It is on days like this, when I wake up in a bad mood that I cannot shake, that I get really annoyed with myself. Not just a normal getting annoyed, but an annoyed because I know so much stuff about the human mind. And because sometimes I cannot stop myself from utilizing that information, no matter how hard I try.
Having the knowledge that I do, I have the tendency to see into what others are saying and get to all that lovely underlying stuff that people don't care to talk about. I am pretty good about compartmentalizing myself to ensure that when I am not in school mode or at practicum that I do not analyze everyone around me. I particularly make sure not to do this about people I know well and care about. I do not want to be using my knowledge against them in any way. I would never do that on purpose, but I am also careful to make sure that they do not misinterpret what I say as me doing so....if that makes sense.
On days like today though, I am all over the map as far as seeing into what others are doing. It just so happens that one of the things I observed today was someone trying to manipulate me. I was no standing for it but in too bad of a mood to speak up. No sense in making my bad day worse I figured. I was able to hold my tongue, but I could not stop examining what this person was doing. And, of course, the more I did it the more it annoyed me.
I was having a related conversation with a peer and professor the other day. It was about how sometimes you start detecting all of the things you learned in yourself and get stuck in this awful place where you know why you are acting in a certain way, what is connected with it, how others are seeing you, and what you should do to change all the things you are doing wrong at that particular moment. You start getting so annoyed with yourself and the fact that you can't turn it off and simply don't want to put forth the effort to make the necessary changes. I am also kinda stuck in that today.
It almost. ALMOST. makes me wish I chose another career path. It is only going to get more intense as I become more experienced. I will forever be spending my time solving other people's problems and analyzing other people's thoughts and behaviors. I do really enjoy it and find it very rewarding, even though this is certainly not convincing of that. I just wish that I still had the ability to be oblivious to all of this. To be able to sit in my bad mood for awhile, experience it, and get past it. For whatever reason, today my brain is not letting me do this. It is lecturing me about what I SHOULD be doing to turn myself around. My body just has no energy for that today.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All I want to do is go nap in the sun, allowing Morris to frolic about without getting lost or hurt, and just drift away to that place in my mind where everything is perfect.
No comments:
Post a Comment
♥ leave me some love ♥