A Point of Refocus

 Taking a break whilst setting up at larp

As my extended trip to the UK sadly draws to a close and I begin to look for one-way flights instead of the two-way one I was hoping for, I am beginning to refocus myself . By this I mean mostly refocusing my mind. 

This trip has been wonderful in many ways. It has also been difficult. I have written a little about some of the struggles I have faced, but have definitely left some of it out. Although I am still bitter that I will have to leave and may not be able to come back, I am trying to slowly accept this as reality and try to plan for what is next. I am truly gutted about leaving. I do not want to go. The thought of not knowing when I will be able to return to this country in which I feel like I belong is a tough pill to swallow. Despite not finding a job, I do think I belong here. The economy sucks, as it does everywhere, and essentially I am about to fail at my main mission of this trip. 

I suppose it is not all a failure, although I do know several people who will be rubbing it in my face as such. I have to be honest, I am scared a bit of that failure. I am not ready to face this again. It is a repeat of the last time I came seeking a job and left empty handed. 

The good thing about this is that last time it only took a few months to get moving to the next thing. The break being here was much needed this time as it was last time. It has made me grow as a person and given me time to contemplate what I really want and need in my life. The results were a bit surprising to me if I am being totally honest. I know here soon I will be ok with how things are turning up.

Right now I have 27 windows up on this computer. All of them are about possible options for what is next in my life. I have no idea if one or any of them will turn out being what happens. I hope one of them does though. My mind is going a million directions right now and it is hard for me to focus on just one thing. It is probably making quite the disjointed blog for everyone to read. At least it is a candid look into what is going on for me at this moment. The odd thing about my mind going to all of these places is that, for once, I am not feeling panicked about not knowing what is going to happen. I have always believed in the saying "everything happens for a reason" and "things will work out as they should". This is not to say that I do not believe I have a hand in what happens, just that I know God will guide me to what is right for me. It does get frustrating for me to not know where I will be going and I have often written about my impatience with myself and with my stage in life when I know where I want it to go but have no control over making myself get there. This is something I have worked on with myself over the past few years. During stressful times it does still happen to me. 

Lately I have been quite stressed out. Not sleeping well and having odd dreams. Worrying and fretting over what is about to happen. It still terrifies me when I sit and think about it. I do not have a job, I have loans to pay back in 2 months, I probably wont be able to return to the UK for quite awhile once I leave in a few months, and most of all - I am not willing to face leaving Alex and doing long-distance again. I know Alex worries about all of this too, but I am certainly more worried and more vocal about these concerns. 

I can't help it, in a lot of ways I think I want to be settled and have things worked out easily like everyone else seems to be able to do. But that is not me. It never really has been and never will be, I don't think it is that I compare myself to others, I think it is just that I get so much pressure from people and places to have things in order and to do things in a more traditional way. This does weigh on me to an extent, particularly now when I have zero idea or plan as to what is going on (yes, another one of my weaknesses....at least I know what they are and can identify them for myself. That helps). I have always done things the hard way or a different way or my way. Rarely ever in-line with other people. This is both a good and bad thing. I think eventually it will turn out to be a very good thing and lead to me doing big things. I am just not past the point of struggling yet. In a lot of ways I think I even like the struggle and the challenge of making my own way of things. I enjoy paving my own path and doing things that are new. Its exciting and rewarding in its self, but a great struggle sometimes to get through that process.

My younger sister (who will probably read this at some point as I know she is one of the few that actually does) told me the other week that she thinks my motto is (and excuse the language as I very rarely use curse words) "F*** the world, Imma be me". I do think the language is a bit strong, but the passion and drive is there. I asked Alex what he thought about this motto for me and he agreed that it pretty much described me as I always figure out a way to do things my way and do what I want to do without letting others stop me. I do suppose I have to agree with this motto, but it is not without struggle and some emotional pain on my part that I come to the decisions I make and then pursue.

Would I be happy with making other choices besides the hard ones? Yes I think so. Not as happy and content, but happy enough to carry on for awhile before I would need to make a bigger decision. After reflection on things, I think I would be happy and content living in England with Alex and working a job below my educational level in the field. It would be an easy choice if I could find a bloody job. Sadly, I am not finding one and it looks very unlikely that I will. I would have been content with that choice for several years, I am confident in that. As I have said before, it is the getting a visa that people do not want to deal with in this economy.

I am now presented with new options I must choose from. I think that sadly many of the realistic ones require me to be away from England for a lengthy time and from Alex for a bit as well. Although I am not looking forword to that, it may just come down to that being reality. I am hoping to sit down and further discuss things with Alex in the next few days, once he is done with University. After that and some thinking I might be able to put some of the other suggestions out there. Some small hints include more education, living in the states, and getting married. All three are completely different and separate ideas. Like usual, probably none of them will work out, but knowing me I have to try. 

As my mind continues to zoom I am beginning to have less of an interest in this blog and more of an interest in further exploring my options. I keep getting distracted by my own thoughts and all of the other windows that are up on the screen, even tho I minimized all of them to write this. 

Overall, I think the point is that even though I still have major reservations about the future, I am not freaking out like I have been. I am starting to feel comfortable that something, the right thing, will come my way soon. I feel like I have almost found it and stumbled upon the correct answer for me and my future. Not quite yet, but that cannot be rushed. It will come. And then I will plan for it and make announcements and go for it. 

The main thing is that I have regained my focus on what matters - my overall happiness and not just specific happiness in one area of my life. There will always be things that are not perfect and I wish I could change. That is part of life. I am not going to worry about jobs and making the right choice and career paths and choosing between countries and my relationships. I am going to focus on enjoying what I have while I have it and on figuring out what the next step will be. Life will go on either way and I can only be sure I have this one. I need to make it good and enjoy it as much as possible. I used to do that and have, over the last month or so, gotten caught up in the pressure of figuring things out. I have still enjoyed things but have been hindered by my own insecurities and worries. I am not going to let them over power me anymore. I am choosing to be my best me and enjoy everything as much as I can. And I will do that. 

Sidebar - I have been thinking that I do not want to be a practitioner and sit in an office working with a caseload. That is most certainly the obvious choice given the degree I just obtained, but not my cup of tea. I know that will be part of what I do and am very happy with that. But I do not want that being my main career. I want more. I think research is the way to go. It makes sense for me - always challenging and doing things my own way, constant learning and pushing myself, working for the greater good and to contribute to my field. It seems right to me.....I also still want to open my own residential facility one day. I do not think myself or the world is quite ready for that one yet though :)

Sorry for the odd blog. Again, I know it is disjointed and that some of you probably wanted to hear about larp. I will write all about that one on Monday when Alex is at school. I just needed to spill some of this out I think and had nobody physically here to spill it out to. So thanks for "listening" to me ramble :)