No, I Haven't Made A Decision

people keep asking me my plan and whats next. and i still haven't a clue. ive tried to put it to the back of my mind but it keeps being brought back up. i just haven't come to a reasonable and acceptable decision as of yet.....

i figure that some of you out there have to wonder why i seem so stressed out over whats happening next and so bothered by the fact that i don't have a plan. i guess its just the way my mind works. i know plenty of people who just fly by the seat of their pants so to speak. they just do what they want when they want how they want. and if it doesn't work out the way they want then they just go with the flow or decide to randomly go in a different direction. for some reason i can't adapt those sorts of thought patterns. not in this case. i can see where it would be beneficial - a lot less stress, a lot more fun. its just not my way of doing things....not that i ever really do whats 'expected' or 'normal' in many situations. im sure you get what i mean......and if not then im sorry, im too deep in my own thoughts to explain it right now....

im finding it really hard to wrap my head around leaving England and not knowing when im coming back. not knowing when im going to be able to spend time like this with Alex again. not knowing when ill be able to be around all the wonderful people i have met. i know that will come in time. but i hate not knowing when that will be. im a very patient person most of the time. i can keep my cool with people and usually can put my emotions and opinions aside to help other people. that's a strength of mine. but i cant be patient for myself, no matter how hard i try. i cant just sit back and wait until something comes my way. i don't want to waste my life away. and i am not content with doing what society says i should be doing at this point in my life. blah blah blah. im not trying to sound all rebellious and nonconformist but i fear that's what it seems.....i'm done for now.