So it has absolutely been ages since I have posted anything. It is typical of me - I do not like to blog when I am really upset for a long period of time because (A) I tend to be repetitive (B) it cannot be interesting for people to read, and (C) I usually just don't feel up to putting forth the effort.
Recap and catch up:
- I am back in Iowa, living with my parents.
- Alex was here in the states for 1 month in order to look for a job and just be with me a bit longer. He had to return due to having no more time he could take off for work.
- I did not find a job in England.
- I do not have a job in the states.
- I have been devastated for the past 13 days since he has left.
Well I have done a lot of thinking over these past (almost) two weeks. I have decided that if I have to do long-distance with him than I will. I have been trying to keep myself very busy with things. Mostly job hunting and crafting. I applied for 45 jobs last week. Have had 2 interviews since I have gotten back. I did not get one of the jobs, the other is still interviewing people. I also read a lot.
Having all of that time to do nothing of major importance has helped me to put a different and more positive spin on things. Although I still feel like I cannot catch a break right now and that I am doing nothing of notable importance or to make myself feel useful, I think my new out look is helping. I still get grumpy and sad....a lot...about my current circumstances. But I am trying and that is what matters.
I have decided that there just must be something left for us to do in our own countries before everything is out of the way and we can be happy together. Perhaps we both need to get some job experience in our own countries before opportunities will open for one of us in the other's country. Maybe we still have personal growth to achieve before we will be able to handle taking the other from everything they know (yes, it is an emo and dramatic outlook on thing, but essentially that is what we will have to do some day, right?). There could be a million reasons and I could drive myself crazy with listing them all. So I will stop at those two because I am sure people get the point.
I have also decided that I am going to make the best out of the time we have to be apart. I am never as happy as I could be when he is not around. That is just my reality. I do need my time to be sad and mourn and be am eme mess before I can just get over it and move on. That is just how I function. I have had that time now. I still am very sad but have realized that stressing out over the situation and being sad is not helping me any. I can still miss him and do something with purpose while I wait for the next chapter in my life to open up. The sadness and stress is not going to change the situation at all, so keeping it to what is absolutely necessary is the best I can hope for.
I am still holding out for a few plans that are in progress. I have 100% avoided planning them out. They are just options we are exploring to see if they might work out. I am carrying on with things and focused on finding a job here and opening that next door for myself.
Most of the jobs I have been applying for have been in the crisis realm. I have applied for jobs all over the US (and a few in England as well) doing different types of crisis related jobs. From telephone work that I have done before to helping respond to victims of homicide to working in DC with legislature to creating suicide programming for military individuals and their families. I have also applied for more traditional residential and out patient therapist positions. I am hoping something comes my way soon....my jobs applied for since I have been back sits somewhere in the 50's. My next job is out there somewhere. I just hope it comes to me soon!
As always, I struggle with being patient with the big things I cannot control. I am still working on that and probably will never be able to fully have control over it....but one can hope that with lots of work I will keep improving!
All in all I am hanging in there and trying to get back to a regular type schedule so keep my sanity. I am going to try and keep a regular blogging schedule as well. There is no reason I cannot be using this transition time to work on all of my goals for the year, right?
I am not sure how much longer Alex and i will have to endure long-distance, but for all of you haters and doubters out there --YES! I KNOW THAT THIS IS WORTH IT. I have no doubt at all. I do not want to be with anyone else and certainly not without him. So I will wait. For however long it takes. I just figure that I am paying for things up front. Which is better than having something nice and getting it taken away. and now that I have a fancy phone for the first time in my life it is not quite as hard. He does not always get to skype me with video all the time dur to his camera not working....but we can text one another for free (including photos and videos and voice messages) on our phones thanks to this free app called What's App. It is really nice because I can tell that the message at least gets to his phone. Not that he has read it, but at least that it got there. This is so very nice because when we would text most of the time it would never get to the other person or would be delayed by hours or days. This way I know he gets it right away....and we can have much more conversation throughout the day this way! Its a blessing for sure.
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