Dream #6

Somehow my parents convinced me that I should have a baby. Haven't a clue how, but in the dream they had. I was prego in the dream for a short period of time. Artificially inseminated. Didn't see the birth, but I had had the baby and was suddenly fighting all Teen Mom style with a friend over whom would get the baby more, me or her. Yes, I was fighting with a girl over it. I was really confused in the dream and was arguing with her about why she thought she could even see my baby, as it wasn't like I was a lesbian with her and she had no part in the decision for me to have a baby. But the two of us argued and she eventually, somehow took my baby to her parents house. I was livid, and yelled a lot about how she had no right to my baby and how the two of us needed to split the time with the baby equally. I also made the argument that if anyone got to have it more it would be me for carrying it. I threatened to take her to court and everything. I also used her personal issues to attack her character and for proof that she was an unfit, controlling mother, and I would not allow her to anymore have contact with my child. the end.

although this dream was fairly tame, it strikes me as very odd for many reasons. I am not a lesbian and don't even hang around this friend very often. I'd never let my parents convince me into having a bay, i don't even want to have my own. and lastly, not really sure why i'd ever be artificially inseminated....I have for years had a strong preference for adoption over anything else. oh yeah, and Alex wasn't around. If I were to ever aquire children, he would be part if it.

Dream #5

a second dream I had this morning, after my alarm went off and I fell back asleep. Morris was still cuddled up with me, but had changed positions when the alarm went off and my movement disturbed him. This dream did not involve me in it at all. It was like watching a movie.

The dream started like I was tuning into a movie already in session. Bella, from Twilight, had been bitten on the neck by some random vampire bad guys. She was put, for some reason, in a dark basement that seemed to be made entirely by wood. It reminded be a bit of a creepy cellar. It looked cold and damp. It was cluttered with things. She seemed to be in pain, but not from the bite on her neck. There was a pile of musical records in a crate that was sitting on top of a pile of things and stacked next to the wall. She began to look for a way out of the basement. She found a large, heavy looking, old door leading to the outside. It was stuck closed and she realized that they would probably hear her leave through it. She decided to turn her attention to the large, foggy window. She appeared in pain for a moment. The vampires heard her cry in pain so they came down to the basement. She hid in a closet until they left. Again, she was in a lot of pain but this time she made no noise. When the vampires were gone she took the records, which for some reason were something the vampires wanted and had something to do with their victims. She knew she would only have a few moments before the vampires realized she was gone, but decided to risk it anyways. She easily got out of the window and took off for a nearby woods. She tossed the records in some bushes and kept running. The vampires were searching for her so she hid in different bushes than the records were in, further into the woods. As she was hiding, it was apparent to be what the pain she experienced was. She had had a stillborn child. It was nothing I saw, but for whatever reason that clicked for me as the viewer of this movie-like dream. 

I then woke up and decided to stay awake.

Dream #4

from this morning, again after Morris cuddled up to me. Also disturbing.

I was cooking in a kitchen that in real life is unfamiliar to me. Alex, Sam, and Jared were there. They were not focal points of the dream and were not always in the kitchen with me. Their presence was apparent throughout the dream, even when they were in the next room. I cannot recall conversations I had with them or the nature of interactions with any of them. I know that I did have some and they seemed natural within the dream. The part I do remember distinctly was stirring something in a pot on the stove. For some reason I also had a knife and was cutting things on the stove or over the pot, I can't remember for sure. While I was cutting various food items I suddenly seemed to stop cutting things. I never saw where I was getting the food items from, they just seemed to appear in my hands. When I had nothing in my hands,  for some reason I kept making the cutting motion. Since there was no food in my hands, I ended up cutting straight across  my wrist. It was a few seconds in the dream before I realized what was happening. After cutting my wrist I just stopped and stood there, starring at where the food in my hand should be. Blood started pouring out of my wrist. I tipped my head to the side slightly and watched it flow down my arm and only the stove. I was not scared but I had not done it on purpose either. I remember thinking that it looked like a river coming from my wrist. After a few seconds I picked up a small rectangular bit of cloth and put it on my wrist. It stuck to my wrist and the river stopped. I took a dishtowel and wiped off my arm in one swipe. I turned my attention to the stove and was suddenly concerned that it needed to be cleaned off. Not because it would disturb anyone else, or because I wanted to hide what had happened, but simply because a stove needed to be clean in order for others to use it. I was on my knees in front of the stove, scrubbing away at the trail down the front. It was caked on and my fingers were hurting from scrubbing so hard. Alex came in and inquired as to what had happened. I told him and he insisted on taking me to get stitches. I was opposed to the idea because the blood was no longer dripping all over the place. Somehow the stuck on fabric rectangle had been replaced by a traditional bandaid. It showed no signs of bleeding through. I remember being in the car and driving somewhere to get stitched up. The next I know I am back in the kitchen, scrubbing at the stove again. Then my alarm went off. 

This dream really disturbed me so I looked it up in my dreams book. Massive loss of blood in a dream means loss of emotional strength. There was stuff about weapons, but I didn't think it applied at all. It also said something about needing emotional reciprocation. Its interesting that I have this dream today. If I would have had it a week ago then I may have agreed with the emotional draining, but I am not consciously feeling that way anymore.....then again, maybe I am and just don't realize it. I have been trying to get myself more focused over the past week. Who knows.

Dream #3

Just had this one this morning. It was rather graphic and dark for some reason in parts.....

I was in my uncle Don's kitchen but none of my extended family was there. Sitting at the table were family members (dad, Sam, Jared, Beth) and Graham and Gordon. My mom was in her bedroom at our old house, which was somehow down the hall from my uncle's kitchen. She was dressing and getting frustrated because I kept going into her room to update her on what was happening in the kitchen. She seemed to always be trying to put on nylons and was falling all over the place, but did not want help. I did not offer in the dream though and I seemed oblivious to her wanting me to stop communicating with her, even though she clearly told me to in the dream. In the kitchen, we were all preparing our characters for something. It was never clear what we were preparing for, but we were all looking at papers and getting dressed in costumes. Looking back on it, it seemed like a murder mystery perhaps, but this was never stated and the papers we were looking at were typing paper, not the murder mystery booklets. Gordon, as usual, was a women and was getting dresses as one like he has in the past for murder mysteries. Graham was constructing and painting a  model of a man climbing up a wall. It was vaguely DnD-ish and he was dressed in his brown Star Wars cloak. On the table was a black and white, very graphic picture of a dead women. I won't explain in detail, but it was very graphic, seeming to transform and change based on what was being said about the photo.My dad was cutting it up into pieces as he spoke about the women and how she died. Then, people were piecing it back together like a puzzle, but rotating the pieces to make the women lay in different ways. Somehow it always made a cohesive picture, no matter how the pieces were misplaced or rotated. also, sometimes when I would go tell my mom something I would stop into my old bedroom at the house I grew up in. Until I got into my mom's room I would continue to speak to the people in the kitchen as if they were next to me. They understood me. When I went in my old bedroom Alex, Graham, and Gordon would be in their getting their characters for whatever ready. Also, Morris sat perched on the dresser that I used then (and is now used as my wine cabinet), wanting attention. During the time I spent in my old bedroom, a baby kitten appeared. It was a pale orange/yellow striped kitten that fit in the palm of my hand but was very fluffy and cuddly. For whatever reason, we were convinced it looked identical to Morris and that it was somehow his kitten....even though Morris still was a black cat like he is in real life. We were convinced that a female cat visited several weeks prior, Morris knocked it up, then it returned to leave this tiny baby kitten with Morris. The dream kept rotating between these three places seamlessly and oddly enough, besides continuing conversation on the same topic, the dream never progressed in any of the rooms. I never found out why we were getting dressed, nobody even finished getting ready. It was not figured out where the baby kitten had come from or what would be done with it. My mom never got her nylons on or her hair done (something she talked about needing to do).

Lenten Confusion

A recent status on facebook made me think about how confusing the Lenten season is. Not that God will strike someone down if they get the dates wrong or don't understand why there are 46 days between Ash Wed and Easter Sunday when Lent mimics the 40 days of fasting Jesus had in the desert. I was always confused by that, but like many kids that grew up going to Catholic school, I never questioned what I perceived as an inconsistency. I now understand it, but only because I looked it up myself. Since this is my blog and the subject has come up recently with me, I am going to do a little Roman Catholic psychoeducation with you. Feel free to skip. I am not trying to convert anyone or anything, just wanted to share my knowledge because I think it is interesting.

So there is debate on the whole Lenten season and how long it "lasts". Typically people think 40 days because that is how long Jesus fasted in the desert and we (Roman Catholics as well as many other Christian denominations) give something up for Lent and don't eat meat on Fridays, some even fasting completely on Fridays. Lets see, where to start first....

The calculation of the 40 (actually 46) days of Lent:

Jesus and his original disciples were Jewish. They celebrated Sabbath on Saturday because this was the 7th day in God's creation of earth, where he rested. To honor this they too would refrain from labor, spending the day praying and resting. However, when Jesus rose from the dead on a Sunday, early Christians (including the original disciples) decided to switch the Sabbath to a Sunday to honor Christ rising from the dead on a weekly basis. Since all Sundays are utilized for rest, prayer, and honoring Christ's rebirth, then they are not to be used for penance or fasting. So when the Lenten 40 days of fasting began to mimic the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert before beginning his public ministry, Sundays were not included in the count to continue the honoring of the Sabbath. To include the proper 40 days, Lent was extended to be 6 full weeks because only 6 of the 7 days in a week are included in the count. This makes 36 days. Then you count Ash Wed and the Thurs, Fri, and Sat that follow it. That makes your 40 days of fasting in the 46 days between Ash Wed and Easter Sunday.

So When does the Lent end?

This is also somewhat of a debate. Some people stop fasting at the beginning of Holy week, some on Easter, some Easter Saturday, some Holy Thursday...it can get confusing as well. Technically, the fasting begins on Ash Wed. Most Americans, Catholic or not, would agree with this. In Eastern practices though, they use Clean Monday as the beginning of their lent. No matter, I am Roman Catholic, I go with Ash Wed. Taking into consideration the above way to calculate the 40 days of Lent, the fasting then ends on Holy Saturday (the day before Easter Sunday). Typically this is what people want to know when they ask when Lent ends. Some people go ahead and extend the fasting to whenever they have their traditional Easter Sunday family gatherings after Easter Sunday services. This is due to a confusion or lack of awareness on how the 40 days of Lenten fasting are calculated. Interestingly enough, liturgically, Lent is said to end 2 days prior to Holy Saturday, on Holy Thursday. This has to do with some governing rules that the Roman Catholic calender follows that state that Lent runs from Ash Wed to the mass of the Lord's Supper on Holy Thursday.

So Catholics actually fast when and what?

According to the Catholic church, people 18 years of age to only 59 years of age must partake in the fasting. Fasting days include Ash Wed and Good Friday. Adding to that, Catholics 14 years of age and older cannot eat meat on those two fasting days plus all Fridays during the Lenten season. Here in the US, bishops actually allow one full meal and then a small snackish sized something twice a day to be considered fasting. Of course, no meat is allowed in this. You can have meat based broth, eggs, milk, lard, or other "condiments" made from meat fat. You can also have meat juices, which were sometimes poured on top of salads way back when as a form of seasoning. Fish is allowed also, which is was has been traditionally eaten by Catholics on Fridays during Lent so they can still get all those nutrients. It is not required that we eat fish on Fridays, which some people think it is because so many churches and restaurants have Friday fish fries. Additionally, many Catholics give something up during Lent as a form of penance. To show that we are going without something that is difficult for us. It is a kind of suffering in honor of what Jesus went through in order for us to have everlasting life in heaven. It is a common misconception that we are required to give something up. Infact, penance can include many things such as prayer, alms-giving, personal charity, and abstinence/self-denial. Any of these are an acceptable form of penance during Lent. So instead of suffering, we are allowed to do something that benefits others, much like the way Jesus lived his daily life. No, we do not believe that we are doomed to hell if we mess up. The sickly, elderly, weak, and children can all opt out of these traditions in the eyes of the church, but many people out of the required age bracket choose to partake anyways.

So there you have it, my bit-o-knowledge of Lent for you. Hope it was interesting.

Dream #2

This one I had this morning.

I am in the livingroom of the house I grew up in. The room is set up differently, but it is the same house. I am sitting on the floor, cuddles up to Alex as he leans against the couch playing videogames. He is playing against a guy I went to middle school with but never really talked to. I excuse myself, saying I am going to go downstairs and check on things. In what was the spare bedroom I find a childhood friend (although it looked nothing like her) that, in my dream, had gained a lot of weight. She is there with her boyfriend. I am not sure in real life if she is even dating someone, but it was someone I did not know. 

I remember her having something of mine. She would not give it back. I thought she may have hidden it so I began to search the room for it. I could not tell you what the object was, but in the dream I very much wanted it back. I could not find it and wanted, in the dream, to become very aggressive with her in order to get it back. I was very angry and very wound up. She refused to surrender it and backed into the closet. I remember pushing past her and thinking, but not saying, that she had gained a lot of weight. 

I ran upstairs and told Alex. He virtually ignored me and would not come help me get it back. His game was too important. I returned downstairs and continued to try and get it back. I was bargaining with them and eventually we got into a verbal argument where they began making insulting comments towards me. I began crying and was furious that they would not surrender whatever it was I wanted back so badly. I returned back upstairs to tell Alex I needed help defending myself. He did not offer to come help and did not stop his game. He opened his arm towards me and invited me to come cuddle him. He held me, soothing me by rocking me and kissing me on the top of the bead. I buried my face in his side until I was calm. 

I returned downstairs to find the friend and her boyfriend holding my sister's flute. Sam never played the flute in real life but apparently owned one in the dream. They wanted to trade the flute for what I wanted back. After arguing with them about whether or not Sam already gave them the OK for this trade, I eventually agreed....only to discover that whatever it was they had and I wanted they had broken. I had to settle with some children's game that was covered in dirt and missing pieces. As I sifted through the game I remember suddenly it was like I was watching a commercial. My entire view in the dream was a commercial for a children's game with 9 kids standing in a 3 x 3 grid, singing a song and jumping up or squatting down in a variety of patterns that coincided with the jingle they sang. 

Then I wore up to find Morris cuddled up next to my side, something I had forgotten about but realized when I woke up to my alarm before I had the dream.

Dream #1

I have been having lots of strange dreams lately. Every few nights I will have one that is very vivid and realistic. I have decided to write about all of them here and see if I can make any connections at a later time between some of them. Here is the first one:

I had this dream, on Saturday morning.

It began with me in Vegas. I am not sure how I got there, the point of me being there, or what time of year it was. I remember walking through a club. There was some MTV host there, much like they have for spring break, giving away prizes and having contests. This particular club was a dance club that also happened to have sunken hot tubs you could sit in. Nobody seemed to mind that people's feet were in your face as you danced by the fairly narrow walkways between some of the hot tubs. For whatever reason I was wandering around, not searching for anything in particular, not dancing, not hottubing. I just walked around casually.

I heard my name being shouted. It was my very close friend Sara. She was in a hot tub, drink in hand, chatting with 2 girls we went to high school with and someone Sara introduced as a co-worker. Sara was on vacation. Neither of us expected the other to be there. They were participating in some form of contest, something about keeping their hand in a certain place. When I declined getting in the hot tub and/or drinking with them, then forfeited the contest and took me to their room. I literally remember turning around in the dream and magically being in their hotel room. It was a generic, but nice hotel. They were explaining how they had been there for days and hadn't done much but lay around the room and go out to eat. They did not seem disappointed by this, it was stated more of a matter-of-fact. 

I don't remember much more about being with them or in the hotel room. I remember the variance in the mood when the scene shifted though. In the club they were all excited to see me and seemed to be having a good time. In the room they were very blank, almost sullen. I did not make note of this in the dream though, it is only upon reflection that I find it odd. 

The next thing I know I am back in the club, running from "bad guys". They are not anybody I know and I struggle to remember what they even looked like. I remember it as being more of a bad feeling that was chasing me, instead of an actual person. This time in the club I moved through it swiftly and with purpose. I continued to scan the room like I had at the beginning of the dream, but it was now with urgency. I do not know what I was looking for, but I had intent now. I was looking for something/someone specifically. I did not find whatever it was. I dodged about and hid momentarily like I was being secretive and trying to not get caught. Never do I remember having whatever was chasing me close by, but I maintained feeling urgency to find whatever it was I needed in the dream. 

Eventually I was in the basement of the club. Yes, it had a basement I ran down a small metal spiral staircase to get to. I could feel the bad guys getting closer but there was nowhere to go. It was empty halls with locked doors. No decor. Just cement floors and tan walls. The doors were plain, no windows or markings. I felt as if the halls were and endless maze, although I was not running down them for long. I found a manhole that went into the sewer. I opened it and jumped down. It was dark, damp but not wet, and fairly clean. It was not tall enough of a space for me to walk so I had to crawl. It was only a few feet of crawling before I found a second manhole. I opened it and went down. This time I put the cover back on the man hole, something I had not done with the first one. 

This manhole had a ladder. I climbed down and into a laboratory. There I found my dad and younger sister. They were building puppies. yes, puppies. Assembling them like they were robots. Except they were real puppies once assembled. They looked a lot like the puppy my family had kept from the litter Bella had. All identical black cocapoos, curly and fluffy. As they finished assembling them they let them run around. Parts of them started to fall off. When this happened my dad or Sam would simply push the pieces back together or glue it on. They found nothing strange in any of this. I did, even in the dream.

They let me keep a puppy, one with an eye that kept falling out. When the eye was in the puppy's head it looked normal. When it fell out it looked like a teddy bear eye. It just kept getting glued back on. I did not participate in any of this, I just kept watching. I no longer felt like I was actively searching, although I acknowledged not finding whatever I was searching for. The overriding emotion int his part of the dream was vague confusion and small curiosity.I did not speak to my sister or my dad, they didn't even seem to note my presence.

Eventually Morris the cat wandered in. I was not surprised by his presence. He jumped on the table near me and wanted to be pet. I pet him and a clump of his whiskers fell off. My sister came over, put glue on the back of Morris's whisker clump and stuck it back on his face. I did not like this and took it off of him. 

That is when I woke up.

So I am a future LPC

It is on days like this, when I wake up in a bad mood that I cannot shake, that I get really annoyed with myself. Not just a normal getting annoyed, but an annoyed because I know so much stuff about the human mind. And because sometimes I cannot stop myself from utilizing that information, no matter how hard I try.

Having the knowledge that I do, I have the tendency to see into what others are saying and get to all that lovely underlying stuff that people don't care to talk about. I am pretty good about compartmentalizing myself to ensure that when I am not in school mode or at practicum that I do not analyze everyone around me. I particularly make sure not to do this about people I know well and care about. I do not want to be using my knowledge against them in any way. I would never do that on purpose, but I am also careful to make sure that they do not misinterpret what I say as me doing so....if that makes sense. 

On days like today though, I am all over the map as far as seeing into what others are doing. It just so happens that one of the things I observed today was someone trying to manipulate me. I was no standing for it but in too bad of a mood to speak up. No sense in making my bad day worse I figured. I was able to hold my tongue, but I could not stop examining what this person was doing. And, of course, the more I did it the more it annoyed me. 

I was having a related conversation with a peer and professor the other day. It was about how sometimes you start detecting all of the things you learned in yourself and get stuck in this awful place where you know why you are acting in a certain way, what is connected with it, how others are seeing you, and what you should do to change all the things you are doing wrong at that particular moment. You start getting so annoyed with yourself and the fact that you can't turn it off and simply don't want to put forth the effort to make the necessary changes. I am also kinda stuck in that today.

It almost. ALMOST. makes me wish I chose another career path. It is only going to get more intense as I become more experienced. I will forever be spending my time solving other people's problems and analyzing other people's thoughts and behaviors. I do really enjoy it and find it very rewarding, even though this is certainly not convincing of that. I just wish that I still had the ability to be oblivious to all of this. To be able to sit in my bad mood for awhile, experience it, and get past it. For whatever reason, today my brain is not letting me do this. It is lecturing me about what I SHOULD be doing to turn myself around. My body just has no energy for that today. 

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All I want to do is go nap in the sun, allowing Morris to frolic about without getting lost or hurt, and just drift away to that place in my mind where everything is perfect.

Picture Perfect

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my laptop...just out of boredom and in the interest of adding something of interest....you know, for all of those many many people that read this :P

                                                                 My Girls <3

                                                                    Sepia 50's

                                                                        50's Fam

                                                             My Beautiful Sister

                                                               Dark Fairie

                                                              Thanksgiving Host

                                                                   Christmas Tie

                                                     The Whole Family

                                                          My English Loves

                                                     The Lawless Family

                                                 Graduation Celebration

                                                             ANTM Sisters

                                                     My Girlies, Again :)

                                                                 Me cuddling baby Sam

 

                                                                Christmas Time Photo-Op

                                                                 Window Sill Chillin

                                                                  All Dolled Up

                                                            Being Frogs

                                                       Morris in His Devil Outfit

Hope you enjoyed !

I'm so sick, Infected with, where I live, let me live without this (in the tune of Flyleaf)

So for the past week I have been feeling mildly sick. I say mildly because my symptoms come and go and change altogether every 2 days. When I am feeling them, they are pretty bad. Sometimes excruciating and debilitating. Other times they are easily ignored. You can imagine how annoying that is.

My mom suggested that I might have allergies. She says people typically have allergies at some point in their lifetime. I have never, to my knowledge, had allergies of any sort. I did have what they determined to be an allergic reaction to a creme type medication once. But nothing of the sorts since. My mom went on to tell me that allergies are particularly bad this year because it got warm early, things started blooming, and then we got cold weather and snow again. I guess that makes allergies worse somehow....

I bought into the possibility of that idea until this afternoon when attending my first Zumba class at my new gym. I was super pumped to go, but sadly, I got very ill about halfway through and had to stop. It was a very interesting reaction. I was doing fine and catching onto the dance moves (the teacher did not speak one word to the class, let alone show the movements beforehand) until I all the sudden started feeling lighted headed. I decided to take my water bottle and go walk around for a moment before returning to class. I went out and barely made it to the benches before I felt like I was going to pass out. I was having trouble breathing, my ears and face were hot, my skin was flushed, there was pressure in my chest, my back was hurting, I got dizzy....it was a mess. After a few moments of sitting out I decided that it would be best if I did not return.

I gathered my things and went to my car. I was actually scared to drive because walking was making me feel more light headed. I got to my car, rolled down the windows, and sat in it for several minutes, drinking water and trying to take slow, deep breaths. Once I was sure that I felt well enough to drive home safely, I made the trek home. Ever since then I have had a low grade temperature, more of a sore throat than before class, and I am getting hot flashes and cold chills. I definitely have something.

WebMD was useless. I spent 20 minutes entering all 28 of my symptoms, only to have it come up with 20 different diagnoses. I was able to R/O a bunch of the crazy ones that I knew were not possible, but it really didn't give me anything helpful. I was disappointed. 

Currently, I am feeling better than when I returned from class, but nowhere near well. I am glad that I have nothing that needs to be done tonight. I was planning on working on this paper due next week, but I am just not up to it tonight, I am keeping my fingers crossed that I am feeling up to it tomorrow...we shall see. For now, I am going to lay on the couch with Morris the Cat and watch tv before heading to bed early....its only 930 and I am feeling very sleepy and have a horrid headache. This is very unusual with me. I might have to make a trip to Eau Claire to the HP urgent care center since the doctors office here always seems to be full and not take walk-ins. lame. 

Ok, off to get better. Send me your well wishes!