly still able to be soft and supportive, but have added the additional layer of ability to confidently confront the client. I think this shows to my clients because that appear more likely now to be honest with me when I do confront them.

Another thing I have noticed about myself throughout this semester is my ability to integrate multiple approaches into my sessions. I am finding it increasingly easier to add in various techniques that might work well for my clients. I have always been adaptable in my sessions but since incorporating techniques from a variety of theories I have found my ability to stay on topic or relate a client’s sidebar to the topic of discussion has increased. This has also allowed me to better tailor the session to the client’s needs at the time rather than attempting to plan ahead and squeeze in the planned technique around the direction the session followed.

Additionally, I have been able to observe a wide variety of technique and theory through my site supervisor and other therapists. It has been interesting to watch and interact with other therapists to get their opinions on client cases. I have enjoyed the input of the therapists because they have been able to educate me on a lot of the covert rules of the academy. This has helped to raise my awareness for things like gang related behavior, run preparation, common insults, and drug related terms that live exclusively in the ECA culture. This knowledge has helped me to detect manipulation and subtle defiant behaviors more quickly than before.

Internship Update

Internship has gotten very interesting lately. I have been given the opportunity to do a lot more of the initial intake assessments over the past few weeks. I have found this to be a great opportunity for me to grow in my practice as a therapist. It is interesting for me to give the various tests and gather the intake information and then watch the client change through the treatment process. All of the testing is completed within the first 3 weeks of their arrival and is done when the client is in the honeymoon phase at ECA. I like to see how they change after that period of time and see if I was able to predict the areas they were lying on during the intake evaluation. Much of what the clients report is downplayed or exaggerated in an attempt to make the client look better for themselves. I have found myself to have gotten better at detecting this lying or manipulation, even though during the intake and testing process is not the appropriate time to call attention to these bluffs. I find it interesting that the clients know we have various assessments and background given to us from past placements etc that tell us the reasons the client has come to the ECA for treatment. Despite this, they often still lie about things until their behavior unfolds weeks into treatment.

The other interesting thing I have found lately is that all of the client whom are schizophrenic or have some type of hallucinations have been having psychotic breaks over the past month. I have found it fascinating to work with these clients and watch how their behavior and thought patterns change based on where they are at in their cycle. I have learned in class and read about in books what this is like for clients and how it will be outwardly expressed in the clients’ behaviors. I have found it to be a very different experience to watch develop in person. It has been somewhat difficult to piece together at times because two of the clients are also diagnosed with conduct issues. This gets difficult to know if the client is lying to me or if they are having delusions. I have also found it beneficial to talk with one kid that has had active hallucinations for about 5 years and has a fairly good handle on coping with his scary hallucinations.  He has given me some insight on what it is like to experience such hallucinations and has told me about the things he does to reality check and also keep the hallucinations from progressing. Of course, this does not work all of the time but I find it helpful to hear from him things that work so I can pass them along to other clients in the future who may benefit from trying some of these techniques.

my book (chapter)!

Found out yesterday that the book chapter I helped write will be published this summer...so I should for sure have a copy before I graduate in December! I am so very excited about this. It was interesting to work on this project with the ladies and I kinda think I might want to pursue things of that nature in the future. For those of you who are unaware of what I am talking about - the Spring semester I completed a chapter with two girls in my program and one of our professors that has been accepted for publication in an activity based book for career counseling. Our chapter is an activity geared at high school juniors and seniors that are interested in exploring career choices. It is a group based activity that encourages the students to so some outside research on a few of their potential careers and then try out those persons in front of their peers based on what they learned from the research. The idea is for the students to explore what it might be like to take on that career role and get feedback from their peers about it. There is also included in the activity a decision latter based on some gestalt techniques to help the students weigh the pros and cons of each job they choose to explore. The idea is not for this activity to necessarily lead to a career choice, but to help start the exploration process. The book is called  Experiential Activities for Teaching Career Counseling and for Facilitating Career Groups (Volume III) and my chapter is entitled The People in Your Neighborhood: Career Exploration in a Group Setting. I will keep people posted on when/where they can check it out. I am really excited about it!

Dream #7

had a horrid dream on Sunday night. I had been working all weekend and was tired so went to bed fairly soon after returning from work. That probably had loads to do with it. here is goes:

I was chatting to the overnight guy after work (which I actually had done that night) and finally left. For some reason I was walking home during the day from work. The area was not familiar to me in real life but I seemed to know where I was going in my dream. I received a phone call from the wife of a man I had helped that night at work. on my cell phone for some reason. As I was talking to her, I noticed a man sortof stumbling along ahead of me. We were walking towards a highway overpass. It was one of the ones right by an exit because there was stoplights. I became increasingly concerned about the man in front of me, although not really giving him my full attention. As we approached the stoplight he suddenly jumped on the stoplight and crawled up to the top. It was one that was just on a straight pole on the curb and not that hangs over the road. He stood on top and now had my attention. Suddenly he began to, what looked like at first, fall off the stoplight. His body was stiff and he sortof fell over. Then I realized that he had intentionally jumped, as his body rapidly projected over the highway. A large truck was coming towards him. I realized, in slow motion almost, that he was trying to get hit. I started jumping up and down, running towards the road, in an attempt to get the drivers attention. The truck did not slow down. It, very graphically, hit the man and ran him over. It severed him and was gory. I will spare you the finer details, but it was very vivid as it bounced to a stop, vacant expression, right in front of me. Then I woke up. It was 5 something am and it took me ages to get back to sleep. I had terrible sleep for the rest of the time I slept that morning.

Internship Stuff

I am very much enjoying my internship this semester and am learning a lot. I primarily work on the sexualized boys unit, for those that have sexual perpetration charges or related concerning behaviors. I have not worked with this population in the past so I am finding it a big learning experience. Some of the topics commonly discussed were ones I never thought I would now be so comfortable talking about so bluntly. Mostly sexual related topics that our culture tends to shy away from talking about. This, however, is the biggest area of concern for these clients in many ways. It is something that needs to be addressed often so the clients have many opportunities to absorb the knowledge and make the appropriate changes within their lives. Although some of the clients have disturbing past behaviors, I never feel concerned for my safety when I am working with them. Occasionally I feel slightly uncomfortable when I realize that a client is having significant or violent fantasies about me or making inappropriate comments about other staff members. These are things I have learned to deal with and address without making it seem that I am fazed by them. I have learned that making this a big deal or not normalizing the behavior can make it more exciting for some of the clients. The most challenging part about working with this population is knowing that some of them will never change. I can see the significant lack of progress, manipulation, lack of remorse, and disregard for rules in some of the clients. With some experience in this population if has become easier for me to continue to work with these clients. I have learned to repeat some of the common themes often and to make the most of periods of motivation and progression. I do not view this as giving up on these clients, I see it as accepting that I can only work slightly harder at motivating the client than they are willing to put in on effort.  I remain positive that some of what I am doing is getting though to them, that I am setting the foundation for further treatment or placements they may have, and/or that I am being a positive adult role in their life. I am careful not to treat them like others typically do – like they are less than other kids their age because of their pasts. I know that part of the reason they have fallen into some of these behaviors is not their fault. Some of them have been abused or neglected and do not understand appropriate boundaries and relationships due to how they have grown up. It is also very rewarding to see the clients that are making positive choices and seem to be trying to make changes in their lives. I know that all of them will backslide when they leave the ECA, but I have hope that they will be able to take some of what they learned and apply it to their lives outside of treatment facilities.

Check-in

thought I would check in with everyone that reads this. i am doing a but better with things these days. i still have my good and bad days with everything that is going on. all in all things are looking up though. school and work are keeping me really busy. i am interning 3 days a week and work most weekends all weekend. then i still have my paper that i should be working on for my eating disorders class a few weeks ago. since i am off work this weekend that paper is my plan. shouldn't be hard. work has been busy lately. i guess its the changing of the seasons or something. lots of strange calls have been coming in a well. not really sure why. my mom suggested that last weekend was full moon time. makes sense. i do think that the weather and whatnot effect people, so why wouldn't the moon? it is really polarizing and changes ocean tides so its plausible to say that it also effects people. lets see....what else is happening.....i am getting to do a lot more in my internship. but that's for another post i rekon. chatting with alex a lot lately. that's always nice. hes doing well. hmm. i feel like this entry is a really bland summary of my life. nothing interesting to tell really. ive been scoping post grad jobs. that's been fun. its interesting to look at all the websites and try to determine if i might enjoy working there. i am looking at all residential places. there's lots of good ones out there. i have emailed a few. havent gotten much in the way of responses. but a girl can hope. been working on a lot of my art stuff. making some pretty cool altered art books. i should take photos of them and post them....perhaps i will. we shall see. anyways, i am boring myself so i rekon ill go work on my journal entries for internship. peace out.

back in the US of A

just got back on Friday afternoon. it was a productive and necessary trip. i am glad i went, altho it was a difficult trip for many reasons. all if fine. i am suffering from the usual emotions when returning. its exhausting to let myself process everything slowly. i hate the situation i am in. i hate not knowing what is going to happen. leaves me feeling insecure and anxious. ill survive and make due. i always do. thats the price i pay for the life i choose to lead. i look forward to it being over soon. its wearing on me. never really gets easier like i had hoped it would. dont even know why i am writing this if i am being honest. it is just coming across as pessimistic. guess ill be done. this is becoming pointless. back to cuddling morris and vacantly watching tv in an attempt to distract my mind. i need to get motivated to do a hobby or something....

Revelation

I had a revelation this morning that was based on recent eventful news. It has made me realize that I have to get out of God's way and let His plan work its self out. I will not be planning my next step, I will be allowing Him to guide me in the correct direction.....I realized today that He truly has been directing my life to the next step without me even knowing. He has hinted at it throughout my semester, but I was overlooking the signs. I see them now and am confident I am correct my unexpected step towards the future. I guess a night of feeling insecure and terrified was what it took to wake me up from planning and getting in my own way in His way. I am not ready to fully disclose what I think this plan is, but am anxious to let it unfold. I will keep everyone posted. 

And as for my conversation with Alex, I am (mostly) at peace with that as well. 

kind regards

Dream #6

Somehow my parents convinced me that I should have a baby. Haven't a clue how, but in the dream they had. I was prego in the dream for a short period of time. Artificially inseminated. Didn't see the birth, but I had had the baby and was suddenly fighting all Teen Mom style with a friend over whom would get the baby more, me or her. Yes, I was fighting with a girl over it. I was really confused in the dream and was arguing with her about why she thought she could even see my baby, as it wasn't like I was a lesbian with her and she had no part in the decision for me to have a baby. But the two of us argued and she eventually, somehow took my baby to her parents house. I was livid, and yelled a lot about how she had no right to my baby and how the two of us needed to split the time with the baby equally. I also made the argument that if anyone got to have it more it would be me for carrying it. I threatened to take her to court and everything. I also used her personal issues to attack her character and for proof that she was an unfit, controlling mother, and I would not allow her to anymore have contact with my child. the end.

although this dream was fairly tame, it strikes me as very odd for many reasons. I am not a lesbian and don't even hang around this friend very often. I'd never let my parents convince me into having a bay, i don't even want to have my own. and lastly, not really sure why i'd ever be artificially inseminated....I have for years had a strong preference for adoption over anything else. oh yeah, and Alex wasn't around. If I were to ever aquire children, he would be part if it.

Dream #5

a second dream I had this morning, after my alarm went off and I fell back asleep. Morris was still cuddled up with me, but had changed positions when the alarm went off and my movement disturbed him. This dream did not involve me in it at all. It was like watching a movie.

The dream started like I was tuning into a movie already in session. Bella, from Twilight, had been bitten on the neck by some random vampire bad guys. She was put, for some reason, in a dark basement that seemed to be made entirely by wood. It reminded be a bit of a creepy cellar. It looked cold and damp. It was cluttered with things. She seemed to be in pain, but not from the bite on her neck. There was a pile of musical records in a crate that was sitting on top of a pile of things and stacked next to the wall. She began to look for a way out of the basement. She found a large, heavy looking, old door leading to the outside. It was stuck closed and she realized that they would probably hear her leave through it. She decided to turn her attention to the large, foggy window. She appeared in pain for a moment. The vampires heard her cry in pain so they came down to the basement. She hid in a closet until they left. Again, she was in a lot of pain but this time she made no noise. When the vampires were gone she took the records, which for some reason were something the vampires wanted and had something to do with their victims. She knew she would only have a few moments before the vampires realized she was gone, but decided to risk it anyways. She easily got out of the window and took off for a nearby woods. She tossed the records in some bushes and kept running. The vampires were searching for her so she hid in different bushes than the records were in, further into the woods. As she was hiding, it was apparent to be what the pain she experienced was. She had had a stillborn child. It was nothing I saw, but for whatever reason that clicked for me as the viewer of this movie-like dream. 

I then woke up and decided to stay awake.

Dream #4

from this morning, again after Morris cuddled up to me. Also disturbing.

I was cooking in a kitchen that in real life is unfamiliar to me. Alex, Sam, and Jared were there. They were not focal points of the dream and were not always in the kitchen with me. Their presence was apparent throughout the dream, even when they were in the next room. I cannot recall conversations I had with them or the nature of interactions with any of them. I know that I did have some and they seemed natural within the dream. The part I do remember distinctly was stirring something in a pot on the stove. For some reason I also had a knife and was cutting things on the stove or over the pot, I can't remember for sure. While I was cutting various food items I suddenly seemed to stop cutting things. I never saw where I was getting the food items from, they just seemed to appear in my hands. When I had nothing in my hands,  for some reason I kept making the cutting motion. Since there was no food in my hands, I ended up cutting straight across  my wrist. It was a few seconds in the dream before I realized what was happening. After cutting my wrist I just stopped and stood there, starring at where the food in my hand should be. Blood started pouring out of my wrist. I tipped my head to the side slightly and watched it flow down my arm and only the stove. I was not scared but I had not done it on purpose either. I remember thinking that it looked like a river coming from my wrist. After a few seconds I picked up a small rectangular bit of cloth and put it on my wrist. It stuck to my wrist and the river stopped. I took a dishtowel and wiped off my arm in one swipe. I turned my attention to the stove and was suddenly concerned that it needed to be cleaned off. Not because it would disturb anyone else, or because I wanted to hide what had happened, but simply because a stove needed to be clean in order for others to use it. I was on my knees in front of the stove, scrubbing away at the trail down the front. It was caked on and my fingers were hurting from scrubbing so hard. Alex came in and inquired as to what had happened. I told him and he insisted on taking me to get stitches. I was opposed to the idea because the blood was no longer dripping all over the place. Somehow the stuck on fabric rectangle had been replaced by a traditional bandaid. It showed no signs of bleeding through. I remember being in the car and driving somewhere to get stitched up. The next I know I am back in the kitchen, scrubbing at the stove again. Then my alarm went off. 

This dream really disturbed me so I looked it up in my dreams book. Massive loss of blood in a dream means loss of emotional strength. There was stuff about weapons, but I didn't think it applied at all. It also said something about needing emotional reciprocation. Its interesting that I have this dream today. If I would have had it a week ago then I may have agreed with the emotional draining, but I am not consciously feeling that way anymore.....then again, maybe I am and just don't realize it. I have been trying to get myself more focused over the past week. Who knows.

Dream #3

Just had this one this morning. It was rather graphic and dark for some reason in parts.....

I was in my uncle Don's kitchen but none of my extended family was there. Sitting at the table were family members (dad, Sam, Jared, Beth) and Graham and Gordon. My mom was in her bedroom at our old house, which was somehow down the hall from my uncle's kitchen. She was dressing and getting frustrated because I kept going into her room to update her on what was happening in the kitchen. She seemed to always be trying to put on nylons and was falling all over the place, but did not want help. I did not offer in the dream though and I seemed oblivious to her wanting me to stop communicating with her, even though she clearly told me to in the dream. In the kitchen, we were all preparing our characters for something. It was never clear what we were preparing for, but we were all looking at papers and getting dressed in costumes. Looking back on it, it seemed like a murder mystery perhaps, but this was never stated and the papers we were looking at were typing paper, not the murder mystery booklets. Gordon, as usual, was a women and was getting dresses as one like he has in the past for murder mysteries. Graham was constructing and painting a  model of a man climbing up a wall. It was vaguely DnD-ish and he was dressed in his brown Star Wars cloak. On the table was a black and white, very graphic picture of a dead women. I won't explain in detail, but it was very graphic, seeming to transform and change based on what was being said about the photo.My dad was cutting it up into pieces as he spoke about the women and how she died. Then, people were piecing it back together like a puzzle, but rotating the pieces to make the women lay in different ways. Somehow it always made a cohesive picture, no matter how the pieces were misplaced or rotated. also, sometimes when I would go tell my mom something I would stop into my old bedroom at the house I grew up in. Until I got into my mom's room I would continue to speak to the people in the kitchen as if they were next to me. They understood me. When I went in my old bedroom Alex, Graham, and Gordon would be in their getting their characters for whatever ready. Also, Morris sat perched on the dresser that I used then (and is now used as my wine cabinet), wanting attention. During the time I spent in my old bedroom, a baby kitten appeared. It was a pale orange/yellow striped kitten that fit in the palm of my hand but was very fluffy and cuddly. For whatever reason, we were convinced it looked identical to Morris and that it was somehow his kitten....even though Morris still was a black cat like he is in real life. We were convinced that a female cat visited several weeks prior, Morris knocked it up, then it returned to leave this tiny baby kitten with Morris. The dream kept rotating between these three places seamlessly and oddly enough, besides continuing conversation on the same topic, the dream never progressed in any of the rooms. I never found out why we were getting dressed, nobody even finished getting ready. It was not figured out where the baby kitten had come from or what would be done with it. My mom never got her nylons on or her hair done (something she talked about needing to do).

Lenten Confusion

A recent status on facebook made me think about how confusing the Lenten season is. Not that God will strike someone down if they get the dates wrong or don't understand why there are 46 days between Ash Wed and Easter Sunday when Lent mimics the 40 days of fasting Jesus had in the desert. I was always confused by that, but like many kids that grew up going to Catholic school, I never questioned what I perceived as an inconsistency. I now understand it, but only because I looked it up myself. Since this is my blog and the subject has come up recently with me, I am going to do a little Roman Catholic psychoeducation with you. Feel free to skip. I am not trying to convert anyone or anything, just wanted to share my knowledge because I think it is interesting.

So there is debate on the whole Lenten season and how long it "lasts". Typically people think 40 days because that is how long Jesus fasted in the desert and we (Roman Catholics as well as many other Christian denominations) give something up for Lent and don't eat meat on Fridays, some even fasting completely on Fridays. Lets see, where to start first....

The calculation of the 40 (actually 46) days of Lent:

Jesus and his original disciples were Jewish. They celebrated Sabbath on Saturday because this was the 7th day in God's creation of earth, where he rested. To honor this they too would refrain from labor, spending the day praying and resting. However, when Jesus rose from the dead on a Sunday, early Christians (including the original disciples) decided to switch the Sabbath to a Sunday to honor Christ rising from the dead on a weekly basis. Since all Sundays are utilized for rest, prayer, and honoring Christ's rebirth, then they are not to be used for penance or fasting. So when the Lenten 40 days of fasting began to mimic the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert before beginning his public ministry, Sundays were not included in the count to continue the honoring of the Sabbath. To include the proper 40 days, Lent was extended to be 6 full weeks because only 6 of the 7 days in a week are included in the count. This makes 36 days. Then you count Ash Wed and the Thurs, Fri, and Sat that follow it. That makes your 40 days of fasting in the 46 days between Ash Wed and Easter Sunday.

So When does the Lent end?

This is also somewhat of a debate. Some people stop fasting at the beginning of Holy week, some on Easter, some Easter Saturday, some Holy Thursday...it can get confusing as well. Technically, the fasting begins on Ash Wed. Most Americans, Catholic or not, would agree with this. In Eastern practices though, they use Clean Monday as the beginning of their lent. No matter, I am Roman Catholic, I go with Ash Wed. Taking into consideration the above way to calculate the 40 days of Lent, the fasting then ends on Holy Saturday (the day before Easter Sunday). Typically this is what people want to know when they ask when Lent ends. Some people go ahead and extend the fasting to whenever they have their traditional Easter Sunday family gatherings after Easter Sunday services. This is due to a confusion or lack of awareness on how the 40 days of Lenten fasting are calculated. Interestingly enough, liturgically, Lent is said to end 2 days prior to Holy Saturday, on Holy Thursday. This has to do with some governing rules that the Roman Catholic calender follows that state that Lent runs from Ash Wed to the mass of the Lord's Supper on Holy Thursday.

So Catholics actually fast when and what?

According to the Catholic church, people 18 years of age to only 59 years of age must partake in the fasting. Fasting days include Ash Wed and Good Friday. Adding to that, Catholics 14 years of age and older cannot eat meat on those two fasting days plus all Fridays during the Lenten season. Here in the US, bishops actually allow one full meal and then a small snackish sized something twice a day to be considered fasting. Of course, no meat is allowed in this. You can have meat based broth, eggs, milk, lard, or other "condiments" made from meat fat. You can also have meat juices, which were sometimes poured on top of salads way back when as a form of seasoning. Fish is allowed also, which is was has been traditionally eaten by Catholics on Fridays during Lent so they can still get all those nutrients. It is not required that we eat fish on Fridays, which some people think it is because so many churches and restaurants have Friday fish fries. Additionally, many Catholics give something up during Lent as a form of penance. To show that we are going without something that is difficult for us. It is a kind of suffering in honor of what Jesus went through in order for us to have everlasting life in heaven. It is a common misconception that we are required to give something up. Infact, penance can include many things such as prayer, alms-giving, personal charity, and abstinence/self-denial. Any of these are an acceptable form of penance during Lent. So instead of suffering, we are allowed to do something that benefits others, much like the way Jesus lived his daily life. No, we do not believe that we are doomed to hell if we mess up. The sickly, elderly, weak, and children can all opt out of these traditions in the eyes of the church, but many people out of the required age bracket choose to partake anyways.

So there you have it, my bit-o-knowledge of Lent for you. Hope it was interesting.

Dream #2

This one I had this morning.

I am in the livingroom of the house I grew up in. The room is set up differently, but it is the same house. I am sitting on the floor, cuddles up to Alex as he leans against the couch playing videogames. He is playing against a guy I went to middle school with but never really talked to. I excuse myself, saying I am going to go downstairs and check on things. In what was the spare bedroom I find a childhood friend (although it looked nothing like her) that, in my dream, had gained a lot of weight. She is there with her boyfriend. I am not sure in real life if she is even dating someone, but it was someone I did not know. 

I remember her having something of mine. She would not give it back. I thought she may have hidden it so I began to search the room for it. I could not tell you what the object was, but in the dream I very much wanted it back. I could not find it and wanted, in the dream, to become very aggressive with her in order to get it back. I was very angry and very wound up. She refused to surrender it and backed into the closet. I remember pushing past her and thinking, but not saying, that she had gained a lot of weight. 

I ran upstairs and told Alex. He virtually ignored me and would not come help me get it back. His game was too important. I returned downstairs and continued to try and get it back. I was bargaining with them and eventually we got into a verbal argument where they began making insulting comments towards me. I began crying and was furious that they would not surrender whatever it was I wanted back so badly. I returned back upstairs to tell Alex I needed help defending myself. He did not offer to come help and did not stop his game. He opened his arm towards me and invited me to come cuddle him. He held me, soothing me by rocking me and kissing me on the top of the bead. I buried my face in his side until I was calm. 

I returned downstairs to find the friend and her boyfriend holding my sister's flute. Sam never played the flute in real life but apparently owned one in the dream. They wanted to trade the flute for what I wanted back. After arguing with them about whether or not Sam already gave them the OK for this trade, I eventually agreed....only to discover that whatever it was they had and I wanted they had broken. I had to settle with some children's game that was covered in dirt and missing pieces. As I sifted through the game I remember suddenly it was like I was watching a commercial. My entire view in the dream was a commercial for a children's game with 9 kids standing in a 3 x 3 grid, singing a song and jumping up or squatting down in a variety of patterns that coincided with the jingle they sang. 

Then I wore up to find Morris cuddled up next to my side, something I had forgotten about but realized when I woke up to my alarm before I had the dream.

Dream #1

I have been having lots of strange dreams lately. Every few nights I will have one that is very vivid and realistic. I have decided to write about all of them here and see if I can make any connections at a later time between some of them. Here is the first one:

I had this dream, on Saturday morning.

It began with me in Vegas. I am not sure how I got there, the point of me being there, or what time of year it was. I remember walking through a club. There was some MTV host there, much like they have for spring break, giving away prizes and having contests. This particular club was a dance club that also happened to have sunken hot tubs you could sit in. Nobody seemed to mind that people's feet were in your face as you danced by the fairly narrow walkways between some of the hot tubs. For whatever reason I was wandering around, not searching for anything in particular, not dancing, not hottubing. I just walked around casually.

I heard my name being shouted. It was my very close friend Sara. She was in a hot tub, drink in hand, chatting with 2 girls we went to high school with and someone Sara introduced as a co-worker. Sara was on vacation. Neither of us expected the other to be there. They were participating in some form of contest, something about keeping their hand in a certain place. When I declined getting in the hot tub and/or drinking with them, then forfeited the contest and took me to their room. I literally remember turning around in the dream and magically being in their hotel room. It was a generic, but nice hotel. They were explaining how they had been there for days and hadn't done much but lay around the room and go out to eat. They did not seem disappointed by this, it was stated more of a matter-of-fact. 

I don't remember much more about being with them or in the hotel room. I remember the variance in the mood when the scene shifted though. In the club they were all excited to see me and seemed to be having a good time. In the room they were very blank, almost sullen. I did not make note of this in the dream though, it is only upon reflection that I find it odd. 

The next thing I know I am back in the club, running from "bad guys". They are not anybody I know and I struggle to remember what they even looked like. I remember it as being more of a bad feeling that was chasing me, instead of an actual person. This time in the club I moved through it swiftly and with purpose. I continued to scan the room like I had at the beginning of the dream, but it was now with urgency. I do not know what I was looking for, but I had intent now. I was looking for something/someone specifically. I did not find whatever it was. I dodged about and hid momentarily like I was being secretive and trying to not get caught. Never do I remember having whatever was chasing me close by, but I maintained feeling urgency to find whatever it was I needed in the dream. 

Eventually I was in the basement of the club. Yes, it had a basement I ran down a small metal spiral staircase to get to. I could feel the bad guys getting closer but there was nowhere to go. It was empty halls with locked doors. No decor. Just cement floors and tan walls. The doors were plain, no windows or markings. I felt as if the halls were and endless maze, although I was not running down them for long. I found a manhole that went into the sewer. I opened it and jumped down. It was dark, damp but not wet, and fairly clean. It was not tall enough of a space for me to walk so I had to crawl. It was only a few feet of crawling before I found a second manhole. I opened it and went down. This time I put the cover back on the man hole, something I had not done with the first one. 

This manhole had a ladder. I climbed down and into a laboratory. There I found my dad and younger sister. They were building puppies. yes, puppies. Assembling them like they were robots. Except they were real puppies once assembled. They looked a lot like the puppy my family had kept from the litter Bella had. All identical black cocapoos, curly and fluffy. As they finished assembling them they let them run around. Parts of them started to fall off. When this happened my dad or Sam would simply push the pieces back together or glue it on. They found nothing strange in any of this. I did, even in the dream.

They let me keep a puppy, one with an eye that kept falling out. When the eye was in the puppy's head it looked normal. When it fell out it looked like a teddy bear eye. It just kept getting glued back on. I did not participate in any of this, I just kept watching. I no longer felt like I was actively searching, although I acknowledged not finding whatever I was searching for. The overriding emotion int his part of the dream was vague confusion and small curiosity.I did not speak to my sister or my dad, they didn't even seem to note my presence.

Eventually Morris the cat wandered in. I was not surprised by his presence. He jumped on the table near me and wanted to be pet. I pet him and a clump of his whiskers fell off. My sister came over, put glue on the back of Morris's whisker clump and stuck it back on his face. I did not like this and took it off of him. 

That is when I woke up.

So I am a future LPC

It is on days like this, when I wake up in a bad mood that I cannot shake, that I get really annoyed with myself. Not just a normal getting annoyed, but an annoyed because I know so much stuff about the human mind. And because sometimes I cannot stop myself from utilizing that information, no matter how hard I try.

Having the knowledge that I do, I have the tendency to see into what others are saying and get to all that lovely underlying stuff that people don't care to talk about. I am pretty good about compartmentalizing myself to ensure that when I am not in school mode or at practicum that I do not analyze everyone around me. I particularly make sure not to do this about people I know well and care about. I do not want to be using my knowledge against them in any way. I would never do that on purpose, but I am also careful to make sure that they do not misinterpret what I say as me doing so....if that makes sense. 

On days like today though, I am all over the map as far as seeing into what others are doing. It just so happens that one of the things I observed today was someone trying to manipulate me. I was no standing for it but in too bad of a mood to speak up. No sense in making my bad day worse I figured. I was able to hold my tongue, but I could not stop examining what this person was doing. And, of course, the more I did it the more it annoyed me. 

I was having a related conversation with a peer and professor the other day. It was about how sometimes you start detecting all of the things you learned in yourself and get stuck in this awful place where you know why you are acting in a certain way, what is connected with it, how others are seeing you, and what you should do to change all the things you are doing wrong at that particular moment. You start getting so annoyed with yourself and the fact that you can't turn it off and simply don't want to put forth the effort to make the necessary changes. I am also kinda stuck in that today.

It almost. ALMOST. makes me wish I chose another career path. It is only going to get more intense as I become more experienced. I will forever be spending my time solving other people's problems and analyzing other people's thoughts and behaviors. I do really enjoy it and find it very rewarding, even though this is certainly not convincing of that. I just wish that I still had the ability to be oblivious to all of this. To be able to sit in my bad mood for awhile, experience it, and get past it. For whatever reason, today my brain is not letting me do this. It is lecturing me about what I SHOULD be doing to turn myself around. My body just has no energy for that today. 

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All I want to do is go nap in the sun, allowing Morris to frolic about without getting lost or hurt, and just drift away to that place in my mind where everything is perfect.

Picture Perfect

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my laptop...just out of boredom and in the interest of adding something of interest....you know, for all of those many many people that read this :P

                                                                 My Girls <3

                                                                    Sepia 50's

                                                                        50's Fam

                                                             My Beautiful Sister

                                                               Dark Fairie

                                                              Thanksgiving Host

                                                                   Christmas Tie

                                                     The Whole Family

                                                          My English Loves

                                                     The Lawless Family

                                                 Graduation Celebration

                                                             ANTM Sisters

                                                     My Girlies, Again :)

                                                                 Me cuddling baby Sam

 

                                                                Christmas Time Photo-Op

                                                                 Window Sill Chillin

                                                                  All Dolled Up

                                                            Being Frogs

                                                       Morris in His Devil Outfit

Hope you enjoyed !