My Five Minutes of Insight

So I was sitting in my office, reading for CPL (I was actually doing EXTRA reading, a chapter we aren't even assigned! I never do that, but I was compelled to read it, so I did) and all of the sudden it hit me. My purpose in life. Who would have ever thought that my personal path in life would be uncovered in this way?....

It lets me reflect on how God really does act in mysterious ways....Which is odd as I type this that I even came to that conclusion. Its not that that isn't a natural conclusion to come to, its just one of those cliche things they tell you in church that you wanna believe is true, and do, but you just think of it as things you never really realize are mysterious acts of God. I guess what I am trying to say is that I always figured that 'God's mysterious ways' would be all of the things you never really realize until a long time after it actually happens. Or until you are old and reflecting back on life. Or maybe even something you realize the moment before you die, or even after you die. It makes me laugh to myself to picture my first few moments in the afterlife, waiting to get into heaven. I picture myself in a long line, in a white room, with other people in front and behind me, but they aren't really in focus, more like they are ghostlike, and as I make my way up in the line I get handed a piece of paper by a man dressed in a white suit with shining white wings. And the paper has my name at the top, neatly etched in the prettiest gold handwriting. Below that is a list, printed in plain black text, stating all the ways that God mysteriously worked within my life. I can just picture myself going 'huh, I guess I never saw it that way' or 'ha! I knew God was looking out for me then'....Its a silly image really, but I thought maybe someone out there could get some amusement out of it. Plus, its my blog, so I'm allowed to have digressions :P

Anyways, I was reading chapter 13 of my book for CPL. It is about counseling in crisis intervention. I thought it would be beneficial for me to read it, seeing as I work as a telephone crisis worker. Even though most of the time it isn't really you're traditional crisis hotline work. Anyways, (I say that a lot. note to self: extinguish that annoying habit) I suppose I should back up a bit and start with my mini insights. Sorry everyone, you started reading, now you have to hear my entire lengthy story....

I actually started with chapter 11, cuz I was behind on my reading and need to catch up on last weeks reflection. I actually came across two sentences that resonated so much with me that I got up and searched for a hi-lighter. I intend on writing them down somewhere so I have them later, after the semester is over. The first said "there is almost always a price to pay for becoming stronger".

wow. How true is that? Idk, maybe it doesn't mean anything to anyone else. But for some reason that really sticks with me. I think it is because that is something I have always believed in. Another one of those saying that I actually buy into. It was just strange to see it published in a book that is being used to teach people in the field. A reputable book has that published in it. That's somehow a big deal to me.

I think it also really reflects my state of mind lately. I see so many people in my program so worried about everything. Don't get me wrong, I was like that for the whole first half of the semester. I kinda went back into my 'I'm ok' mode, which most people don't even know I have. Cats out of the bag now I guess. Its not that I was doing bad, or that people should worry about me. I was just fine, but I was struggling. It was a very...intense....first half of the semester. I transitioned well and everything, but it was a struggle.

I guess the saying that I always said wasn't exactly like the one from the book. Maybe that is why it resonates with me so much. Because the one from the book means more. Its more accurate. I always lived by a combo of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "everything happens for a reason". "there is almost always a price to pay for becoming stronger" just makes more sense, and silently fuses both of the ones I used to keep with me. Def my new motto.

The second thing I read from the book that I hi-lighted was "counseling is not appropriate for everyone who seeks it". That one is much more easily identifiable within my life. I have really been struggling with being the client in CPL. It just has not been a good experience from me at all. It isn't because I do not want to open up, or because I am avoiding some deep issues that I should resolve. Do I have issues? of course I do. Everyone does. But I honestly do not think this whole counseling thing is helping me.

Is it bad that I am saying this and I am going to be a counselor? I don't think so. I am not bashing the profession, I just think that at this point in my life it is not very beneficial for me. In the program they push you to get counseling so that you can improve yourself and gain all of this insight and become the best counselor they can help you become. I have been working on analyzing myself for the past 6 years. let me repeat that. I have actively been working on self improvement, on my own, intensively, for 6 years. At this point I'd say I know myself pretty darn well. Am I aware of everything? Probably not. Infact, I know I am not. I don't think that is possible. But I am aware enough to be constantly challenging and bettering myself without pushing too hard. Sometimes I do push too hard and set expectations a bit too high. But I enjoy the process of self-discovery. I am a very strong and independent person. I am very insightful and honest with myself. And I have achieved that on my own. And I am proud of that. I have come so far, more than anyone will ever know. And I know that sounds all deep, maybe a bit corny, or even big headed of me. I don't mean it that way, I am just trying to say that its something I take seriously and am pretty good at.

I know me. And not in a 'i'm a unique individual that is misunderstood', (that always annoys me when those kind of statements come up in class in regards to clients saying that when what they are going through is somewhat predictable and generalizable) but in a 'I am getting to a pretty good place with/about myself. And I don't think there is anything wrong with being proud of that progress'

Its funny how I have gotten sooo off topic. This just further confirms that I think way too much about things.....(brief musical break. A good song came on Grooveshark. Shout out to Alex, whom introduced Grooveshark to me. [I'm listening to Rose of Sharyn and I love you baby!])

Ok, so I promise there is an actual big, spontaneous insight here. I just got sooo excited about it and had nobody to tell so I went to the blog.

When I got to chapter 13 (crisis intervention, for all those out there that have forgotten by now) and in the midst of it just stopped. I stared at the pages, and then my eyes drifted to my wardrobe/closet that was across the room. I kid you not, for five minutes I just sat there, staring, repeating in my head -

I was meant for crisis intervention

(followed by a little, uncontrollable exhale/'huh' and a half smile, every time)

everything in my entire life has led up to this moment. I know that sounds so dramatic, but its true. Everything I have ever gone through has made me who I am right now. All of the horrible, awful experiences. And all of the amazing, blissful moment I never wanted to let go of. All of them have been molding me into the person I am right now. And that person was meant for, built for, crisis intervention.....I feel like I should pause for effect here, and let all the puzzle pieces in my mind click together.

I know this was probably an obvious path that I have somehow fallen into. That's kinda how I have looked at it up until this point. Like I have been wandering through life, kinda aimlessly choosing which path to follow. Just taking whatever was more convenient or whatever seemed like a halfway good idea at the time.

Looking back on my 24 years of life I can see that this is what I was made for. And I knew, to an extent, that that was so. Ever since I have been up here in Wisconsin I have done a lot of reflection and can see the the pieces falling together. And I have been so pumped to have just figured out that counseling is what i wanted to do. And I am naturally drawn to eating disorders and AODA, so I made those my concentrations. But as soon as I got here and had decided that's what I wanted to do, part of me has gone 'yeah, this is very interesting, and I'm really into it. But it isn't quite right'. I just figured that was because I was not out in the field yet with those things, and because I had yet decided what capacity that I wanted to work with those individuals (inpatient, outpatient, a hospital). I figured I'd do it all. Cuz they all would suit me....but now I am realizing its just because I hadn't found the exact niche for me.

AHHHH it all makes sense. Its so exciting. Idk what more to say. There's tons swimming around in my head about it - all the people I want to tell, what exactly I want to do with crisis prevention, where I will be once I start my career, all the ways I want to impact the field, the research I want to do (i never in my life wanted to do research until a few days ago....guess my insight was slowly building to this), all of the national awareness I want to be apart of, all of the people I will someday advocate for....its the most clarity I have ever had (ok, except from those killer pain pills I have in my cabinet that make my thoughts one tracked and my head blank. But that's a different clarity). It feels.... indescribable.

I want to go look up how I feel in the dictionary and learn a new word.

ha. All I can think now is this:

I'm sure Shumate would be pleased....thanks CPL, I guess you can have partial credit for my insight.

What now you say? I go get me a glass of White Zin, watch Family Guy, and then pack for heading home tomorrow....oooo dang, and I need to finish washing my dishes....and Im totally gonna continue to play my music, even tho it is getting late. my neighbors can deal. What a good night.