Job/Internship Journal

First of all, I have decided that I am going to add a photo to every blog entry, just for fun. So enjoy that. Secondly, my update is on how my big people job as a therapist/my internship. Hope that's ok.

             As my caseload at work/internship continues to grow, I find myself getting more and more busy throughout the work day. Because I am limited on how many hours the ECA will pay me, I often find myself without enough time to properly plan my group therapy sessions. This leaves me to doing it outside of work time. I do not have a problem doing some of this because I know that as I accumulate materials, curriculum, and experience, it will become easier for me to plan group therapy quickly.

            With the addition of added clients comes additional paperwork. Several of my clients are new to the ECA as so I am responsible for administering various evaluations and tests so that I can create treatment plans and recommendations. I do not have much experience in this so it takes me awhile to complete the write-ups, recommendations, and treatment plans. So far, other staff members have been very patient and supportive in helping me as much as they can in this process. However, with the environment being chaotic and everyone being busy, I do not get a lot of assistance in completing these documents.

            Being that I am new to all of this, and the only intern in the building, it is difficult not to compare myself to other staff members, particularly the other therapists. I know this unreasonable of me, but occasionally I do find myself getting stressed out due to thoughts of self comparison. This has not been helpful to my stress level, the work I am doing, or to the clients I serve. This stress was even beginning to affect me outside of work. I was finding it difficult to leave work at work. I would worry about what I had done with clients or what I would be doing with them in my next sessions. I was not providing bad practice and I had not done anything wrong to be so concerned about. Upon reflection, I realized that it was all due to me holding myself to unrealistic standards.

            Due to being surrounded by professionals that have their degree, license, and additional certificates or trainings, I was also holding myself to their same standards without realizing it. I was expecting too much of myself and putting too much pressure on what I was doing. In reality, I was and continue to do good work with my clients. I am putting in my best faith effort, doing no harm, following ethics codes, and maintaining sound boundaries while conducting therapy with my clients. I am not yet graduated and still have much to learn about adaptive what I have been taught at Stout to the adolescent residential setting. The work I am doing has been getting positive feedback by peers and superiors, and I am able to ask for help when I need it.

            Since realizing all of this, I have begun to see things in a different perspective. I continue to keep my eyes open for all opportunities to learn, I seek out additional resources as often as possible, and I do not allow myself to compare the work I am doing to the work of my experienced co-workers. Additionally, I have began to use additional coping skills of my own to stay focused while at work and to leave work at work. Specifically, I have begun to utilize some relaxation and meditation techniques before and after work every day over the last week and a half.

            The routine of my day now starts off with a brief 5 minute meditation to get myself centered and focused on the day and doing my best work. On the way to work I listen to a specific song and recite positive affirmations. Such things as “I am doing my best faith effort to help my clients as much as I can in the time I have them, with the resources available to me”, “I am still learning”, “I can only learn from, not expect myself to be, those professionals around me”, “nobody is expecting me to re-invent the wheel or cure my clients”, and “The choices my clients make are not a direct reflection of my capabilities as a therapist”. After work, I do an additional meditation exercise where I let go of all the loose ends from the day and stressful situations before I leave my office.

            I have found this to be extremely helpful for my own stress level. I have been more relaxed and focused throughout the work day as a whole, increasing my ability to give my best to my clients. I no longer think of or worry about my clients outside of work. I also am sleeping better and no longer dream about work or my clients. I am not getting overwhelmed with paperwork or feeling pressure to perform at the level of my co-workers. I intend on continuing this practice and additionally exploring my other coping skills further to refine them for maximum assistance for me in my practice.

Drugged Up Inspiration

Been overly active lately and I guess must have overdone it last night at Zumba cuz I woke up sore today. The good kind of sore that means you have had a great workout. Then I worked a day shift at the crisis center and sat at a desk with less than supportive computer chairs. My back was getting to me so I decided to take some of my pain meds upon getting home......

Its been about a half hour since I took them and I gotta say that I get why people get addicted to this kinda stuff.

My 5 Senses

I was thinking about this the other night and decided to finally put it into words. Something triggered me to wonder about this and here it is....I am about to attempt to list my top 5 things that fall into each of my 5 senses.

Sight

1- a client making a connection in session that leads to lasting change. This is the most rewarding feeling for me....ever. Working in residential I do no see a lot of quick change within my clients. One step forward, two steps back idea. So when a client does have one of those "ah-ha" moments it floors me and makes my week.

2- Constellations. I don't know much about them, but I adore watching them in a field late at night under a blanket and making up stories....with the one I love, of course.

3- Plane taking off. It is a mixture of a sense of beauty and awe as the plane breaks through the clouds, exposing the clouds as far as the eye can see. I also enjoy the landing and watching the landscape's symmetric geography bustle below, unaware of those looking down from above.

4- The ocean. so calm and so ferocious.

5- Approaching storms. watching clouds roll in and the wind pick-up, followed by the sky darkening as rain and lightning approaches. It's soothing.

Smell

1- England. Trust me, it has a distinct smell. And I love it. It makes me cry when I return from a trip because all of my belongings and myself smell of England. I do not notice it while I am there, only when I just land. I am hyper aware of it the second I leave. It gives me comfort. It soothes.

2- Clean Linen. Fresh scent that compliments everything.

3- Camp. well, the scent reminds me of it. Its that summery field, slightly damp grassy smell that emerges on a cooling summer evening.

4- rain on a summer night.

5- my hair in the rain. I know it sounds like I am full of myself, but it's a great smell. If I were a vampire, I'd find me irresistible in the rain.

Taste

1- Apples. my favorite food.

2- Cheese. so many good flavors that go well with so many things.

3- Cider. a good one. from England. clearly.

4- Tea. Not piping hot. sometimes of the English variety with milk, sometimes the crap stuff from a Chinese restaurant.

5- Tiramisu. best desert ever.

Sound

1- Alex's voice. I could haven in love with just that. I adore his voice and accent, specifically his vocal tone when addressing me. It changes when he speaks to me.

2- Alex's ring tone. It doesn't happen near enough. I will stop everything and frantically search for my phone when I hear it.

3- The skype noise when someone messages you. Similar to above, but I hear it more and a laptop's easier to find.

4- Rocky alternative guitar rocking music that's backed with some awesome piano and accompanied by a great voice and some emo lyrics.

5- a storm when I sleep. it soothes.

Touch

1- Cracking my back and neck in the morning. great start to the day. wakes me up and gets me moving and the bones back into place.

2- tracing my tattoos.

3- the purr of my cat. hands down the best at soothing me touch-wise when I am upset. I like it so much that I swear in a past life I was Autistic. The vibration when I cuddle him next to my body or lay my head on his tummy makes me never want to let go.

4- Massages. who doesn't? I prefer just getting the knots worked out to anything else....as long as I am not ticklish that day.

5- my bed. it is so comfy and also supportive on my back.

so there you go. turns out a lot of them are Alex related or for self-soothing purposes. It was interesting to sit and try to come up with. Good list. Makes me happy.

In Need of Some Inspiration

Been feeling a bit low lately. I am bored and stressed. And lonely. I miss Alex a lot...but that's another story. I am mostly preoccupied with what is going to happen after graduation. I know what I want and where I want to be. I never doubt that. I am worried about how to make it happen. I guess I am worried about failing. Worried about being inadequate. I think all of this comes from me finally realizing that some of those hopes and wishes I had for myself, the ones I thought were unrealistic, might be a possibility in my future if I work hard enough. I guess I doubt that I have the intelligence and skill to make it happen. I know that I am smart and determined, but what if I fall short and go for what I want and then fail. I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't make it happen.....I just really want to make a difference and reach my goals. And I am scared. Scared of trying. Scared of not trying. Scared of trying and failing. I know I am just having a moment of weakness and doubt. I am sure I will eventually head down that path. Or maybe I will go down a different one. At this point, I am unsure. And that's ok. I will work it out at some point. Then I will be on my way to a good future. The right future.

man I am lame. what a corny blog I create. yuck.

another internship one.

I have seen a lot of growth in myself over this past semester. I am noticing that I am getting a lot better at confronting clients when they are being incongruent. This was particularly difficult for me at the beginning of the program and something I have worked hard to change about myself. This skill has come in handy a lot with my current client population because so many of them lie, manipulate, and say things that are contradictory. Getting more comfortable utilizing this skill has made me a lot more at ease working with this population. I take a much more direct approach to topics than I originally started off doing with my clients. I am certainly still able to be soft and supportive, but have added the additional layer of ability to confidently confront the client. I think this shows to my clients because that appear more likely now to be honest with me when I do confront them.

Another thing I have noticed about myself throughout this semester is my ability to integrate multiple approaches into my sessions. I am finding it increasingly easier to add in various techniques that might work well for my clients. I have always been adaptable in my sessions but since incorporating techniques from a variety of theories I have found my ability to stay on topic or relate a client’s sidebar to the topic of discussion has increased. This has also allowed me to better tailor the session to the client’s needs at the time rather than attempting to plan ahead and squeeze in the planned technique around the direction the session followed.

Additionally, I have been able to observe a wide variety of technique and theory through my site supervisor and other therapists. It has been interesting to watch and interact with other therapists to get their opinions on client cases. I have enjoyed the input of the therapists because they have been able to educate me on a lot of the covert rules of the academy. This has helped to raise my awareness for things like gang related behavior, run preparation, common insults, and drug related terms that live exclusively in the ECA culture. This knowledge has helped me to detect manipulation and subtle defiant behaviors more quickly than before.