Perspective Taking: Struggle

I think, no, I know that a lot of times people take things for granted. This includes myself. So often do we get wrapped up in our own lives. in our own selfishness. Its really pathetic, if you think about it. There are so many people that live in our own country, state, town, neighborhood, that are far worse off than we are. And yet we spend so much time focusing on ourselves instead of others. What ever happened to working towards the greater good of the group, working collaboratively to benefit others, and doing nice things without expecting a personal gain? I couldn't tell you, but I am ashamed of myself for living my life so selfishly.

I think back to midterms - I was stressed out to say the least; getting all of these stress headaches, not sleeping well, suffering from horrid back pain, and just generally in a bad mood. My life, for about a week, really sucked as far as I was concerned. Boo Hoo. What would have been different if I had taken the time to realize that I was not in as dire state as I was making it up in my head? Why didn't I take the time to appreciate what I have - a roof over my head, a job, a support system, gaining graduate level education. Think of how many people out there can never say their entire lives that they have had all of those things at once? And I so absorbed in my own stuff to see that.

Of course, I suppose something can be said for realizing all of this now, right? It is natural for humans to focus on themselves. Its a survival technique. The whole 'my world is being threatened, I need to do what is necessary to keep it in check' thing. I get it.

http://vimeo.com/9358866 )I guess what spurred this little rant was seeing a video posted on the TWLOHA website (. It was a very inspirational and beautiful video. There is something so moving about watching another human being's struggle turn to success. It sends out such a powerful message about humanity. It proves how resourceful, adaptive, and determined we are.

The man in the video has no use of his legs. When someone says that people instantly go into sympathy mode, saying 'wow, I don't know how that person does that, I never could'. I don't think that is true. If you had to, you could. People truly are capable of more than they can ever imagine. What people really mean by saying those kinds of things is that they could not imagine having to live that way, because they are privileged enough to not have to. And maybe even that they pity those individuals.

But they don't need to be pitied. They should be celebrated.

They are survivors. Strong. Resilient. Powerful. Innovative. Creative. Beautiful. A miracle. A reminder that no challenge is too big to overcome.

A professor in one of my classes yesterday said something that really stuck with me. I'd like to share it with everyone, since it is loosely related.

It was suggested by someone, and of course at this late hour it escapes me who, that mentally ill individuals are more adaptive than everyone else. That they serve a purpose for survival. Their brains are different than the 'average person', but not defective. The way their brain works is a particular survival technique that the 'average person' currently does not need to be adapted for. Mentally ill individuals possess a 'brain minority' that has been overly triggered in a way that the particular individual is highly sensitive to.

It sounds way out there, I know, but after thinking about it for awhile it kindof makes sense to me. Think about any mental illness. As an example, I will use Depression. When it comes down to it, isn't a Depressed person just seeing the world through a different, less rose colored, pair of glasses than the rest of us? So much of our time is spent trying to achieve better and look at the positive side of things. People lie all the time to 'save face', make themselves feel better, and to appear on the outside that they are happy and that the world is wonderful. Aren't we over exaggerating a lot of times on the positive end of things? Doesn't the 'average person' see things better than they truly are, or tend to assume the positive option will happen?

Granted, a Depressed individual over exaggerates the negatives and can sometimes catastrophize. But don't they get things right sometimes? The world really is a horrible, terrible, violent, self-destructing place that, in a lot of ways, is constantly turned against us. Isn't it possible that they just have this tendency to look at things more realistically, but life events have over triggered them? Couldn't wanting to be isolated, cautious, and expecting the worst come in handy if there was some world spread plague or something?

Look at PTSD. Its traits could come in handy too. Doesn't it boil down to an over functioning memory that has the tendency to vividly remember harmful and dangerous situations too well? If that was toned down and harnessed, think what amazing protection someone with PTSD could provide by so easily recalling past traumatic events with such detail. Has anyone even ever looked at harnessing PTSD's possibility instead of throwing it all out the window?

I know I got off base, and people probably are not following me at this point. It makes a lot more sense in my head.....but I have been pondering it for a day and a half now so I am pretty deep in conceptualizing it. Describing it in further detail would take a very long time. So I will spare you.

I just think that we look at individuals with physical and mental disabilities in the completely wrong light, as a society. I know a lot of people get frustrated with particularly individuals with severe mental illness or deficits, but why? Because they cannot communicate on your level? They have other ways of communicating that are subtle and far more effective than the fancy words we use to try and sound intelligent with. They fare just fine without the huge production everyone else puts on to meet their needs.

I would challenge those people to go spend some time with a SPMI individual and just observe and interact with them. Look at how happy they are. People would disagree with that, saying that SPMI individuals aren't happy. And to an extent I agree. But the reason they aren't is commonly because we are forcing them to interact the way we do, making them conform to what 'normal people' do. But why? What is wrong with how they function? Who am I to say that they way someones God created brain was made defectively? If we gave these people the change, they could learn to survive on their own, within their own terms, and be completely happy.

Put yourself in their place. How freeing would it be to live in a world where we just do what makes us happy and what we need to survive. No stress of money or jobs or higher education or divorce or child support or managing a schedule. Bliss, I say.

I am not saying that these individuals do not have to or are not capable of doing these things. I am saying that if we were to live like they would probably ideally live, these things would not be an issue. They have such a distinct perspective on life that the rest of us can never understand. But instead of trying to understand them and see things their way, we attempt to force our ways on them.

It's just so sad that so many of us do not take the time to see their struggle, recognize the beauty in their accomplishments, and celebrate our wellbeing instead of dwelling on our own surface struggles.

face it, if you turn in a paper late or fail a test nothing life changingly horrible will happen to you. You're life will go on with a mire hiccup. If a disabled individual does not learn to conform to our standards then they could be confined to a group home where they are told what to do for the rest of their lives. Cast out of society and segregated because they are lesser than everyone else on the outside. How utterly insulting. Whats even more insulting is assuming that these individuals do not understand or that it does not matter to them. In some cases we have yet to take the time to explore that.

I guess what I am saying is this:

Be grateful. Someone is struggling far more today than you will struggle in your entire life.

This is what I would say, if Vampires were real....

I will be the first to admit it - I am properly obsessed with the Twilight Series. I know I know, so many people diss it....but read it and you will love it. The movies do not do it justice.....but they are pretty good as well. With this whole surge of Vampiric media I have naturally fallen back in love with the world of Vampires. Something that was always fascinating to me but I never got into too much because all the movies were really corny. Not much has changed, the Twilight movies are kinda corny, I CAN'T STAND Suki from True Blood, and Vampire Diaries has its ups and annoying downs. BUT..... I cannot help but be interested in the whole fantasy behind it. So, here is what I have to say about Vampires, assuming only while you read this, that Vampires could actually be real, even tho I am sorry to say that they are not.

I think that all of it stems from me being a romantic at heart. and, above all, a humongous emo. I have always been drawn to a dark romance. Isn't that at the bottom of vampire stories? It is in my book anyways. The idea of such a dangerous and forbidden, passionate love that will last forever. There couldn't be anything better in my book.

The strong, thin, pale, statuesque, handsome, wild, cultured, intelligent, tortured sole that's willing and able to protect me in order to love me forever. Yeah, I'd sign up for that. What girl wouldn't? Then you add in the conflict of interest with the whole restraining from killing me because the constant pain of self-control is a small price to pay to be close to me. How attractively masochistic.

The soul mate thing gets me too. Being with the one you love long after everyone else in the world is gone. Just being with that one person forever. Uninterrupted adventure for eternity. I'm a loner and an emo and soooo clingy with Alex, it'd totally work out for me. Seriously, it would. I'd have to get me a new Morris tho, I don't know that cats make good vampirey pets. Maybe a crow? That's dark and creepy and can fly. Oh my, I'm thinking too much into this....

Seriously tho, you better believe that if vampires ever turned out to be real I would be the first in line to become one. I'd totally give up everything to become a vampire, turn Alex myself, and live happily ever after. After being apart for as long as we will end up being I think we deserve a bit of extra time to be together, just the two of us. There'd be the whole watching everyone I know die. Yeah that'd be really bad and really hard....ok so there are some down sides to vapirism....back to the good things...

I mean, I already have Alex so I have no need for some mysterious vampire lover to show up on my doorstep and swoon me. Altho the idea of someone being able to control me with 'mind powers' and choosing not to because they honor trust and equality in a relationship is a pretty nice idea as well. But I totally don't need that. I have found Alex against the odds. Anyone who has seen us together for an hour knows how deeply we are connected. We are totally going to be the old couple in the park, cuddling and kissing on the bench, that people point to and go 'aww, they're still in love after all of those years'. In an ideal mythological world, we would be able to express our emo love in such a way as sacrificing everything and everyone for eachother to be vampires. Guess we will have to work on other ways, right? Since our life is going to be a movie anyways, I will have Pixar write something in about it.

.....but man we'd look so damn good in some old fashioned attire with an edgy modern spin. It'd totally suit us. ha. Oh vampires, if only you were real....I got way to into that. I need to stop watching vampire films for awhile :P

Channeling the 50's

This past weekend I went 'home' to Iowa. It was a super short visit, but a good one. I saw nobody but my family and my parent's clients. The reason I went home, you ask? Some of you may not know that my parents teach dance. It's my mom's full-time job and my dad helps out with group lessons and the occasional private lesson. They teach couples dancing - ballroom, latin, night-club, and some country western. Enough about that. Ask me for more info if you're actually interested in that stuff. It's just not the focus of this entry.....

Sooooo this weekend was the 1950's prom themed dance out at 'the barn' (where my mom teaches) and that's what I went back to Iowa for. So basically I got all dolled up like Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's and helped out. Sam and Jared were mostly in charge of the pictures with the '56 T-Bird (pictures of that will be on facebook as soon as I get ahold of the rest of them) and I helped out here and there. It was really fun and the spiked punch was a huge hit.

Lots of people actually recognized me as Holly, from the movie. I was very pleased about that. Oh how I adore Audrey Hepburn. And the 50's in general. If I could have picked a year to be born, it would have been in the mid 20's. That way I could be in my late 20's/early 30's in the 50's. perfection.

Being around during even part of the roaring 20's to see the birth of jazz and all of the dance music, the boost of the economy from WW1.....what an amazing experience. Sure, I'd have to live through WW2 if I was born in the 20's, but look at how strong people are from going through that.

Fast forward to the 50's. By far my favorite decade. I adore the Rockabilly style. I would dress that way in an ideal world. I think the style and culture just suits me. There was so much glamor in Hollywood, amazingly classic, danceable music, beautiful people, innovation......

definitely my kind of decade. Def my scene.....I think my wedding should be 50's themed. How cool would that be?!?! I should start plotting it out. of course, that means I will have to find a different dress. The one I want is huge and blue, full of pick-ups. So pretty, but not 50's at all! I spose I can work it out :) I just can't give-up the 50's hair-do.

My Five Minutes of Insight

So I was sitting in my office, reading for CPL (I was actually doing EXTRA reading, a chapter we aren't even assigned! I never do that, but I was compelled to read it, so I did) and all of the sudden it hit me. My purpose in life. Who would have ever thought that my personal path in life would be uncovered in this way?....

It lets me reflect on how God really does act in mysterious ways....Which is odd as I type this that I even came to that conclusion. Its not that that isn't a natural conclusion to come to, its just one of those cliche things they tell you in church that you wanna believe is true, and do, but you just think of it as things you never really realize are mysterious acts of God. I guess what I am trying to say is that I always figured that 'God's mysterious ways' would be all of the things you never really realize until a long time after it actually happens. Or until you are old and reflecting back on life. Or maybe even something you realize the moment before you die, or even after you die. It makes me laugh to myself to picture my first few moments in the afterlife, waiting to get into heaven. I picture myself in a long line, in a white room, with other people in front and behind me, but they aren't really in focus, more like they are ghostlike, and as I make my way up in the line I get handed a piece of paper by a man dressed in a white suit with shining white wings. And the paper has my name at the top, neatly etched in the prettiest gold handwriting. Below that is a list, printed in plain black text, stating all the ways that God mysteriously worked within my life. I can just picture myself going 'huh, I guess I never saw it that way' or 'ha! I knew God was looking out for me then'....Its a silly image really, but I thought maybe someone out there could get some amusement out of it. Plus, its my blog, so I'm allowed to have digressions :P

Anyways, I was reading chapter 13 of my book for CPL. It is about counseling in crisis intervention. I thought it would be beneficial for me to read it, seeing as I work as a telephone crisis worker. Even though most of the time it isn't really you're traditional crisis hotline work. Anyways, (I say that a lot. note to self: extinguish that annoying habit) I suppose I should back up a bit and start with my mini insights. Sorry everyone, you started reading, now you have to hear my entire lengthy story....

I actually started with chapter 11, cuz I was behind on my reading and need to catch up on last weeks reflection. I actually came across two sentences that resonated so much with me that I got up and searched for a hi-lighter. I intend on writing them down somewhere so I have them later, after the semester is over. The first said "there is almost always a price to pay for becoming stronger".

wow. How true is that? Idk, maybe it doesn't mean anything to anyone else. But for some reason that really sticks with me. I think it is because that is something I have always believed in. Another one of those saying that I actually buy into. It was just strange to see it published in a book that is being used to teach people in the field. A reputable book has that published in it. That's somehow a big deal to me.

I think it also really reflects my state of mind lately. I see so many people in my program so worried about everything. Don't get me wrong, I was like that for the whole first half of the semester. I kinda went back into my 'I'm ok' mode, which most people don't even know I have. Cats out of the bag now I guess. Its not that I was doing bad, or that people should worry about me. I was just fine, but I was struggling. It was a very...intense....first half of the semester. I transitioned well and everything, but it was a struggle.

I guess the saying that I always said wasn't exactly like the one from the book. Maybe that is why it resonates with me so much. Because the one from the book means more. Its more accurate. I always lived by a combo of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "everything happens for a reason". "there is almost always a price to pay for becoming stronger" just makes more sense, and silently fuses both of the ones I used to keep with me. Def my new motto.

The second thing I read from the book that I hi-lighted was "counseling is not appropriate for everyone who seeks it". That one is much more easily identifiable within my life. I have really been struggling with being the client in CPL. It just has not been a good experience from me at all. It isn't because I do not want to open up, or because I am avoiding some deep issues that I should resolve. Do I have issues? of course I do. Everyone does. But I honestly do not think this whole counseling thing is helping me.

Is it bad that I am saying this and I am going to be a counselor? I don't think so. I am not bashing the profession, I just think that at this point in my life it is not very beneficial for me. In the program they push you to get counseling so that you can improve yourself and gain all of this insight and become the best counselor they can help you become. I have been working on analyzing myself for the past 6 years. let me repeat that. I have actively been working on self improvement, on my own, intensively, for 6 years. At this point I'd say I know myself pretty darn well. Am I aware of everything? Probably not. Infact, I know I am not. I don't think that is possible. But I am aware enough to be constantly challenging and bettering myself without pushing too hard. Sometimes I do push too hard and set expectations a bit too high. But I enjoy the process of self-discovery. I am a very strong and independent person. I am very insightful and honest with myself. And I have achieved that on my own. And I am proud of that. I have come so far, more than anyone will ever know. And I know that sounds all deep, maybe a bit corny, or even big headed of me. I don't mean it that way, I am just trying to say that its something I take seriously and am pretty good at.

I know me. And not in a 'i'm a unique individual that is misunderstood', (that always annoys me when those kind of statements come up in class in regards to clients saying that when what they are going through is somewhat predictable and generalizable) but in a 'I am getting to a pretty good place with/about myself. And I don't think there is anything wrong with being proud of that progress'

Its funny how I have gotten sooo off topic. This just further confirms that I think way too much about things.....(brief musical break. A good song came on Grooveshark. Shout out to Alex, whom introduced Grooveshark to me. [I'm listening to Rose of Sharyn and I love you baby!])

Ok, so I promise there is an actual big, spontaneous insight here. I just got sooo excited about it and had nobody to tell so I went to the blog.

When I got to chapter 13 (crisis intervention, for all those out there that have forgotten by now) and in the midst of it just stopped. I stared at the pages, and then my eyes drifted to my wardrobe/closet that was across the room. I kid you not, for five minutes I just sat there, staring, repeating in my head -

I was meant for crisis intervention

(followed by a little, uncontrollable exhale/'huh' and a half smile, every time)

everything in my entire life has led up to this moment. I know that sounds so dramatic, but its true. Everything I have ever gone through has made me who I am right now. All of the horrible, awful experiences. And all of the amazing, blissful moment I never wanted to let go of. All of them have been molding me into the person I am right now. And that person was meant for, built for, crisis intervention.....I feel like I should pause for effect here, and let all the puzzle pieces in my mind click together.

I know this was probably an obvious path that I have somehow fallen into. That's kinda how I have looked at it up until this point. Like I have been wandering through life, kinda aimlessly choosing which path to follow. Just taking whatever was more convenient or whatever seemed like a halfway good idea at the time.

Looking back on my 24 years of life I can see that this is what I was made for. And I knew, to an extent, that that was so. Ever since I have been up here in Wisconsin I have done a lot of reflection and can see the the pieces falling together. And I have been so pumped to have just figured out that counseling is what i wanted to do. And I am naturally drawn to eating disorders and AODA, so I made those my concentrations. But as soon as I got here and had decided that's what I wanted to do, part of me has gone 'yeah, this is very interesting, and I'm really into it. But it isn't quite right'. I just figured that was because I was not out in the field yet with those things, and because I had yet decided what capacity that I wanted to work with those individuals (inpatient, outpatient, a hospital). I figured I'd do it all. Cuz they all would suit me....but now I am realizing its just because I hadn't found the exact niche for me.

AHHHH it all makes sense. Its so exciting. Idk what more to say. There's tons swimming around in my head about it - all the people I want to tell, what exactly I want to do with crisis prevention, where I will be once I start my career, all the ways I want to impact the field, the research I want to do (i never in my life wanted to do research until a few days ago....guess my insight was slowly building to this), all of the national awareness I want to be apart of, all of the people I will someday advocate for....its the most clarity I have ever had (ok, except from those killer pain pills I have in my cabinet that make my thoughts one tracked and my head blank. But that's a different clarity). It feels.... indescribable.

I want to go look up how I feel in the dictionary and learn a new word.

ha. All I can think now is this:

I'm sure Shumate would be pleased....thanks CPL, I guess you can have partial credit for my insight.

What now you say? I go get me a glass of White Zin, watch Family Guy, and then pack for heading home tomorrow....oooo dang, and I need to finish washing my dishes....and Im totally gonna continue to play my music, even tho it is getting late. my neighbors can deal. What a good night.

So this is my first post in 2010!

It came to my attention today, thanks so a lovely girl from my cohort that said she checked this thing out, that I have only had one entry since I have come back. Crazy! none in 2010 either! Guess I am a mess.....so I decided that I would add another entry. Who knows, maybe I will start actually keeping it updated. it could be interesting since I am in gradschool. I'll try not to vent too much :P

SOOOO maybe it is just cuz Alex is coming back that I have decided to write something in here, I guess I don't really now. As I sit here listening to some oldie Alkaline Trio, all I can think to write about is Alex. I guess thats just cuz this blog started when I went over there and kinda stopped when I got back....oops.

enough of that. it was getting repetitive.

ALEX WILL BE HERE SOON! just over a month. I couldn't be more excited and the 25th of May cannot come soon enough. It really feels like I haven't seen him in forever.....I guess it has been several months. In a way I am used to him being away so even though I am excited, it kinda all seems surreal. I mean, he is not coming for good (yet) and he will be in Iowa for most of the summer. But I do get to see him. I'm very pleased. The downside is that after this visit I don't know when I will get to see him next. Prlly not until next summer. Which sucks SO much. We haven't had to pull a year without eachother yet. It is going to be a rough one. He says he will try to come see me at some point during the year. But that really isn't very likely since our school breaks do not match up. lame. But we do what we have to do.

I can not describe how much I look forward to having him here for good. It feels like that is forever away. Just two more years-ish. And then he will be here. We can totally get by, but that doesn't make it suck any less to know that. I just hope it all works out smoothly. I know it won't, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will. I figure we at least deserve a smooth transition after everything we have been through!

I'm starting to complain now....I should end it before I get all sad or complainy. I will have to make this a more regular thing. It could be good for everyone from Iowa to keep up with me, right? And anyone out there in England that reads this too.....well, that will once I tell everybody that I blog again. Peace out. I have a paper to write and a bf to skype.