So the love of my life gets here in just under a week and I could not be more excited about it. Idk if I will get it all written down, words can't really express how ecstatic I am about this. And the gushing begins...
I have not seen Alex in 7 months.....7 months! That's far too long.
I have been having dreams about his visit for weeks now. The best part about them is that as soon as i wake up and think about how nice it was, I realize that him being here will far exceed anything I could dream up. That is the best feeling I can possibly have without being in his presence.
He is undoubtedly the best thing to ever happen to me.
I know a lot of people say that God or religion is the best thing to ever happen to them. Don't get me wrong, that's a huge part of my life and extremely important to me. But I have always had that and always will. Its immeasurably important to me.....But Alex I have lived without and have the possibility of losing in a variety of ways. Alex was given to me by God. I guess I should take that statement back then...Alex is undoubtedly the best thing that I have ever been given on this Earth. Better for everyone? :P
Back to Alex and how amazing he is. He really is amazing.
It's hard for me to think that we have 'officially' been together for only two years. It seems like so much longer. In a good way though. I think the fact that we spend so much time apart plays into it a lot. Plus we have been together unofficially for 3 years. Sooo that plays into it as well. It's kindof a depressing thought to know that we still have 2 more years left to be apart. 2 years being away from the one you love is hard. The next 2 will be just as bad, I expect. I am hoping that school distracts both of us enough that it goes by fast. Nothing could make it come fast enough, but a distraction to pass the time will have to do.
I know we can make it through, I have no doubts about that at all. I just hate being away from him. I literally am more relaxed and happy when he is here. He makes me feel safe and loved and important and.....like I am exactly where I am meant to be. When he is away I do not quite feel satisfied or comfortable. In fact, I am rather anxious, bored, and in a state of constant longing and heartache. Its not that I don't enjoy things when he isn't here, it just feels more enjoyable and natural to have him around. When he isn't then something is missing. He truly takes a part of me with him when he leaves. And, as he says, he leaves his heart with me when he leaves.
There are so many song lyrics and quotes from classic romance novels that I could quote right now to sortof some up what I am thinking. I will spare everyone because choosing only a few would be far too difficult.
I think, oddly enough, Alex is why I enjoy the Twilight series so much. It's funny because he thinks the series is crap. I think it is because he fears a mythological creature can make him look bad. That thought is hilarious to me because when I read the books I think to myself "awww" when Edward says something all romantic to Bella and then wonder if Alex would've done the same or better. ha. I'm a mushy emo mess, I know. I sound like a 13 yr old girl with a crush. I can't help it.
**sigh**
I could go on and on and attempt to explain this to everyone out there. But I don't think I will. It isn't worth it because I won't be able to articulate it accurately. And also, I could gush emoly about Alex for days. If I keep going now this blog will be record length. I will just leave you with this instead because it sums things up nicely. And yes, it is as close to accurate as I can be in one phrase....
The best part about this is that a few of the people this blog is about may actually read this....I guess it should make me hyper aware of what I write. But just an fyi - I'm totally going to be honest. Brace yourselves!
So I guess at the end of my first semester of Grad School things aren't quite as I thought they would be. I expected things to be different from what I expected, if that makes sense. You see, I love to make all of these plans and map out all of the possible outcomes to every response I can manage to think of that has a decent probability of happening and is related to the 'plan'. And then usually none of the options I had thought up happen. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with the plans. I've decided it is just my way of not worrying and being prepared(I have a hx of overthinking, can you tell?). I have to say, it makes me very calm in a variety of situations. That's a bonus....anyways, I'm already straying from the topic.
So I came to Menomonie with this grand plan of getting through Grad School and finding my niche (that box can be checked!). Getting in and getting out was the plan. I have a time limit to this stuff. Bad idea, I know. I should come with a completely open mind and make the most of the Grad School experience. Not everyone is lucky enough to have one, and def not everyone gets to be part of an amazing program like Stout's. I'm one very blessed girl.
When I heard John's 2 year plan I was ecstatic. Two years - perfect. I can get things done in time to be settled somewhere when Alex gets here. Wonderful! Then life is complete, right? My answer was and still is, yes.
Basically my plan was all business and no pleasure. Just me and Morris wading through Grad School. That's all I needed. Get the best and most from what I am offered, academically.
Friends really weren't in the plan. Not at all actually. I had some walls up for such cases. And they worked pretty well actually. For awhile. I guess I came here with so many long distance relationships to juggle that I really did not want to make more for myself. Lets be honest, I am the poster child for meaningful long distance relationships. They suck in a lot of ways. And I really don't need more.
I am only going to be in the state of Wisconsin for Grad School. You better believe I am out of here after that. It's nothing against Wisconsin, it just isn't my scene. Even though it's a very pretty state, I do not intend on coming back after I graduate. I came here with no reason to come back. I plan on moving somewhere bigger. A suburb of a big city, that is. The twin cities perhaps, or maybe even St. Louis I am thinking at this point. I'm not bothered which, whatever works best for both Alex and myself. Bottom line is - whatever close friends I make here will turn into long distance ones really soon. ick.
It doesn't have to be all bad. When do I ever see something as all bad? The answer is never. I know at least one of my potential readers out there knows the back-story on that. To her I say this - you go girl! Way to know something others won't get and way to get a shoutout for it! For everyone else, the condensed version - I have this knack for turning everything bad into something good. My mom taught me that via reasons other than the obvious warm-fuzzy things you are probably thinking about now. Confused? Yeah fair enough, it's confusing for me too. Let's move on.
The good - I have actually met some people I am connecting with in a deeper, personal, potential close friend kinda way. That's way nice. I went through all 4 years of college without making any new lasting ones, and I tried then. Now here I am, telling myself that friends aren't my concern, and they are coming my way. And I am embracing it.
I must admit I was a bit leery at first. EVERYONE from all of the other cohorts seemed to be buzzing drama and warning me about keeping my guard up cuz people like to be clicky and mean. All I can think of is highschool drama on a more intellectual and competitive scale. So not me. Wasn't in highschool, isn't now. And I get it, I just choose to not be a part of it.
Long story short (cuz I know how super long I tend to make my blogs) - people have proved me wrong. It isn't that I didn't suspect there was genuinely good people here, I truly think everyone I have met is nice. It's just that I told myself I didn't need friends. I am probably overly content being a loner if I have Morris around, as sad as that is. BUT there are some great people that I have been hanging around recently that are sweethearts. And I could really look forward to getting close with them, if they continue to give me that chance of course :)
It's kinda nice to be meeting new friends. It's been since highschool that I have made multiple really close friends. And to those ladies I say - I love you my 6-pack! You could never be replaced and all of you will be in this kids wedding someday....we shall see who makes it to the isle first :)
Now that THAT shoutout is over I'd like to add in there that I have made some other lifelong friends along the way. But they are in their own category - My Camp Family. Ooooh and Troy!
To all of those amazingly fun people I am getting to know at Stout that may or may not be reading this at some point - thanks for keeping after me to hangout. You guys are awesome and I honestly look forward to many more memories ahead and creating close friendships. I promise I am open to it now so you best be careful, I am.....different to say the least, and I am not just referring to my sometimes 'out there' or (as I has told 4 times in one night by different drunk college guys) 'Lady GaGa' clothing choices. You'll see :) I look forward to sharing the Grad School adventure with all of you....and beyond. Assuming you still enjoy my company after getting to know me :P
Ok so that's not exactly the word I'm looking to use here....
Very few know that I used to be really into poetry. It was one of my strongest coping skills during times of struggle. After hearing the lecture this past Friday in CPL I decided to bust out my poetry notebook and sift through it for awhile....I actually found some I really liked. I forgot how much I loved writing poetry. So anyways, I thought I'd take a few and post them on here for no particular reason. These ones just kinda stuck out to me as pretty decent or easy to connect with right now. Don't read into them too much everyone....I know how analytical some of you sneaky fellow grad students are. I tend to write poetry during emotional extremes, and I am quite obviously a huge emo....I think that's pretty evident here. Enjoy my dark side :)
Light of Rebirth in Springtime
with traces of its roots
missing it clings to life
exposed to the harsh
elements no one knows
what will come of it.
interweaved with the
frigid metal it struggles
to stay alive blowing
about in the wind
no one tends to it.
bare of flowers
it starts to lose
strength crinkled brown
leaves are all that remain
no one cares if
it survives.
Life throws at us things worth fighting for and
Spring Breeds New Beginnings.
A Lenten Prayer
A recent heart and dagger
with the inhabitants of my crooked head
exposed the enemy's undeniable knack
for leading me astray.
My greatest weakness is their perfected skill,
crafted to welcome my somewhat lyrical demise.
Lies caked with evil
are whispered quietly on continuous loop.
Eager ears cling to the demonic absolution
weighing down my cranium with
uncounterable self-destructing thoughts.
Lucifer's minions fester and take root
gnawing through the soul strings of my maker.
The sufferings rationale will come in perfected timing,
cornered, I must fixate my heart upon my maker's voice
