Running List of Things That Creep Me Out

• the bunny from Donnie Darko (I am actually terrified of it and the movie)
• antique baby dolls
• clothing in antique stores
• animatronics
• people sitting alone in parked cars at night
• tape worms (particularly in jars)
  
• lice
• the Burger King King
• when dogs make the sound like they are going to puke
• people who hand out fliers to support a cause that include disturbing photos (I'm thinking abortion and animal cruelty)
• Timothy Spall
• Gary Busey
• Charles Manson
• Marylin Manson
• the show Unsolved Mysteries (particularly the host, but only in that show)
• black and white cartoons from my childhood
• Ron Popeil
• The Juiceman Juicer man's eyebrows
• the movie Secrets of Nim
• people who knowingly buy things that someone has died on/in
• earwigs
• wolf spiders
• dead bug collections
• walls covered in shag carpet
• the potential the US government has to hide things from and spy on the public
• the majority of mothers who force their children into pageantry
• cannibalism

Into the Depths of a Graduate Student's Mind: Inquiry into Personal Growth and Professional Change

So that is the name of my 10-15 page required paper for Orientation to Mental Health Counseling about professional and personal change since beginning graduate school. There are 9 suggested "theme prompts" - questions we are more or less required to answer. The instructions were a page long and went on about how we are going through a huge growth period and the purpose of the assignment is to provoke thought about that growth and document it for later reading enjoyment.

I personally like the idea of the assignment, just not the thought that professors are forcing people to get insight. I feel like a lot of people will do it the week of and then submit 10.5 pages of B.S. that resembles little truth. I felt like to force all the questions into my paper would make it incongruent and inauthentic....something we are supposed to strive towards as further counselors....

so i took a bit of a risk and disregarded the questions. I am not done writing it yet, but I am a good 8 pages in. I have probably answered 4 questions thus far, some in more detail than others. I'm not really sure how this will pan out, grade wise....but I decided that I do not care. I prefer to give an accurate depiction of my experience with growth than force something that the professors want to hear. If the ultimate goal of the assignment is to document the growth process so I may reflect upon it later then that is what I am going to do.....I have decided to drop the preface in here for those whom are curious as to how my paper feels...keep in mind that I haven't even read over it yet for errors.....there are probably lots!

ENJOY :

By nature I would describe myself has a receptive and reflective individual. I am an adamant supporter of the expressive arts. For me, they provide simultaneous self-expression and internal processing. My personal history caused me to start a mission of self-evaluation and growth in an attempt to lead a meaningful life of my own. This has been an ongoing process for me since late 2005. I continue to attribute much of my insight and growth to the expressive arts, even since beginning graduate school.

When reading through the provided theme prompts, I found myself wondering how I could most accurately describe my growth process since being in graduate school and answer the questions at the same time. After a period of contemplation and multiple rough drafts, I decided that I couldn’t. Insight about recent growth does not happen genuinely if it is forced into paper format. Arguably, it is not true insight if it is forcibly regurgitated based upon predetermined questions for a class assignment. It’s true; one of the things we are taught in the program is that insight can be coached. Often times as counselors we must lead the client through their own thoughts, hoping that the insight we discretely dangle in front of them is uncovered. But even then we take things at the client’s pace, trying not to push it upon them too soon to be appropriately handled.

I am reminded of the saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. Meaning: there is only so much we can to do in an attempt to bring forth the coveted, pivotal “ah ha” moment where the client’s brain almost audibly clicks into gear. If a client is resistant then the therapeutic reliance is examined and alternate treatment avenues may be explored. I am not inferring that I am a likened to a resistant client; I am merely exploring an alternate route to the assignment.

My conceptualization of the paper was to narrate my graduate school experience with the focal point being my personal and professional development. Since it is in my nature to take periodic risks, I have chosen to ignore the theme prompts and go with my gut reaction to depict accuracy over suggested content. I feel as though the outcome will be comparable, perhaps achieving increased self satisfaction and reader enjoyment.

Tick Tock on the Clock

Sometimes I get so anxious for what lies ahead of me. I just feel like I cannot wait to be somewhere other than where I am. I have a lot going for me right now, but it is mostly buisiness and the 'fun' that I have is not really that fantastic. I have a great time and am glad I have done it, but it sometimes does not feel like the ultimate fun that I would have when I was around people I relate better to or in an area that caters more to my interests. Wisconsin just really is not for me. I like it here - its pretty and my program is wonderful. Everyone is nice and I truly am enjoying the learning process that is grad school.....but it is not the same as what I would want. It is not that same as the enjoyment I would have somewhere that I belonged to. Somewhere a bit warmer, with lots of stuff to do. Artzy things, shows, theater, random community events that are corny but fun.....there really isn't much of that to do here at all. There is in the cites, but I am far removed from the cities and have no idea what is going on there. I am not big into night life and drinking and going out...if you do not do outdoorzy sports or drink then there just is not much to do around here.

I do lots of self care stuff on my own. And that is great and I really enjoy it....not so much the same thing as going out with people you really enjoy being around and doing something you love at the same time. Its just the same old thing here. I've only been here a year and I am already bored of it....

But when I am being honest with myself, I think it is partially me just not being patient. I want what lies ahead of me. I can see it and it is getting closer. I have no set plan (for once) and I do not know for sure what lies ahead....but I know that it is something that fits my lifestyle better than this. I know it will be in a location where I can access all of the things I enjoy - a big city, or at least very close to one. I know it will involve working full-time in a field that I love. I know Alex will be here finally. I just know that it will be better, more fitting.

The problem with me is that it drives me crazy when I see what I want but cannot work towards making it happen. I suppose I am working towards some of it now by being in school.....but I can't really rush most of it. It is all something that will eventually fall into place on its own when the time is right. but I want that time to be now. So badly that I get bored with where I am at. I also think that the fact that I am so bogged down with things to get done all of the time that it makes it more difficult to go seek out the stuff I want to do. When I have free time then I am tired. And I know there is more things that need to be done. There always is. Which also prevents me from planning ahead a lot of the time. Specially things to do by myself. And when I ask others, it never seems to happen. People just aren't motivated enough to stick to a plan I guess. I get it, but it is still lame.

I just keep telling myself that in one more year I can be actually facing some of that happening. Well, at least getting closer to happening. Then all of this waiting will be worth it.

Oh waiting. Story of my life.

I swear, 'one day' has to come around eventually.....and it keeps creeping closer. I just wish there was a reel I could turn to bring it about sooner rather than later.

Some Clarification

Don't know how many times it needs to be stressed within my blog - I am fine. People really, truly do not need to be worrying about me based on the contents of this blog. I use it as pretty much a live journal that anyone can read. I do not think what I am writing about is in need of any concern or attention. Most of what I write is in the moment and based on the inner-working dialogue that constantly is in the back of my mind. Sometimes, as is the case of my last blog, I write when I am in an exaggerated, artistic frame of mind that is not to be taken as my literal thoughts. Other times I am writing to keep others updated on whats been going on....most of the time it is a mix of both - thats my preferred writing style. I think I attribute it to my....alternative way of thinking. I am not trying to say that I am uniquely misunderstood or innately different. I just think that I am not a mainstream thinker all of the time. I guess my purpose of writing this entry is just to emphasize that I am a healthy, balanced individual whom just enjoys relieving some steam in emotionally charged and exaggerated ways. This blog is just one of those ways. I am not going to sensor what I write in here. If you find yourself reading this and becoming concerned about me then perhaps you are looking too much into this (as I have often pointed out that readers should not do). I suggest in such a case that you remind yourself that I am a mental health counseling student and am well aware of healthy coping strategies and my own level of well-being. I promise that I take good care of myself. So take a breath and think again about how together you know me to be in real life. In the event that I am not ok, I promise I will seek help in whatever way I deem appropriate and most beneficial for myself. I am not perfect, but I do practice what my profession preaches.

The Feeling of Feeling Down

I am an emotional creature.

It is interesting to me that I write this blog as I am in such high spirits. I am not far removed from the struggle of this past week and yet something in me has settled, plopping me into positive affect. I haven't a clue how this happened, but it has. The reason does not matter, nor is it the interesting part. Even I find it peculiar that I would reflect upon 'feeling down', and even show preference of it to a certain extent, when not actually enthralled in the world of emotion that I know so well.

I am an emo. Mascaraed eyes painted in tears that are wiped clean with thumb-holed sleeves.

This is what I am at heart. I adore the mess that stares back at me in the mirror - all smudged with black and red eyed. After a good cry I always look at myself and smile on the inside. It is when I feel beautiful. Alive. Meaningful. Artistic.

And I love it.
Crave it even.

Powerless. Lonely. Lost. Insecure.
These feel like home.

It reminds me to cherish the good and that everything bad I go through has meaning. It gives me the strength and motivation to be independent and dig myself out of the downfall.

That's what life is about, it's it? Making your way through the burning rubble so you can take the sigh of relief that you are still alive....then you cross the bridge in awe of the majestic scenery that lies ahead while never forgetting the scars that linger with you.

The sick, twisted thing is that I enjoy that suffering. It feels horrid yet favorable. I actually kick myself later if I did not spend time completely engulfed in the emotion. Allowing myself to feel the emotion and suffering seeping from me has an almost exhilarating quality to it.

Do not get me wrong. I enjoy the feeling of happiness - with its carefree nature and sense of confidence. It is good to be in that state. The down side of happiness is that people take it for granted. They forget to feel it. It is like they get used to it, it is felt with less potency, and then it fades into the background, continuing to be in an unnoticed fashion.

But feeling down. Really down. People do not stop experiencing that. They dwell on it and let it fully consume their entire world. The misery is lived, but not appreciated by most. I can appreciate it. It makes the good better and more worthwhile. After time, you start to actually enjoy the misery.

Me, I live for it.....and it makes love, true love, simply indescribable.

And true love is something you have no other choice but to cherish.

I definitely cherish someone.

my recommendation: live for the feeling of feeling down