i think it goes without saying that i took a huge risk coming here. i had a very stable, full time, real people job that i couldve had as long as i wanted/needed it. and i quit that job to come over here for 2 months. even though i got very frustrated at my job due to the lack of resources available, it wasnt a bad job at all. and it was such a secure one. with the economy how it is today thats a lot to give up just so i can essentially have a 2 month vacation, see my boyfriend, and attempt to find a job in a country that has an equally as bad economy. but i did. and i dont regret that choice. this has been an amazing summer and i wouldve regretted not coming here and giving all of this a go.
the decision is this: what will i choose to do with my life next?
i have several options here. i will list and discuss them now, weighing the pros and cons of each. (feel free to skip this blog....i have a feeling it will either be really dull or get really emo at some point. i wont blame you if you decide to click away from my blog) -
OPTION 1: GO BACK TO WORK AT TANAGER
STATUS: the easy option
i worked at Tanager Place for 10 months. it has been my only real people job and provided me with a lot of extra cash. which funded my current trip. like i said, its a very stable job. there will never be a time when they wont need more employees there. i may not be able to work in the same cottage that i was originally in, but i am sure i could get my job back quit easily.
PROS- ill have an income to fund more trips to england....if i would be able to get time off that is. i could live at home free of rent. id be around family. it would keep me busy = less emo cassie. the staff are amazing people. if i wanted i could go back to school part time and have it paid for by Tanager - but id have to commute and it isnt really the programs i want. when the kids make progress, its very rewarding. its a good job for my resume. i learn a lot there. it would take very little effort and has a high success rate.
CONS- id be working a job where i have the knowledge but not the resources to give the children the help they really need. it gets very frustrating. id go back to a work environment where i get swore at and beat up by children on a daily basis. id be away from Alex for the next 3 yrs....
RESULTING HAPPINESS/CONCLUSION: i wouldnt be very happy. id do it if i had to, but i would return to being a bit miserable.
OPTION 1B: WORK AT TANAGER AND LOOK FOR ENGLAND JOBS ONLINE
STATUS: the still being hopeful...at Tanager option
PROS - all of the pros from option 1 plus - there would still be a chance i could find a job in england online. id already be in the US to start the visa process. i could take my time finding a really good job. theres no time limit on this plan.
CONS - all of the cons from option 1 plus - finding a job is difficult if i cant be there for the interviews. phone interviews just arent the same. i may not find one. waiting for a visa could take a long time. communicating with jobs from overseas really sucks. if it fails, id be away from Alex for the next 3 yrs....
RESULTING HAPPINESS/CONCLUSION: its a pretty good option i spose. and a responcible one. one that i could please a lot of people with. im not sold on it, but i havent written it off as of yet.
OPTION 2: TAKE THE SUMMER OFF AND LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB IN THE US
STATUS: US economy risk
before i left the states i had mentioned to my mom several times that i might wanna find a new job in the fall due to my frustrations getting to me at Tanager. i would like to get other job experience before going back to school. i was thinking a drug/rehab clinic, working with eating disorders, or a more intensive in-patient treatment facility. it most likely would not be in iowa because our mental health services arent very good and we have one of the lowest budgets in the US.
PROS - a new job would be both interesting and challenging. it would keep me busy and happier than Tanager would. i would have my own apartment again. Morris could come with me. good for my resume. good for figuring out what i want to go to grad school for.
CONS - it most likely wouldnt be in iowa = not around family and friends. the economy sucks so it might take me a long time to find a job. i may not be able to find one at all. id probably become more withdrawn than i already am since i wouldnt be around anyone i know. i cant be bothered to make new friends. id be away from Alex for the next 3 yrs....
RESULTING HAPPINESS/CONCLUSION: its very much unknown how happy this option would actually make me. yes, its a bit of a risk and it might end up with me having a job i really like....but it might end in me not finding one at all. or that ill find one and move away, only to find out i hate the job or where i am living. it would make me happier to have tried this and failed than just being stuck at Tanager wondering if i couldve found a better job.
OPTION 3: TAKE A JOB BUT APPLY FOR GRAD SCHOOL
STATUS: preparing for 'our future'
i think my parents were less than happy when i took time off to go to work instead of going to grad school....a choice i made after applying and interviewing at several places. i do intend on going back to get a masters at some point. the idea was that job experience would help me decide what i want to go to grad school for. I think that i have decided i want to go for clinical mental health counseling. i did look up grad schools the other day and emailed myself a list of them with web addresses.
PROS - if i go to school now, the same time as Alex does, then i will be doing my supervised practise when he comes over to the US for his grad school. my schooling would then be out of the way and we could live together in the US and not have to worry about being in the US and apart at some point for school. it would keep me very busy. i would get my own apartment again. Morris could come with me. there are programs where i could concentrate on addiction or eating disorders. Alex and i could spend summers and breaks together.
CONS - i wouldnt be working so there would be no funds for trips to see Alex. none of the programs are in iowa.theres always a chance that i wont get in. its too late to apply for fall, id have to wait until the spring term. not all programs allow spring entry. id be away from Alex for the next 3 yrs....
RESULTING HAPPINESS/CONCLUSION:this really does make a lot of sense in the grand scheme of things. i wouldnt be the happiest but it would make things a lot easier for us down the line. due to the intensity of grad school i would probably be quite content. plus the thought of doing something good for me and good for my relationship would give me a sense of purpose and satisfaction, keeping me sane for 3 years. an option i should and will very much consider.
OPTION 4: TAKE A CRAP JOB IN ENGLAND
STATUS: just so i can be with Alex
it has been suggested by so many people both in england and back home that i take this route. i can see why, its sortof a quick fix, get me over here kinda option. but i dont really think its that easy. id of course still look for a good job once i was here....but theres visa issues to think about.
PROS - it would get me into england. with my degree a tier 1 visa shouldnt be hard to get. i could leave a bunch of my stuff here when i go home. id be back soon. since i leave in 1.5 weeks the visa process could get started quickly. id be with Alex = happy Cassie and Alex. Alex and i can get a flat.
CONS - my parents will kill me if i take a crappy job because its not beneficial for my career. i would be away from the fam and friends for 3 years. bringing Morris here would take at least 6 months and would be very expensive. if i find a new job the visa stuff would get messy because i would need a different kind of visa and you cant hold 2 at once. i think there is stuff id have to return to the US to do...or at least spend a good deal of time sorting it out in London. if i didnt find a better job then i run the risk of having to leave after the visa expires and they wont renew it.
RESULTING HAPPINESS/CONCLUSION: this option, in all honesty, would make me the happiest. its going to be a lot of a hassle and expensive to get all of my things over and i will miss everyone back home. it really is the decision my heart is in the most.
CLOSING THOUGHTS:
i only live once, and i feel a bit of pressure to make the 'right' choice. im not worried about pleasing everyone else, altho i prefer everyone to be happy with the decision i make. im not at all worried about the status of my relationship. its strong and will continue to be no matter what choice i make. i guess its just down to what i think is best and where my heart is. Alex and i knew that our relationship wouldnt be easy but we are determined to get through everything and be together in the end. itll all work out, i dont doubt that. but this crossroad i am at is a tough choice for some reason. i think part of it is because now that ive been here for nearly 2 months i know what its like to be around him all the time in a non camp setting. and i love it. i truly dont want to go back to things being how they were before i came over. i was quite miserable. but i will endure it if need be, because its what i have to do and its all going to be more than worth it when we get things worked out. im sure people think that it should be a simple choice. that i should just take a crappy job in england. i mean, not everyone gets the chance to travel and explore and live in a different country for a few years. i dont want to pass that up. and, obviously, Alex is here so its naturally where i want to be. but theres also that pesky grad school option. it really does make the most sense for our future together and i would be pretty satisfied with the situation. i guess its either happiness now or later, right? thats really the choice here. i mean, we have come this far and have a lot of life together ahead of us. it probably doesnt matter which i choose because eventually he will be in the states and we can be together....
i know i need to make a choice soon and get my plan refined and set into motion. i guess i can always try for all of it and see when happens first. that might be a good plan of attack. my plans never really work out anyways so there isnt much need for them, really. and i know that, it doesnt bother me. creating a plan just gives me something to work towards and makes me feel a little bit better about being away from Alex....the silly the things people do to trick their minds into thinking they have some control or to self validate. oh the many wonders of the mind.....now to get mine pondering all of this obsessively until i come to a conclusion.
.WHAT . IS . NEXT .
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