back in the US of A

just got back on Friday afternoon. it was a productive and necessary trip. i am glad i went, altho it was a difficult trip for many reasons. all if fine. i am suffering from the usual emotions when returning. its exhausting to let myself process everything slowly. i hate the situation i am in. i hate not knowing what is going to happen. leaves me feeling insecure and anxious. ill survive and make due. i always do. thats the price i pay for the life i choose to lead. i look forward to it being over soon. its wearing on me. never really gets easier like i had hoped it would. dont even know why i am writing this if i am being honest. it is just coming across as pessimistic. guess ill be done. this is becoming pointless. back to cuddling morris and vacantly watching tv in an attempt to distract my mind. i need to get motivated to do a hobby or something....

Revelation

I had a revelation this morning that was based on recent eventful news. It has made me realize that I have to get out of God's way and let His plan work its self out. I will not be planning my next step, I will be allowing Him to guide me in the correct direction.....I realized today that He truly has been directing my life to the next step without me even knowing. He has hinted at it throughout my semester, but I was overlooking the signs. I see them now and am confident I am correct my unexpected step towards the future. I guess a night of feeling insecure and terrified was what it took to wake me up from planning and getting in my own way in His way. I am not ready to fully disclose what I think this plan is, but am anxious to let it unfold. I will keep everyone posted. 

And as for my conversation with Alex, I am (mostly) at peace with that as well. 

kind regards