back in the US of A

just got back on Friday afternoon. it was a productive and necessary trip. i am glad i went, altho it was a difficult trip for many reasons. all if fine. i am suffering from the usual emotions when returning. its exhausting to let myself process everything slowly. i hate the situation i am in. i hate not knowing what is going to happen. leaves me feeling insecure and anxious. ill survive and make due. i always do. thats the price i pay for the life i choose to lead. i look forward to it being over soon. its wearing on me. never really gets easier like i had hoped it would. dont even know why i am writing this if i am being honest. it is just coming across as pessimistic. guess ill be done. this is becoming pointless. back to cuddling morris and vacantly watching tv in an attempt to distract my mind. i need to get motivated to do a hobby or something....

Revelation

I had a revelation this morning that was based on recent eventful news. It has made me realize that I have to get out of God's way and let His plan work its self out. I will not be planning my next step, I will be allowing Him to guide me in the correct direction.....I realized today that He truly has been directing my life to the next step without me even knowing. He has hinted at it throughout my semester, but I was overlooking the signs. I see them now and am confident I am correct my unexpected step towards the future. I guess a night of feeling insecure and terrified was what it took to wake me up from planning and getting in my own way in His way. I am not ready to fully disclose what I think this plan is, but am anxious to let it unfold. I will keep everyone posted. 

And as for my conversation with Alex, I am (mostly) at peace with that as well. 

kind regards

Dream #6

Somehow my parents convinced me that I should have a baby. Haven't a clue how, but in the dream they had. I was prego in the dream for a short period of time. Artificially inseminated. Didn't see the birth, but I had had the baby and was suddenly fighting all Teen Mom style with a friend over whom would get the baby more, me or her. Yes, I was fighting with a girl over it. I was really confused in the dream and was arguing with her about why she thought she could even see my baby, as it wasn't like I was a lesbian with her and she had no part in the decision for me to have a baby. But the two of us argued and she eventually, somehow took my baby to her parents house. I was livid, and yelled a lot about how she had no right to my baby and how the two of us needed to split the time with the baby equally. I also made the argument that if anyone got to have it more it would be me for carrying it. I threatened to take her to court and everything. I also used her personal issues to attack her character and for proof that she was an unfit, controlling mother, and I would not allow her to anymore have contact with my child. the end.

although this dream was fairly tame, it strikes me as very odd for many reasons. I am not a lesbian and don't even hang around this friend very often. I'd never let my parents convince me into having a bay, i don't even want to have my own. and lastly, not really sure why i'd ever be artificially inseminated....I have for years had a strong preference for adoption over anything else. oh yeah, and Alex wasn't around. If I were to ever aquire children, he would be part if it.

Dream #5

a second dream I had this morning, after my alarm went off and I fell back asleep. Morris was still cuddled up with me, but had changed positions when the alarm went off and my movement disturbed him. This dream did not involve me in it at all. It was like watching a movie.

The dream started like I was tuning into a movie already in session. Bella, from Twilight, had been bitten on the neck by some random vampire bad guys. She was put, for some reason, in a dark basement that seemed to be made entirely by wood. It reminded be a bit of a creepy cellar. It looked cold and damp. It was cluttered with things. She seemed to be in pain, but not from the bite on her neck. There was a pile of musical records in a crate that was sitting on top of a pile of things and stacked next to the wall. She began to look for a way out of the basement. She found a large, heavy looking, old door leading to the outside. It was stuck closed and she realized that they would probably hear her leave through it. She decided to turn her attention to the large, foggy window. She appeared in pain for a moment. The vampires heard her cry in pain so they came down to the basement. She hid in a closet until they left. Again, she was in a lot of pain but this time she made no noise. When the vampires were gone she took the records, which for some reason were something the vampires wanted and had something to do with their victims. She knew she would only have a few moments before the vampires realized she was gone, but decided to risk it anyways. She easily got out of the window and took off for a nearby woods. She tossed the records in some bushes and kept running. The vampires were searching for her so she hid in different bushes than the records were in, further into the woods. As she was hiding, it was apparent to be what the pain she experienced was. She had had a stillborn child. It was nothing I saw, but for whatever reason that clicked for me as the viewer of this movie-like dream. 

I then woke up and decided to stay awake.

Dream #4

from this morning, again after Morris cuddled up to me. Also disturbing.

I was cooking in a kitchen that in real life is unfamiliar to me. Alex, Sam, and Jared were there. They were not focal points of the dream and were not always in the kitchen with me. Their presence was apparent throughout the dream, even when they were in the next room. I cannot recall conversations I had with them or the nature of interactions with any of them. I know that I did have some and they seemed natural within the dream. The part I do remember distinctly was stirring something in a pot on the stove. For some reason I also had a knife and was cutting things on the stove or over the pot, I can't remember for sure. While I was cutting various food items I suddenly seemed to stop cutting things. I never saw where I was getting the food items from, they just seemed to appear in my hands. When I had nothing in my hands,  for some reason I kept making the cutting motion. Since there was no food in my hands, I ended up cutting straight across  my wrist. It was a few seconds in the dream before I realized what was happening. After cutting my wrist I just stopped and stood there, starring at where the food in my hand should be. Blood started pouring out of my wrist. I tipped my head to the side slightly and watched it flow down my arm and only the stove. I was not scared but I had not done it on purpose either. I remember thinking that it looked like a river coming from my wrist. After a few seconds I picked up a small rectangular bit of cloth and put it on my wrist. It stuck to my wrist and the river stopped. I took a dishtowel and wiped off my arm in one swipe. I turned my attention to the stove and was suddenly concerned that it needed to be cleaned off. Not because it would disturb anyone else, or because I wanted to hide what had happened, but simply because a stove needed to be clean in order for others to use it. I was on my knees in front of the stove, scrubbing away at the trail down the front. It was caked on and my fingers were hurting from scrubbing so hard. Alex came in and inquired as to what had happened. I told him and he insisted on taking me to get stitches. I was opposed to the idea because the blood was no longer dripping all over the place. Somehow the stuck on fabric rectangle had been replaced by a traditional bandaid. It showed no signs of bleeding through. I remember being in the car and driving somewhere to get stitched up. The next I know I am back in the kitchen, scrubbing at the stove again. Then my alarm went off. 

This dream really disturbed me so I looked it up in my dreams book. Massive loss of blood in a dream means loss of emotional strength. There was stuff about weapons, but I didn't think it applied at all. It also said something about needing emotional reciprocation. Its interesting that I have this dream today. If I would have had it a week ago then I may have agreed with the emotional draining, but I am not consciously feeling that way anymore.....then again, maybe I am and just don't realize it. I have been trying to get myself more focused over the past week. Who knows.