Dazed But Not Confused

With very little time left I am feeling like making another entry. Not sure why. I guess I just am not going anything of any importance anyways this afternoon so I might as well update my oh-so-curious readers, right?  

Not exactly sure what I intend on saying in this entry. I have a feeling it will be quite disjointed. But then again, that would probably a pretty accurate look at what things are like for me right now. 

For the past few days I have been living in a fog.  A daze. An unreality that is real. It is a very strange feeling that I have difficulty explaining. When I try to explain it to people in real-time, I end up repeating myself almost verbatim until I realize how silly I sound and just sheepishly look at the person, apologize for being poorly spoken, and stop talking. People say they understand but I am not sure they do. I don't mean that they are not capable of understanding, I just think that I do such a poor job of attempting to explain myself that there is no way i am accurately conveying what is going on inside me. And yet, here I go trying again....

I find myself drifting through the days, often time not knowing what is actual happening around me. It's like I am in a dream. Edges of my sight foggy, thoughts wondering, inattention. I sortof just go with the flow and drift through the day. I am sure on the outside I am looking a bit distracted and perhaps even bored when I am not actively engaging. I am trying my best not to do this because I am truly not bored. And when I am actively engaged with people I know I come off as anxious. I have difficulty looking people in the eyes and often find myself not knowing what to say. It is not that i am uninterested in what is going on, I am just finding it so difficult to focus. It kindof reminds me of when I take prescription pain pills and am completely loopy. The difference is during those times I am not all there and aware of what is going on around me. Right now I am very aware and technically should be more in control of myself. For some reason I am not.

Some of you out there may be thinking that I must just be nervous or anxious about my move. I guess in a way that is true. Probably not in the way you are thinking though. I am not anxious because I am scared about what is happening next or what I am doing. I am anxious to get all of that started. For the last 2 months things have really changed for me. It took me awhile to adjust to living back in Iowa, with my parent, without school or work to focus my time or energy on. At first it was awkward to have so much free time. Then it was really nice and relaxing. Now I hate it. It feels unnatural and useless when I know so many great things are about to happen. Stuff is going to change for me in a few days. And by stuff I mean everything. And I am ok with that. Not because I want to get away or escape something, but because I know it is where I am meant to be right now. I can feel it. I think it is that sense of not being where I should be that is hard to explain. How can I describe something that is difficult for me to even understand. I am in a limbo. A purgatory. I should be at point B but and still waiting at point A with no real reason for the delay. I just don't know how else to describe it. And the thing is, this is no a terrible feeling. Yes, it is unsettling a little. I think it would be more unsettling if I knew I was meant to be elsewhere but did not know where or when that would culminate. But I do know. And that is why I am anxious but not nervous and in a fog. The waiting is making me stir crazy. Deep down inside I know that none of what is currently happening really even matters. The goodbyes matter. And the getting my ducks in line order. But those things unfold in their own time. It is all of the extra seconds in the day that is the problem. They happen at what feels like ridiculously impossible sluggishness. And I have no drive to fill them with meaningless activities that I cannot focus on or enjoy anyways. 

It is not all gloom and doom though. It gets more complex because I am also very excited for what is about to happen. I very much look forward to finally getting to be with Alex and not have to do this terrible long distance thing anymore. I am looking forward to this more than I can explain. It is relieving, comforting, and justifying to name a few other positive emotions that are mixed in there. I could go on for days explaining all of that but won't so that everyone is not deterred by my ever present emocity when it comes to topics of Alex.

To speak to might what be obvious, the underlying excitement and the outward fog do not mix well, probably making me appear to others as a bit bipolar. All in all though I think I am coming across as calm about all of this. I know that most people say they could never do such a thing because of all the upcoming unknowns and risks. To me they do not matter because I am that confident that things will work out as they should. I think that after years of planning things out and never having them work out, I am finally learning a bit more patience when it comes to some of this. It just figures that the patience lesson would finally sink in about now. i am sure that I will need the patience in the future because I know that just because I am moving there to find a job does not mean things will fall into place easily or work out in a timely manner. But it will work out eventually and that is enough to leave me in my current state of fog. 

I will get past all of this and hopefully get some sleep in the process (I have also not been sleeping well as of late). It will all be over in a few days and a new chapter will open up for me. I can endure all of this a bit longer since the payoff is so big. It really isn't that bad. Things could be much worse for me and I will gladly wonder my way through the next few days to reach the point where I can somewhat relax as my plane journey begins.

Then real relaxation and bliss will follow once I land. 

I am very confident that it will be worth all of this and will live up to my expectations, hopes, and dreams.