Four days and Counting

That's right folks, I leave for England in just under 4 days and arrive in England in 5. How very exciting! I have not been in 1 1/3 years. Which is far too long! I fly out of CR and and keeping my fingers crossed that I have no delays in route. I fly out at 5:30 pm, transfer in Detroit with a 1.5 hr layover, and then transfer again in Amsterdam (5 hr layover!) before reaching Birmingham. From there Alex and his dad will pick me up and we shall drive to Willenhall and the Kubara Household. I am there for 2.5 weeks before returning to CR for a few days and then back to WI for school to start back up.

The weather for my flight looks good so far, with partially cloudy skies, low change of precipitation, and warm weather. Hopefully that will keep me on track so I can arrive on time. 

Not quite sure what in the heck I will do in Amsterdam for 5 hours. I believe that may be where I have to go through some form of customs and possibly transfer my luggage over, altho last time I did not have to touch my luggage when flying through Amsterdam. Luckily, I have 2 small book which I intend on bringing over to read on the flights and then when Alex is working on the little bit of homework he may have during my visit. My guess is that I will finish my first one while in Amsterdam. 

I don't even know what else to say at this point. I am just so excited and about 5 seconds from carrying on and on about how anxious and excited I am for the trip.....I am going to refrain because I feel like I do far too much blabbering about Alex and surrounding excitement for various reasons. I am going to try and update a bit while I am there, we will see how it goes. It depends on how much free time I have when I am in England. I will for sure write something quick when I arrive and then when I return to the states....no promises of anything else can be made.

Hello break, it is nice to meet you.

So. I am finally on my break from school. After 1 year in gradschool I think I have earned it! School has been great and all, but I was starting to get burnt out on class, class, class. I have been back home for a few days now and have done practically nothing. It has been wonderful for sure. I head back to Menomonie in the AM so that I can work the 4pm - midnight shift both tomorrow and Thursday. Then back here on Friday morning. And to and from Indiana Saturday and Sunday. SO MUCH DRIVING AHEAD! ick ick ick. But I will deal. I figure that I cannot complain too much since I am getting such a nice break. 

I have to say that also, since being on break, my amazing boyfriend has told me so many wonderfully happy things. Firstly, he has told me that he is making me something for my birthday. I am very surprised that he is taking the time to make me something. He has not made me anything in a very long time. When we met we used to make things for one another all the time during art at camp. After camp we would write letters back and forth and occasionally send homemade gifts. More me than him on the gifts, but that is just because I am crafty. Case in point - last Christmas I hand stitched him a star wars stuffed animal. He will not tell me what it is, but I do know that he has spent a lot of time constructing and painting it....and also that it required parts that were shipped to his house. I will keep everyone posted on what it is :)

Secondly, he has told me that he is taking me somewhere for my birthday to do something. He has said that I need to bring something warm to wear, so I assume that it is partially outside. It will be the first time that we are together on my birthday and the fact that he has taken to time to arrange something for just the two of us to do means a lot to me. I am sure it will be perfect. Probably one of my top birthdays ever. I look forward to it.

Thirdly, Alex has told me that he is prepared and intent on moving here after he graduates! This is HUGE news! We have chatted about it for a long time, but he has finally stated it on his own that he is intent on moving here when he's done with school....This means it is only a year and a half until he is here with me for good!!!! Of course we have not worked out all the details yet, but I am not going to plan it out....we have been apart for so long and clearly have never gotten it worked out in the past the way we planned, so I am not about to mess it up this time.

Fourthly, Alex informed me tonight that he is not going back to camp, but is instead planning on spending 3 weeks over the summer with me in Menomonie!!! AND while he is here, he said that he intends on looking into jobs! I am going to scope out where we might move and perhaps we will take a short trip or something. At the very least we will have some in depth discussions on where we want to move so we can start weighing all of our options for the beginning of our life together.

Oh my, what wonderful news, right?! I am just so happy. He pleases me with all of this news so very very much! I am going to have to bring him something nice with me to England to thank him for all of this wonderful news. It will most likely be in the form of an old school emo ridden letter. He will be pleased I am sure. 

**sigh** I am so content, happy, lucky, and in love. How exciting.

Well I guess that got way off track. oops!

What else fun is on the list for my break, you ask? Well.....I have lunch/dinner/something with Troy, a get together with Chris, a few get togethers with Brynn and Sara, HSM marathon with Sam, our family Christmas stuff, seeing grandma, more Creepy Christmas Photos, and perhaps some going out.......AND ENGLAND!

Tattoo Talk

So, typically I get tattoos when something major happens in my life. That being said, I intend on getting one when I graduate. It will be a big accomplishment that I am proud of, the end of a chapter in my life, the start of new beginnings.....and I have a spot thats annoyingly blank on my back. I can honestly say for the first time that this next tattoo will be my last. I am 90% sure of that. Seeing as though I have a year left of graduate school, I need to start putting together ideas for what I want to get. Yes, I need to start planning a year in advance! It is something that will be on my body forever - it needs to be good!

A few ideas have swirled around in my head. I definitely want something that reflects mental health and what I have learned during the course of my graduate school experience. I do not like anything that I can find as far a symbols I could incorporate that are mental health related.

At the moment, what I am considaring is something related to To Write Love On Her Arms. I am not wanting to just get TWLOHA or a quote. I am wanting a picture, not that a quote couldn't be a part of it....if it was one that sticks with me.

The best related idea so far is to have the words "Stop the Bleeding. Rescue is Possible" written on a razor blade. The cut out part of the blade would be the abbreviation TWLOHA.

I know it sounds....emo. But thats me, right? And it would not be graphic, but I think it would get a point across. It would be supporting the cause, something I have become very involved with particularly since moving to Wisconsin. Also, I am very passionate about my crisis work and want to make a career out of counseling individuals whom self harm.

I am considering sketching something up to see how it would actually look.

Who knows. The idea will probably change before the time roles around anyways. This is why I start the process now.

England Bound...Again!

So for those of you that have not heard of my excitement yet, I am on my way to England in exactly one month! I am relieved to have a flight booked and have something to look forward to in the near future. It is not that I am not enjoying my program, I just need a break. I have been at this for a year now with no breaks and taking 15-16 credits plus working at the call center. I think I have earned one! lol. It will be so very nice to get away from everything completely and spend time with everyone that I miss so much over in England.

I am pleased that I will still get to see the family over break as well as see my 6-pack girls. It will be wonderful to be back in Iowa to hangout and relax a bit and just catch up with sooooo many people I haven't seen in so very long.

And then I will get to spend my birthday in England as well! Alex and I have never been together on by birthday so I am most pleased about that. I am curious as to what he has planned because he will not tell me. It will be nice to have a surprise cuz I usually end up getting things out of him. Its awful of me, I know. But in my defense, he knows that I will want to know and then tells me theres a surprise coming or asks me some odd questions but wont tell me why. They are big tip offs.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that everyone won't make a huge deal of my birthday. I know it won't happen since I have know these people for several years and haven't shared a real holiday with them ever (cet for 4th of July, which doesn't count to them). So celebrating my birthday will be fun with everyone. I am going to be a good sport about it, even tho I don't wish to be fussed over.

Ideally, just Alex and I would do something on my actual birthday. Then on another night we would go out and celebrate with everyone else. BUT that prlly won't happen. We shall see. I believe the surprise bit only involves the two of us. I can accept that :)

The only possible setback in this whole thing is if the weather us bad and things get delayed. I do not want that happening, eww! My fingers will remain crossed that this does not happen. It's also be nice if the plane wasn't broken....that happened to me on the way back last time. It was kinda a mess, but we didn't leave the ground til it was fixed.

What Lies Ahead

This is the conclusion to the paper I am writing about my personal and professional growth since starting the program. Even tho I have excluded the 12 or so pages in between, you get the point as to what its about.....I think this ending makes up enough for the beginning, yes? I guess we shall see. Enjoy!

Since moving to Wisconsin I have continued down my path of self-discovery and self-improvement, pushing myself in the areas of personal, professional, and spiritual growth. The program has helped enhance and reassure my ability to become a more complete and centered individual. I am confident that I will be able to continue this in a healthy way post graduation.

With my graduate school experience nearly half completed, I can feel myself begin to get anxious over what my future holds. I know that because of the education I am getting at Stout, I will graduate a competent and professional mental health counselor. It is because of this educational experience that I have realized my calling in life and been able to access the means in which to explore that calling. I try to frame every day as an opportunity to learn more about myself and the ways in which I am personally capable of helping others achieve their own meaningful life.

I acknowledge the vast amount of knowledge I have to acquire before I will be fully prepared to set foot in the professional world of counseling. I know that the remainder of my coursework and internship experience will provide me with this knowledge. I intend on absorbing as much as possible so that I can continue to develop my sense of professionalism and personal counseling style.

Overall, I believe that my future is bright and will lead to fulfilling opportunities in which I help others make a difference within their lives. I see myself pursuing a career in crisis intervention and counseling for individuals whom engage in self-injurious behavior and those with suicidal ideation. I see myself doing this in a residential setting for adolescents and young adults. Before I make it to that point in my career, I have no doubt that I will continue to have amazing opportunities because of the education and experiences I have acquired during my time at Stout. I feel extremely blessed and appreciative to have this rich opportunity.

Running List of Things That Creep Me Out

• the bunny from Donnie Darko (I am actually terrified of it and the movie)
• antique baby dolls
• clothing in antique stores
• animatronics
• people sitting alone in parked cars at night
• tape worms (particularly in jars)
  
• lice
• the Burger King King
• when dogs make the sound like they are going to puke
• people who hand out fliers to support a cause that include disturbing photos (I'm thinking abortion and animal cruelty)
• Timothy Spall
• Gary Busey
• Charles Manson
• Marylin Manson
• the show Unsolved Mysteries (particularly the host, but only in that show)
• black and white cartoons from my childhood
• Ron Popeil
• The Juiceman Juicer man's eyebrows
• the movie Secrets of Nim
• people who knowingly buy things that someone has died on/in
• earwigs
• wolf spiders
• dead bug collections
• walls covered in shag carpet
• the potential the US government has to hide things from and spy on the public
• the majority of mothers who force their children into pageantry
• cannibalism

Into the Depths of a Graduate Student's Mind: Inquiry into Personal Growth and Professional Change

So that is the name of my 10-15 page required paper for Orientation to Mental Health Counseling about professional and personal change since beginning graduate school. There are 9 suggested "theme prompts" - questions we are more or less required to answer. The instructions were a page long and went on about how we are going through a huge growth period and the purpose of the assignment is to provoke thought about that growth and document it for later reading enjoyment.

I personally like the idea of the assignment, just not the thought that professors are forcing people to get insight. I feel like a lot of people will do it the week of and then submit 10.5 pages of B.S. that resembles little truth. I felt like to force all the questions into my paper would make it incongruent and inauthentic....something we are supposed to strive towards as further counselors....

so i took a bit of a risk and disregarded the questions. I am not done writing it yet, but I am a good 8 pages in. I have probably answered 4 questions thus far, some in more detail than others. I'm not really sure how this will pan out, grade wise....but I decided that I do not care. I prefer to give an accurate depiction of my experience with growth than force something that the professors want to hear. If the ultimate goal of the assignment is to document the growth process so I may reflect upon it later then that is what I am going to do.....I have decided to drop the preface in here for those whom are curious as to how my paper feels...keep in mind that I haven't even read over it yet for errors.....there are probably lots!

ENJOY :

By nature I would describe myself has a receptive and reflective individual. I am an adamant supporter of the expressive arts. For me, they provide simultaneous self-expression and internal processing. My personal history caused me to start a mission of self-evaluation and growth in an attempt to lead a meaningful life of my own. This has been an ongoing process for me since late 2005. I continue to attribute much of my insight and growth to the expressive arts, even since beginning graduate school.

When reading through the provided theme prompts, I found myself wondering how I could most accurately describe my growth process since being in graduate school and answer the questions at the same time. After a period of contemplation and multiple rough drafts, I decided that I couldn’t. Insight about recent growth does not happen genuinely if it is forced into paper format. Arguably, it is not true insight if it is forcibly regurgitated based upon predetermined questions for a class assignment. It’s true; one of the things we are taught in the program is that insight can be coached. Often times as counselors we must lead the client through their own thoughts, hoping that the insight we discretely dangle in front of them is uncovered. But even then we take things at the client’s pace, trying not to push it upon them too soon to be appropriately handled.

I am reminded of the saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. Meaning: there is only so much we can to do in an attempt to bring forth the coveted, pivotal “ah ha” moment where the client’s brain almost audibly clicks into gear. If a client is resistant then the therapeutic reliance is examined and alternate treatment avenues may be explored. I am not inferring that I am a likened to a resistant client; I am merely exploring an alternate route to the assignment.

My conceptualization of the paper was to narrate my graduate school experience with the focal point being my personal and professional development. Since it is in my nature to take periodic risks, I have chosen to ignore the theme prompts and go with my gut reaction to depict accuracy over suggested content. I feel as though the outcome will be comparable, perhaps achieving increased self satisfaction and reader enjoyment.

Tick Tock on the Clock

Sometimes I get so anxious for what lies ahead of me. I just feel like I cannot wait to be somewhere other than where I am. I have a lot going for me right now, but it is mostly buisiness and the 'fun' that I have is not really that fantastic. I have a great time and am glad I have done it, but it sometimes does not feel like the ultimate fun that I would have when I was around people I relate better to or in an area that caters more to my interests. Wisconsin just really is not for me. I like it here - its pretty and my program is wonderful. Everyone is nice and I truly am enjoying the learning process that is grad school.....but it is not the same as what I would want. It is not that same as the enjoyment I would have somewhere that I belonged to. Somewhere a bit warmer, with lots of stuff to do. Artzy things, shows, theater, random community events that are corny but fun.....there really isn't much of that to do here at all. There is in the cites, but I am far removed from the cities and have no idea what is going on there. I am not big into night life and drinking and going out...if you do not do outdoorzy sports or drink then there just is not much to do around here.

I do lots of self care stuff on my own. And that is great and I really enjoy it....not so much the same thing as going out with people you really enjoy being around and doing something you love at the same time. Its just the same old thing here. I've only been here a year and I am already bored of it....

But when I am being honest with myself, I think it is partially me just not being patient. I want what lies ahead of me. I can see it and it is getting closer. I have no set plan (for once) and I do not know for sure what lies ahead....but I know that it is something that fits my lifestyle better than this. I know it will be in a location where I can access all of the things I enjoy - a big city, or at least very close to one. I know it will involve working full-time in a field that I love. I know Alex will be here finally. I just know that it will be better, more fitting.

The problem with me is that it drives me crazy when I see what I want but cannot work towards making it happen. I suppose I am working towards some of it now by being in school.....but I can't really rush most of it. It is all something that will eventually fall into place on its own when the time is right. but I want that time to be now. So badly that I get bored with where I am at. I also think that the fact that I am so bogged down with things to get done all of the time that it makes it more difficult to go seek out the stuff I want to do. When I have free time then I am tired. And I know there is more things that need to be done. There always is. Which also prevents me from planning ahead a lot of the time. Specially things to do by myself. And when I ask others, it never seems to happen. People just aren't motivated enough to stick to a plan I guess. I get it, but it is still lame.

I just keep telling myself that in one more year I can be actually facing some of that happening. Well, at least getting closer to happening. Then all of this waiting will be worth it.

Oh waiting. Story of my life.

I swear, 'one day' has to come around eventually.....and it keeps creeping closer. I just wish there was a reel I could turn to bring it about sooner rather than later.

Some Clarification

Don't know how many times it needs to be stressed within my blog - I am fine. People really, truly do not need to be worrying about me based on the contents of this blog. I use it as pretty much a live journal that anyone can read. I do not think what I am writing about is in need of any concern or attention. Most of what I write is in the moment and based on the inner-working dialogue that constantly is in the back of my mind. Sometimes, as is the case of my last blog, I write when I am in an exaggerated, artistic frame of mind that is not to be taken as my literal thoughts. Other times I am writing to keep others updated on whats been going on....most of the time it is a mix of both - thats my preferred writing style. I think I attribute it to my....alternative way of thinking. I am not trying to say that I am uniquely misunderstood or innately different. I just think that I am not a mainstream thinker all of the time. I guess my purpose of writing this entry is just to emphasize that I am a healthy, balanced individual whom just enjoys relieving some steam in emotionally charged and exaggerated ways. This blog is just one of those ways. I am not going to sensor what I write in here. If you find yourself reading this and becoming concerned about me then perhaps you are looking too much into this (as I have often pointed out that readers should not do). I suggest in such a case that you remind yourself that I am a mental health counseling student and am well aware of healthy coping strategies and my own level of well-being. I promise that I take good care of myself. So take a breath and think again about how together you know me to be in real life. In the event that I am not ok, I promise I will seek help in whatever way I deem appropriate and most beneficial for myself. I am not perfect, but I do practice what my profession preaches.

The Feeling of Feeling Down

I am an emotional creature.

It is interesting to me that I write this blog as I am in such high spirits. I am not far removed from the struggle of this past week and yet something in me has settled, plopping me into positive affect. I haven't a clue how this happened, but it has. The reason does not matter, nor is it the interesting part. Even I find it peculiar that I would reflect upon 'feeling down', and even show preference of it to a certain extent, when not actually enthralled in the world of emotion that I know so well.

I am an emo. Mascaraed eyes painted in tears that are wiped clean with thumb-holed sleeves.

This is what I am at heart. I adore the mess that stares back at me in the mirror - all smudged with black and red eyed. After a good cry I always look at myself and smile on the inside. It is when I feel beautiful. Alive. Meaningful. Artistic.

And I love it.
Crave it even.

Powerless. Lonely. Lost. Insecure.
These feel like home.

It reminds me to cherish the good and that everything bad I go through has meaning. It gives me the strength and motivation to be independent and dig myself out of the downfall.

That's what life is about, it's it? Making your way through the burning rubble so you can take the sigh of relief that you are still alive....then you cross the bridge in awe of the majestic scenery that lies ahead while never forgetting the scars that linger with you.

The sick, twisted thing is that I enjoy that suffering. It feels horrid yet favorable. I actually kick myself later if I did not spend time completely engulfed in the emotion. Allowing myself to feel the emotion and suffering seeping from me has an almost exhilarating quality to it.

Do not get me wrong. I enjoy the feeling of happiness - with its carefree nature and sense of confidence. It is good to be in that state. The down side of happiness is that people take it for granted. They forget to feel it. It is like they get used to it, it is felt with less potency, and then it fades into the background, continuing to be in an unnoticed fashion.

But feeling down. Really down. People do not stop experiencing that. They dwell on it and let it fully consume their entire world. The misery is lived, but not appreciated by most. I can appreciate it. It makes the good better and more worthwhile. After time, you start to actually enjoy the misery.

Me, I live for it.....and it makes love, true love, simply indescribable.

And true love is something you have no other choice but to cherish.

I definitely cherish someone.

my recommendation: live for the feeling of feeling down

Help Support Me!

I am trying to raise money so I can start my training for being an online crisis worker.....I will be part of the founding volunteers for the first ever viral crisis network! Very exciting stuff. Please help spread the word so I can raise the money and start saving lives. If you can't donate then that's fine; I would appreciate your thought and prayers just as much, if not more! Check it out here:


https://www.preventsuicide.us/99club/personal_pages.php?ppid=285

Thank you so much everyone!

So much for writing every week!

I don't really have much to say. School is going well, altho my 16 credits are stressful, and work has been pretty good. Alex's birthday is tomorrow and I can't be there AND his gift is not getting there on time. lame. Have finally received my school loans so I can afford things again. Somehow it was not as much as I expected so I have yet to buy a plane ticket for England. I am hoping to figure out soon if I can afford a trip in January and be there for my birthday. It would be the first time we were together for my birthday. Exciting stuff. I miss England so very very much and want to go back badly. It has almost been a year since I was there! hard to believe, but true.

Internship - still have not found one. I am working on it. Hopefully I will get something worked out very soon.

Sam visited last weekend. That was a very good time. I needed the break and I think she needed to get away. We did sisterly fun autumn activities like a pumpkin patch/cornmaze. A fun time was had. She even found a Halloween costume that she wanted. They were out of her size so she waited until she was back in Iowa. Turns out it was far too short for her liking and she returned it. sad. She did, however, get a sweet Halloween sweater and wore it while she was here. It got us a free train ride at the pumpkin patch. Clearly already worth the $6 investment in her future as a teacher. We also did some shopping at Mall of America. I must admit that it is nice to be so close to a big mall. I did not have the funds to buy much....but Sam convinced me into a sweater that I liked. I am a sucker for a sweater.

My grandma and Sarah both had surgery this week. Both procedures went well. That was a fun thing to add stress to my week for 3 exams, one presentation, and a paper due Monday. Ahhh the joys of being back in school.

I am currently in Group Therapy class....hate it. I have to partake in a group. Mine is only 4 people big and I have to come 45 minutes late due to having another class before it. Its a bit awkward and we all know that I am not fond of sharing with strangers I have no intention on knowing after the class....I am tolerating it. It isn't horrible. It isn't any form of 'good' either.

Been having lots of daydreams about post grad school. Its been very nice. I would take time to explain all of them, but my shift at work is over and I should be getting everything tied up for the night.

So there is a short update. Better entries to come soon. I promise :)

Calling All Emos

"no one will love what you love to defend" - Everything Starts Where It Ends (by Lovedrug)

"as many times as I blink I'll think of you tonight" - Vanilla Twilight (by Owl City)

"and I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said" - Come On Get Higher (by Matt Nathanson)

"if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" - Chasing Cars (by Snow Patrol)

"a look. a laugh. a smile. a second passes by and I regret it. Words just aren't right. Sometimes I just can't explain all the ways you devastate me. Always on my mind. " - Tension and Terror (by Straylight Run)

"your silence haunts me but still I hunger for you" - My Curse (by Killswitch Engage)

"hypothetically, if you were point "a", and theoretically, if you were point "b", we would be, we would be frantically melting into one massive point that could overcome anything" - Teleport A and B (by Spill Canvas)

"my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. so won't you kill me, so I die happy?" - Hands Down (by Dashboard Confessional)

"so when you say forever, can't you see that you have already captured me?" - The Sun And The Moon (by Mae)

the novel of life, post-Alex

i am on day 4 of being without Alex and can only now bring myself to write about what i am feeling and going through. not that it is something anyone else even cares to read about. its going to be a depressing one. brace yourself.

he left on wed morning. i dropped him at the airport around 9. i was really good about not being a hugely sad panda before the day he left. i stayed very positive and focused on enjoying the last little bit i had with him. on wed i coundnt really do it anymore. i didnt cry until we got to the airport, but i was pretty quiet. Alex said it was the most quiet car ride he has ever had with me. i didnt mean it to be that way, i was just trying not to cry the whole time. i was able to get it together, for him, and make some conversation and focus on him til we got to the car park. it was all downhill from there.

he didnt cry. i did. i think he was being strong for me. i always cry harder when he cries

i am pretty sure he started crying once i turned to walk away because he usually watches me walk away. not this time. but he told me he wouldnt. because it made it easier for him to focus on something else and not cry. altho i cried, i managed to keep it to quiet tears while infront of him. it progressed to an immediate emptiness inside me as soon as i turned to walk away. thinking back on it, i imagine it actually looked quite similar to New Moon when bella clutches her stomach and looks like she is in pain (yeah i know, lame. i twilight comparison). cept i was walking and tears were falling. people were prlly starring.

i am usually a pretty observant person, but i cannot really remember seeing many people cry in airports in the past. which strikes me as odd. maybe i am just far more emo than i thought.

walking to my car was all in slow motion. i saw people watching me as i hugged my stomach and starred blankly ahead of me, slowing walking to my car. as soon as i was within my car the tears really fell.

i sobbed.

all slouched over in the drivers seat. i looked at my clock 20 minutes later, still sobbing, and forced myself to stop. i attempted to fix my eye makeup in the mirror that was not smeared all down my face. i wish i would have had a camera. i looked a mess, but it was honest, pure sadness. and it was beautiful, i even thought so while i was in the moment. i think it was just my artistic side clashing with my emotion at the moment.

i knew enough to pack kleenex in my purse for the occasion and went to work on my eyes. as i tried to fix them, my eyes began to fill up once again and I struggled to force them away. eventually i was able to smudge some eyeliner back on and proceeded to the exit......the sun stung my eyes, making them water. or perhaps bringing forth more on-the-verge tears. i cant really be sure. i slammed my sunglasses angerly on my face, partially in annoyance that i had just fixed my eyes and partially in anger that i couldnt control my own tear ducts, and wound my car around the car park until i found the pay booth. i already knew how much it would be and grabbed $5 out of my purse. i handed it to the lady and she told me to have a good day. it made me want to scream in anger and pain, but i mumbled a thanks and drove to mall of america (MOA).

by the time i got to the MOA my eyes were smudged from tears once again. it wasnt a full on sob, it was a manageable cry that i could still drive during. i fixed them once again, focusing extra hard on getting my eyes dry so the makeup would stick. i dont know why i bother with makeup on days that he leaves. i know i am going to cry it off anyways. i guess it is just my attempt to look halfway human when he leaves. i parked at MOA in the same section I always do - Indiana, section C. not many cars were there yet, but then again it was before 10 am on a wed. it actually took me until i got inside to realize that the mall hadnt opened yet. i mindlessly walked around the mall until it opened. turns out i was over 30 minutes early. not quite sure how i managed that. i intended on scoping out the stores i wanted to go to, but i ended up just starring and walking, allowing myself to feel nothing but the cold air conditioning on my skin. I guess i had expected it to be hot that day, but if course it was too early and i was inside a mall so it was very cold.

i eventually returned to my car and grabbed my kill hannah sweatshirt. something that was less than appropriate with my peach silk shirt and pleated skirt. i zipped it up all the way and returned to the mall. i shopped around for a few hours. picked out a pair of tweed dress pants and 3 blazers which were on sale. all things my wardrobe needed, at least that is what i told myself.

i was probably more rude to store workers than i intended. it made me cringe every time i entered a store and someone cheerfully greeted me and asked me how my day was.....it was almost as if they thought they could change my mood by denying my obviously somber mood existed. they were just doing their jobs, and i tried to fake it; but i know i was far from convincing. i couldnt get a smile out, nor a happy sounding voice.

one girl was overly rude to me. i was the only shopper in her particular store and she loudly bounced over to me and nearly shouted in my face "hi! how are you doing today?" then looked at her fellow workers and stifled a giggle. i looked straight in her eyes,i am 100% sure they were relatively piercing, and said "shitty". she countered back without missing a beat "well i sure am happy to see you this morning, arent you happy to see me?". i didnt respond, i started to make my way towards the door. she half skipped over to the other workers who were putting clothing on hangers and started talking, still loudly, about what her next (and i swear she called it this) line would be to attack costumers with....then they all began laughing and talking about all of the odd things they could "shock" costumers by greeting them with.

after that, i couldnt stomach shopping any longer and drove home. with the radio off. not sure why i did that to myself, it only made me think of Alex. a few tears fell as i drove past the airport exits and saw planes flying overhead.

i think after that is when the numbness really set in.

i got home and my door was open, being painted. i had forgotten that i received a note on my door from the night before saying they would be painting my door today. morris had been locked in my bedroom all day. i knew i should go visit him. i checked on him and made sure everything in my apartment was in order. it was. i dropped my shopping bags off and then left again to run errands.

i came back once and picked up morris, took him to the park. i was desperately trying to distract myself. the rest of the day was alternating me feeling nothing, being completely numb, and crying from the pain of the (yes, im going to reference New Moon again. i cant help that Stephanie Myer got some stuff right) hole in my chest. that pretty much describes where i am still at. the crying has lessened and the numbness has taken over most of the time. i still feel the hole, but i refuse to allow it to make me cry....most of the time it works.

i dont think i have ever felt this numb before....well i have, but not over Alex, and just in general not in a really long time. i worry at the back of my mind that i will accidentally allow the numbness to completely take over and get settled into the numb. luckily school starts up again soon so i will be forced into social situations and seeing everyone again. i was excited about that, until the numbness came. now i dont care. i want to see everyone, but right now i know i would be useless because i am not sure how much faking i can do. oddly enough, the faking has been pretty easy at work. i didnt think it would come back so easily. but it has. i can def tell the difference, and catch myself being completely fake. but i dont think people at work know me well enough to tell the difference. hey, maybe by the time school starts i will be even more convincing.....thats a horrible thing for me to think. i guess i am struggling with this numbness more than i thought. but i have plans on monday so hopefully that will help get me back on track and ease into being myself again. whatever that is supposed to mean.

i guess that is just where i am at right now. like i said, not quite sure why i havent reacted like this in the past. i think it must have something to do with the fact that 10.5 months is a freaking long time, the longest we will have been apart. you can imagine how much i hate the idea. but we will get past it. hopefully we will work out something to break that 10.5 months to something more manageable. either way i will eventually return to my "normal" state of being without him. and either way we will make it past this and see one other eventually. i know that at the back of my mind and it is what keeps me going and assures me that everything will be ok......

the only other thing that bothers me is that i havent spoken to Alex since he got back. he said he would call me and i know that was his intentions. my bet is that he slept right after getting back and then all of his friends got there early. i know everyone was excited to see him and were coming over the day he got back to help him get ready for their trip this weekend. i very much look forward to him getting back home tomorrow and calling me. it will be nice to hear his voice. i also look forward to him getting a phone once his parents get back from holiday. then things will get settled back into our normal away routine and i will feel even more assured.

friggin all i have left to say is that someone needs to make a movie of our life...and NO that stupid movie with Drew Barrymore, Going the Distance (?), something like that...def not anything like what Alex and I go through. i know it already. and I know because I dislike Drew Barrymore. ha. i will prlly still see it when it comes to redbox so that i can criticize it to pieces. cuz its just a movie and it will make me feel better. it prlly will get some things right, but it cant describe everything i go through. no way in hell...so yeah, once Alex and I are together together, and once he settles in the US with citizenship and everything, someone should make a movie of our life. because it would be a very emotional one....with a happy ending, no matter what!

.....gosh i am so freaking emo.....

Bliss

So I haven't written in a month. It has been very busy. The whole summer has actually flown by. I got to spend way more time in Iowa with Alex than expected. It was fantastic. And he spent 10 days with Me between the end of camp and him leaving for home. Obviously it was fantastic. Here is what happened......figured I'd write a good one before I got to the post-Alex misery. lol

The first weekend we spent with my family in Iowa. He did his thing on the last night with camp people. I was kinda annoyed with him to be honest over some miscommunications and a few people who were...less than kind to me....out at camp. The night ended up with me picking him up from camp at 10 pm and going with him to a local bar for karaoke and drinks. I did not drink, he had a few, and I stood there talking to few people sine it was all camp people and me. Several people proceeded to ignore me, which was a bit uncomfortable, but others were nice. I was pretty quiet as a result and we only stayed for 2 hours.

The rest of the weekend we went fishing at the barn with my parents, my younger sister and her boyfriend, and my older sister and her family. It was a really good time, much like the one at the beginning of the summer. On the sunday we returned to the barn and took family pictures, some of which can be seen on facebook. We all actually took some really good ones and I think everyone was pleased. Afterwards we went to Coldstone....all in our matching black shirts. It was kinda amusing because someone actually asked Alex and I why we were all wearing black. I thought about telling them we were in a cult, but told the truth instead. go me i spose.

Alex and I eventually made it back to Menomonie with Morris. The drive went a lot better than expected. Not much traffic, good weather, and Morris settled in pretty quickly (he hates car rides). The next week and a few days went by really fast. To be honest, we did not do much of anything. But it was amazing. We slept in, lazed about, cuddled all day to movies, saw 2 movies in the theatre, and cooked dinner together every night. We went shopping a few days and only allowed ourselves to eat out twice. It may sound boring to some, but it was perfect for us. We are much more content cuddling than doing anything else. It is kinda interesting because we both notice other couples when we are out and about in our respective countries, and wish we could be together doing things like every other couple. We miss out on all the activities other couples get to do.....and then when he is here we would much rather hang out alone and just be together than go do things. Don't get me wrong - we very much enjoy activities together, but doing nothing is so much more appealing when our time is limited.

The only other thing of note that we actually chose to go out and do was a renaissance festival that was about 1.5 hrs away, in Minnesota. We attempted to go to bed early the night before so we could get up at the crack of dawn and make it there just as it opened for the day, but we ended up being so excited that we couldn't sleep....and we laid in bed for hours talking and singing songs from movies and boy bands...yes you read that right. My neighbors probably hate me cuz we did that several days in a row after that. Not that we sang loud, but my bed is against the wall of my neighbors bedroom and there was lots of laughing soooo we potentially kept them up. oops :P

The festival ended up being so much fun! Not that I expected anything less. Some people think that kind of thing is odd but we both love it. It was a permanent place that does events all year round. It was made of 3 villages with permanent structures...including several stages, a pirate ship, and a castle! I have never been to one where so many people that do not work there are dressed up! It was way fun cuz you could not tell alot of the "cast" from the visitors! And a lot of people attempted fake accents, that were horrid and we secretly giggled at. We did meet a few actual foreigners that enjoyed speaking to Alex, got to see a big tortoise pull a cart, a guy juggle flaming things while a flaming spinner thing was on his head AND he was walking on a burning tightrope, watched all kinds of joists and fencing, played some games (by that I mean Alex shot a crossbow and threw both axes and throwing stars!), pet animals, walked through the cutest and most romantic "enchanted forest" full of fairy houses (it even had this little grove with a waterfall and people dressed up like fairies playing instruments and singing on the rocks....it was beautiful), and did lots of shopping. There was things to look at everywhere and everyone was very nice. Alex bought some stuff for himself and a few of his friends....plus he bought me a flower (that ironically lasted until the morning after he left) AND a really cool pulled metal ring that I absolutely love. I also got to try mead for the first time. Alex told me to get the plain kinds cuz it would be better. It was pretty good, not something I could drink more than one glass of tho. Alex said in England it is thicker, more like a honey consistency, and has a higher alcohol content. According to him, its something you can't drink much of, but that after one glass you are definitely feeling drunk. Can't say one of the tiny glasses we had made me intoxicated, but it was fun to try. Very very sweet. Kinda like drinking honey, even tho the one we has was not very viscus.

Luckily I was able to give all of my shifts away while he was in Menomonie but 2. Of course, those were two days in a row, and I was naturally displeased that I had to go in at all due to the fact that it was at the end of his time here. But, because Alex is amazing, he did nice things for me while I was gone. The first night I worked I came home to a kiss, a hot bath waiting for me (complete with soothing music and candles EVERYWHERE), an italian dinner, and a clean apartment. Plus, he gave me a back rub before bed. It was amazing. The table was all decorated and we had wine. The food was yummy and Alex could not have done anything nicer. The second night he upped the food and made me the best mashed potatoes I have ever had (cheesy garlic ones), asparagus, and delicious grilled spicy chicken. We watched a movie that night and I got a back rub again. It was all so very very nice of him.

Overall, the time together was perfect, too short, but perfect. We had a great time and I ate up every moment of it.

My 5 Conclusions

Pretty sure most of the very few people that actually consistently check this bad boy are on fb and probably see my status updates....well this post corresponds with my current status. enjoy. It gets deep.

I have been doing a lot of reflection lately. Its been a good thing overall. Particularly because I have been very good about not over thinking, and as a result, not worrying about things. I am so much better at that then I used to be. GO ME! Anyways, all of that reflection boiled down to 5 conclusions. Although I already knew all of these for the most part, I reflected pretty deeply about them and thought it would be something mildly interested to blog....I guess?

(1) I have a really good life...I am surrounded by (mostly) people that support and love me unconditionally - that would do quite a lot for me, if I needed anything at all, at the drop of a hat. I have a meaningful job that I enjoy 98% of the time. I have a more than adequate apartment that (with the help of school loans mind you) I can afford. I have a roomie that has very few bad habits and does not complain, if you don't count meowing for attention as complaining. I have an amazing boyfriend (Oh worry not everyone, that one will be expanded on later). I am privileged enough to be a part of an amazing graduate program that will enable me with the tools I need to do what I want in life. I am relatively healthy (ok so I do actually have a lot of things 'wrong' with me medically - chronic backpain/scoliosis/spondylolisthesis, my whole stomach thing, rayaud's disease, and I am probably anemic - but nothing that is deadly or anything that I can't manage). I do not suffer from mental illness, have a severe physical disability, deal with persistent discrimination, or have been drastically effected by natural disaster within my lifetime. All of my 'problems' are relatively short term, do not drastically effect my life or future, and can be solved through resources that I easily have access to.

This, of course, lead me to think about how amazingly lucky and blessed I am. It made me feel thankful, grateful, privileged, and even a little spoiled, embarrassed, and generally unworthy of everything that I have, due to my tendency to sometimes make a bigger deal out of my 'problems' than I really need to. It made me think about all of the little things that I sometimes let get to me or that I take for granted in times of stress. It is so easy to lose perspective over that sort of thing. Especially in the fast paced, high stimulated society we live in...Writing it down makes me ponder it even more. I won't go into examples - we are still on number one and I don't wanna lose my audience just yet.

(2) I need to learn patience for what "the future" holds.....I am a pretty patient person when it comes to others. I will admit that I do lose my patience sometimes with my family, but I think everyone has those people that tend to push more buttons than everyone else they come in contact with frequently. When it comes to being patience with myself, well, thats an area I struggle with sometimes. I have the type of personality where once I know what I go for it. It is connected to the planning that I have talked about in previous posts. When I make up my mind I want to start making whatever I have decided happen. It is not that I have to have it 'now', but I feel the need to be working towards it in some way. I suppose it has to do with me being able to control, in even a tiny way, what is happening in my life. If I am working towards something than there is a greater likelihood that it will happen in the future. I have a tendency to get impatient with waiting for the 'big stuff' in the future. It is not that I am unsatisfied with what I currently have, I just know that the 'big stuff' in the future will be even better. And I am more than willing to work for it.

I definitely believe that things happen for a reason, that God has plans for everyones lives, that what is meant to be will be, and what will be is what is supposed to be. I guess sometimes I just lose my perspective on that as well. The big things will come, I know that deep down. But when I cannot work towards something, when it is completely out of my hands, it drives me crazy....Even if I know it will either happen eventually or that God has different/better plans for my life.

(3) I need to go easier on myself when it comes to areas of personal growth....This is something that I actively work on within my life. It is one of the things I have improved on over the past few years, and significantly since starting graduate school (that was a bit of a wake-up call for this area of my life). I started working on personal growth and self discovery roughly 7 years ago. The problem was that I would push myself too hard, to the point where I allowed myself to believe all of the negative things people around me had said in the past and at that time. I pushed myself into believing horrible things about myself that I later realized were far from the truth. I was able to eventually work through all of that and come to a place where I could work on things without pushing myself too hard. I knew my personal limits and how far I could go without reverting back to having those negative thoughts of failure and self-destruction. I have been continually improving myself since then, in a healthy way. It was not until all of the pressure form graduate school that some of that came back temporarily. Not anything near as bad as I was several years ago, mind you, but I had my moments where I was concerned I might be missing some of the signals that a bit of that was creeping back into my life. I have it under control again, I can honestly say that. It did not get out of control, it was just a period of struggle and adjustment.

My reflections made me think about how I am managing that and reminded me that I should be careful and keep myself in check as the fall semester approaches. I have devised ways to periodically check myself and am working hard to implement them into my lifestyle now so that when my stress level increases this fall I have already integrated them into my life and can utilize them effectively.

(4)I am headed down the correct career path, based on my strengths and accumulated knowledge from graduate school and outside research....The further along I get in my graduate education, the more I am learning. Duh. I have only been in this amazing program for one semester and this summer, but I feel as though I have already learned and grown a lot. It is very reassuring to me that, as I learn more, my career choice is confirmed again and again. Most of the time it is little things - something emphasized in the book is something I naturally thought, a choice I would make for a client is confirmed by a professor as appropriate (notice I did not say 'right'. one of the things I have learned is that there is very rarely a 'right' answer because every client is different and it is often more about the relationship you have with the client more than anything else), sometimes its a sentence I have read in a textbook about something I have decided on my own to do with a client, and its frequently a characteristic I feel I possess that is outlined in class or the text.

I also find myself doing a lot of outside research on areas of interest and actually enjoying reading through the research articles! And I am talking to the point where I read the WHOLE thing, even if it requires me to do more research in order to understand some of the data collection and other techniques utilized in the research that I may be unfamiliar with. I spend a lot of time also researching different treatment centers and looking at the programming they have available....I can definitely see myself opening my own inpatient center someday. I have no idea how I will fund that, but it becomes clearer all the time that opening a treatment center is what I need to do.

(5)I am truly willing to give everything and still patiently wait, even if it takes 17 years or a lifetime....this is the one that has to do with Alex. During my drive back to Menomonie this last weekend I thought a lot about him and our relationship. I will spare the gushing portion. We attended a wedding last weekend for a friend from camp. There has been lots of wedding talk lately so of course it made me thing of ours....And I can wait. As long as it takes. Being married is such a small piece of what our lives will be some day. It will not change anything in our relationship. It is just legalizing what we already know. I can wait for that. I know he wants to marry me and I know that we will get married eventually. It honestly does not matter to me when.

He is already giving up everything he knows in order to spend his life with me. That is such a huge deal that not every guy would do for his future wife. He is changing countries and giving up his friends and family just so that he can be with me in a place he has no other connections but to me. Wow. And I get impatient waiting for him to move here. How selfish. I just want so badly to have him here with me all the time that I sometimes forget that he is the one giving everything up for me. He needs to marry me when he is ready. He needs to move here when he is ready. I am so set on him coming here as soon as he is done with school so that he can be with me. It's "the plan". Well, "the plan" is crap. None of them happen and this one won't pan out how we plan anyways. It is absurd to think that we can plan out how the future will unfold. We have no idea where we will end up living, how long it will take for him to get a visa, or what the conditions of the visa he ends up getting will even be. And that doesn't even include working out a job for either of us nor how the heck we will be able to pay for him to move here. How do we know that he will be ready then? He says he is ready now. And I believe him. But we both know the soonest he can be here is after he is done with school. What if when the time gets close he realizes that he isn't quite ready to give everything up just yet? That does not mean he loves me any less, it just means that everything there is important to him too. I know he does not have to give things up completely - he can still talk to people from home and visit. But it isn't the same. He already misses everyone from home now and he has only been here for a few months! No matter how much he loves me it will still be hard for him to do, I do not doubt that. And I respect that. I will never have to give that much up for him. He has given that gift to me. Even though I was ready to give everything up once before, I did not have to. And now I never will have to. Even though I would. I do not think there could ever be a more powerful way to show someone that you love them than that - giving up everything for someone knowing that they would gladly do the same, but also knowing that by doing so the one you love will never have to do the same...I feel like that may not make sense to other people...I just know that the thought of that is such a strong expression of love that I will be spending the rest of my life showing him how appreciative I am for that. Ok, I said I would spare the gushing and here I am gushing. Sorry. Moral of the story is - the most important thing Alex will ever do for me is move here. That is the greatest gift he could ever give. And I do not want to make him rush into it because I know it will happen and I know it will make us both happy for the rest of our lives. So I can wait. And I will wait. And I will do it patiently from now on, for however long it takes to get it sorted out.

So there you have it - my 5 conclusions expanded in my blog. Thanks for reading. Sorry for the length. I never mean for them to be so long and I just blab on and on sometimes. I feel like I should have some insightful closing remark that sums everything up and ties it in a bow. I don't have that. I am not sure there is a way to summarize shorter than my fb status. It does make em thing about how its interesting that people want things so conclusive. So wrapped up, tight and concise. But sometimes that doesn't exist. Sometimes life is messy or confusing or even too complex for that. I am not sure which of those, if any, this blog fall under. I just know that reflecting is nice and puts me at ease, particularly when it leads to solid conclusions that are so uplifting! ha. I am off to spread my cheerful mood to....well I don't actually have anyone to spread it to. I guess I will spread it to my couch, Morris, and the ANTM marathon that is currently on Oxygen network. Oh the joys of a day off.

Some Thoughts From Work

So right now I am down to taking one online class. Technically I physically go into a classroom two weekends, the first and last weeks of the class, but whatever. I am really enjoying this class. Not only is it giving me something to work on during my boring stints in Menomonie, but it also is keeping my brain nice and sharp and in the flow of being in school. All of that is nice. I have found myself starting to really critically think about the readings for class. Not that I don’t always critically think, but I feel like I am doing it more now. I am not sure if this is due to having extra time to focus on just this one class, or if it has more to do with course content. Either way I am happy with it. Since self-injury is an area of interest of mine I think this plays a huge role into why I tend to think more about the readings than usual. This is all really nice, but I feel like when I write my ‘pearls’ on D2L for class that I need to put something along the lines of “in my experience” or “it’s my opinion” at the beginning of everything I write because I do not want to sound like a know-it-all. It just so happens that I do have experience with self-harming individuals and I have researched a lot into the subject on my own…

I guess a lot of school related matters are on my mind because the next thing that I feel compelled to mention is my internship. So many people have been asking me about that recently! Truth be told, I haven’t put too much effort into working that out. I intern in spring so I rekon I should start looking into it. However, I have been told that if I apply now that places won’t look at my stuff until the fall anyways. I guess my biggest thing is that I have no idea where I want to intern. None at all. I do not really know the area very well in the first place so its hard for me to come up with any ideas. I know I want to do residential and I’d prefer to work with young adults or children. That’s about all I’ve got. Lol. I am not too worried about it, its just been on my mind because everyone keeps bringing it up. I figure that everyone else finds internships so I will too, right? That’s what I am going for anyways.

As I write this, I keep thinking of my sister (yeah Sam, you get a shout-out!) and how she told me last week that all of my blogs are either very mushy, or very slit-my-wristy. I’d have to disagree with that, but I am not gonna lie, it made me think about the message I am sending across to the few people that read this blog occasionally. I really do think a lot about other things that never make it in here. I guess I just blog when I have a lot of extra time on my hands, something that has been on my mind a lot recently, to vent, or if there is a significant update in my life. Since most of the things I listed do not happen often, I guess I am left with mushy thoughts about Alex or artistic things I find that I see as just that and my sister sees as slit-my-wristy. Let me assure everyone - there is nothing wrong with me. I am not obsessed with Alex nor am I depressed. I swear. Not that anyone actually thinks that. But it isn’t exactly a far cry if you base your opinion purely on what can be found in my blog.

Going along with just writing about what I am currently thinking – I am slightly bothered right now that the officer I am trying to call at work’s phone has been busy for the past 25 minutes. I was called by dispatch and given his number, but have yet to actually get through to him. I am not concerned that things are not under control by the officer, I am just kindof annoyed that the call is not going through. Its very odd. Guess I will wait it out.

Ha! Turns out I was given the wrong phone number by dispatch. Problem has been sorted. Also turns out that it was not even a crisis call. That makes 0 crisis calls for me today, 1 call from LE that is out of my control and non-crisisy, and 1 fax….only 5 hrs left. I kinda regret not bringing more to do at work today. Monday night was so busy tho, so i figured it might be a bit consistant. The phone was off the hook and I never even got to finish my dinner. I had 6 crisis calls, and an estimated 10 “other” calls from county individuals changing phone numbers, making shift changes, and making us aware of various client situations. Busy busy night that was.

I wish I had something a bit more insightful, inspirational, or uplifting to write about. I really don’t. dang.

Ohhhh! Something exciting - I have found a new wedding dress! Now anyone who has known me for a long time knows that during my undergraduate I worked at a bridal shop for awhile. I used to try on most of the new dresses since I was close to sample size and modeled them for the employees. I also spent a lot of time steaming all the new dresses. I would try lots of dresses on those days as well. Due to this, I found what I thought was the perfect wedding dress for me. It is a very beautiful dress. It’s modern with a Victorian flare – lots of pick-ups on a big skirt and a corset top. Its taffeta and navy blue. It came in soon after I started working there and not one person bought it while I was employed. I think it came in ivory, but most brides couldn’t see past the color. I loved it in navy and found it to suit me pretty well. So anyways, I have been keeping tabs on this dress for the past 4 years so that I can make sure Christina Wu still makes it when I get married. It is still around and I have recently been able to find it on several bridal sites still.

Wellllll on Sunday I was watching Wetv’s Wedding Sunday at my parents house and, as always, found myself critiquing the dresses that the brides would try on. Not in a mean way, but I would try to see if I felt they were trying on the best dresses for their body types and checking out what is new in the bridal world. This combined with the fact that I am headed to a wedding this upcoming weekend, that a friend recently got engaged and had asked me to go bridal dress shopping with her (sadly I couldn’t), and boredom lead me to explore all of my dress options. For one reason or another I decided to see if I could find my blue dress on a different website for cheaper (it is still listed over $1000 after being around for 4 years!). During that search I found a new dress.

Don’t get too excited everyone. I will not be purchasing a wedding dress for a very very long time. Sadly, I am still a few years away from being engaged (a fact that has taken me awhile to get used to) and, therefore, from even trying any dresses on……but, I found this new dress that I am for sure keeping a close eye on. I showed it to my mom and she loves it too! She actually likes it so much that she thinks I should find a shop that sells it so I can go try it on and then purchase it online for the occasion (it too was over $1000 but I was able to find it on a wholesale wedding dress site for very cheap)

I think it suits me perfectly. Better than the blue one. Since I am short I shouldn’t be in a really poofy dress anyways. This new one is better suited for my body type. It’s still taffeta, which can look cheap if the dress isn’t designed well, and not blue...but not the traditional white or ivory either. I’d go into further detail, but I do not want to risk Alex seeing/hearing about the dress. He had seen pictures of the blue one since it was found when I still worked at the bridal shop, I took pictures that were posted on facebook, and we were not dating yet. I wouldn’t wanna spoil my new perfect dress as well! If anyone wants to see a picture than you can let me know, I’ll send you a link :)

I suppose that is all for now. I do not want to continue to bore anyone with more stories of school, work, and wedding dresses. I think I will move onto being productive and researching a few things...

Hey Freud, Analyze This!

So I keep having these dreams. Dreams about my future. Dreams about creating my own treatment center. I wrote a facebook status about it a month or so ago, that is when the dreams started. They are all similar in content, but vary each time. I haven't had one in a long while, but I started having them again recently.

They all center around my career and starting my own treatment center specifically for self-harming individuals. I have drempt everything from what the decor of the residential program will look like, to staffing that I need, to outpatient programs and aftercare. My dream has come up with activities and the daily plan for the residential clients. And it specifically caters towards a certain type of self-harmer. The emo! lol

My dreams sometimes are just purely going through the empty treatment center, seeing still shots of staff where a voice lists out what they do. Sometimes the center is full of clients that are doing activities. It is always like watching a movie, where I am not a part of what is going on. Nobody speaks to me, or even acknowledges my presence. Somehow I know that it is my center though. I never see myself in the dreams, but occasionally I am referred to. I even have seen my office once.

Its really strange to me that I keep having these dreams. I have never wanted to start my own facility, I always figured I would bounce around to a few different jobs before settling into one I like. Now my dreams refer to me working at S.A.F.E. Alternatives prior to starting my own facility, and also me pairing up with T.W.L.O.H.A. at my facility.

I am not exactly sure what to make of it. The first time I had the dream was a week or so before I took an essay test for a summer class where the last question was to outline the top five things you would require if you were starting a treatment center. Easiest question to ask me ever, considering all of my dreams!

I almost feel like I need to take it as a sign. I do believe if we pay close enough attention that we can see signs of warning or premonition. It has happened to me before and I have ignored them in the past - then I got into a carcrash that should have ended much worse than it did. That being said, I think that the extensive dreams I am having are some kind of sign. I do not know from where, or whom, the signs are from and I have not had dreams like this in the past.

All I know is that I keep having them and it is convincing me that this might be a path I want to go down some day. I guess I will have to wait and see. My plans never work out, maybe my dreams will? Time will tell. All I know for sure is that it is all very intriguing.

I really miss England

Like my facebook status says, its really odd to think that one year ago I was in England attempting to figure out my life and find a full-time job. I was all about moving there for a few years and working until Alex was done with school and we could both move back to the states.

It actually still makes me really sad that moving there didn't work out. I was so happy there. Not that I am not happy now. I can't complain, I have a pretty good life. It's just that a lot has changed over the past year and reflecting on it is really strange. Its almost like I shouldn't reflect back on it because the wounds of "failing" over there have not healed. That idea is ridiculous. I have so much to be thankful for right now. And I am thankful for all of it. I was accepted into an amazing grad program in Wisconsin, I have job that I enjoy, I have grown a lot as a person, I am living on my own again, Alex is still willing to do the long distance thing (not that the status of that would ever change, but I am still thankful for it).....the list could go on, those are just the "big things" that initially come to mind.

Its kindof crazy, but I still think about how different things would be if I were over there instead, if everything had worked out. What if I would have found a job and got granted a visa? What if I would have left everything I have here to live with Alex and his family initially, and then in our own place once we saved the money? Things would be so very very different. Would I be happier? In some ways I honestly think I would. I'd be with Alex. That's the most obvious bonus considering he means everything to me.

Would things be perfect? no, of course not. I am sure we would both be broke, that I would miss my family and friends here, and that whatever job I got would have obtained probably meant a significant adjustment for me. And, of course, I wouldn't be back in school, getting a degree, and having moments of personal insite to inspire my future and shape my life goals.

The strangest part about the whole thing is that I still look at that summer as a failure on my part. I probably had the best summer of my life over there. The people were amazing, there was so much to learn and explore, everything is beautiful, the whole lifestyle is a change of pace, I had so much freedom, pretty much no responsibility, and I had Alex. I could have lived that summer for the rest of my life. Sure, I didn't have much to do when Alex was at work because I didn't know the area enough to know what to do. But I could have explored more. Instead I was lazy and hung around with his friends and family. Nothing wrong with that. I was perfectly content.

But despite all of the amazing things I did there, it still feels like a failure. If I am being honest with myself, this is partially because I went there to prove a lot of people wrong. A lot of people didn't exactly support the idea of me moving to England, and some of them were very doubtful about me finding a job and having the guts to move to another country. I really wanted to prove them wrong. Obviously I didn't.

I think a bigger part of it is that I disappointed myself. I let myself down. I wanted to prove to Alex that I would do what he is going to do for me some day. That I too was willing to give up everything to be with him. And I wanted that. I wanted to give up everything and just be with him. For us to struggle on our own. I can't wait for that. And I could have had that. I tried my best to have that. And it was not good enough. That completely sucks. The biggest let down I have experienced thus far.

I should not look at it as a failure because I gained a lot from being over there for so long. I guess it is just a blow to the ego. One that hits a nerve really hard for me. The "I am not good enough" nerve. Never have I thought that about myself. I have felt that I was not good en0ugh for other people....I won't go into that....But not getting a job in England let myself down, made me feel not good enough for me.

Of course, that isn't true. I am good enough, the time just wasn't right. The economy crashed over there shortly before I tried to move there. nobody is going to hire someone from another country during rough times. Especially because I didn't have the official certifications (even though technically I was over qualified). It just was not in the cards for me, for us, then. God's plan was not along that path. I was meant to come back here and do the gradschool thing. And all of that will work out in the end, as it should. And we will be together, finally. I will be done with school and settled when Alex moves here. Perfect timing, right? I sure ho0pe so. I am banking on it.

I think it also goes back to the whole "having another plan not work out" thing. We have tried time and time again to plan to be together. Sent so much time and effort into creating these plans - ways to work it out so we can be together soon. And they all end up not working out. I will admit that some of them were long shots. Some of them Alex didn't even want to try. But I planned them out in detail anyways. Even created backup plans for all of the possible hiccups we might experience within a given plan. None of them even came close to working out.

You would think that I would stop trying to come up with plans, but I don't. In a lot of ways those keep me going. They give me hope that stuff will work out eventually. Because as long as we have a plan and are working on it then there is a chance that things will turn out something close to what we planned and that we will get to be together....but they never work out and I always get disappointed. Since this plan was the first that was completely on me I think I took it extra hard.

Since then I have not made anymore plans. I just can't bring myself to do it. Its both a good and bad thing. I don't get let down when the plans fail, but now its hard to find hope cuz all I can do is wait. And I hate waiting for this. It is the thing I want the most so it makes me anxious and impatient and sad to wait and wait and wait and never work towards anything. I suppose we are working on things - ourselves. Getting the all important education piece of our lives out of the way before we are together. I suppose I would be very distracted if Alex were here and I attempted to do gradschool. But currently I am distracted by my impatience and my emocity due to the waiting and being away from Alex....I am in a constant state of low grade anxiety without him. Man to I have attachment issues with that boy. lol.

I guess I am just doomed to wait it out a few more years. It could be much much worse. And I will be getting all smart in the process, right? Thats what I keep telling myself anyways. We have been doing this for longer than we have left now, so I rekon we can make it. Well, I know we can. I would just prefer we didn't have to. But there are long term benefits to it. But I need not get into that now. For now I shall focus on the current summer and seeing Alex as much as I can.....especially since we have no idea when we will be able to see one another after this....we might have to go a whole year! I half expect to die attempting that. I am sure one of us will break down and sacrifice something to make a visit work.....maybe I should start fund-raising and go to England over Christmas....cept the family would hate that. hmm, I will think of something.....and so starts another plan....