Dream #7

had a horrid dream on Sunday night. I had been working all weekend and was tired so went to bed fairly soon after returning from work. That probably had loads to do with it. here is goes:

I was chatting to the overnight guy after work (which I actually had done that night) and finally left. For some reason I was walking home during the day from work. The area was not familiar to me in real life but I seemed to know where I was going in my dream. I received a phone call from the wife of a man I had helped that night at work. on my cell phone for some reason. As I was talking to her, I noticed a man sortof stumbling along ahead of me. We were walking towards a highway overpass. It was one of the ones right by an exit because there was stoplights. I became increasingly concerned about the man in front of me, although not really giving him my full attention. As we approached the stoplight he suddenly jumped on the stoplight and crawled up to the top. It was one that was just on a straight pole on the curb and not that hangs over the road. He stood on top and now had my attention. Suddenly he began to, what looked like at first, fall off the stoplight. His body was stiff and he sortof fell over. Then I realized that he had intentionally jumped, as his body rapidly projected over the highway. A large truck was coming towards him. I realized, in slow motion almost, that he was trying to get hit. I started jumping up and down, running towards the road, in an attempt to get the drivers attention. The truck did not slow down. It, very graphically, hit the man and ran him over. It severed him and was gory. I will spare you the finer details, but it was very vivid as it bounced to a stop, vacant expression, right in front of me. Then I woke up. It was 5 something am and it took me ages to get back to sleep. I had terrible sleep for the rest of the time I slept that morning.

Internship Stuff

I am very much enjoying my internship this semester and am learning a lot. I primarily work on the sexualized boys unit, for those that have sexual perpetration charges or related concerning behaviors. I have not worked with this population in the past so I am finding it a big learning experience. Some of the topics commonly discussed were ones I never thought I would now be so comfortable talking about so bluntly. Mostly sexual related topics that our culture tends to shy away from talking about. This, however, is the biggest area of concern for these clients in many ways. It is something that needs to be addressed often so the clients have many opportunities to absorb the knowledge and make the appropriate changes within their lives. Although some of the clients have disturbing past behaviors, I never feel concerned for my safety when I am working with them. Occasionally I feel slightly uncomfortable when I realize that a client is having significant or violent fantasies about me or making inappropriate comments about other staff members. These are things I have learned to deal with and address without making it seem that I am fazed by them. I have learned that making this a big deal or not normalizing the behavior can make it more exciting for some of the clients. The most challenging part about working with this population is knowing that some of them will never change. I can see the significant lack of progress, manipulation, lack of remorse, and disregard for rules in some of the clients. With some experience in this population if has become easier for me to continue to work with these clients. I have learned to repeat some of the common themes often and to make the most of periods of motivation and progression. I do not view this as giving up on these clients, I see it as accepting that I can only work slightly harder at motivating the client than they are willing to put in on effort.  I remain positive that some of what I am doing is getting though to them, that I am setting the foundation for further treatment or placements they may have, and/or that I am being a positive adult role in their life. I am careful not to treat them like others typically do – like they are less than other kids their age because of their pasts. I know that part of the reason they have fallen into some of these behaviors is not their fault. Some of them have been abused or neglected and do not understand appropriate boundaries and relationships due to how they have grown up. It is also very rewarding to see the clients that are making positive choices and seem to be trying to make changes in their lives. I know that all of them will backslide when they leave the ECA, but I have hope that they will be able to take some of what they learned and apply it to their lives outside of treatment facilities.

Check-in

thought I would check in with everyone that reads this. i am doing a but better with things these days. i still have my good and bad days with everything that is going on. all in all things are looking up though. school and work are keeping me really busy. i am interning 3 days a week and work most weekends all weekend. then i still have my paper that i should be working on for my eating disorders class a few weeks ago. since i am off work this weekend that paper is my plan. shouldn't be hard. work has been busy lately. i guess its the changing of the seasons or something. lots of strange calls have been coming in a well. not really sure why. my mom suggested that last weekend was full moon time. makes sense. i do think that the weather and whatnot effect people, so why wouldn't the moon? it is really polarizing and changes ocean tides so its plausible to say that it also effects people. lets see....what else is happening.....i am getting to do a lot more in my internship. but that's for another post i rekon. chatting with alex a lot lately. that's always nice. hes doing well. hmm. i feel like this entry is a really bland summary of my life. nothing interesting to tell really. ive been scoping post grad jobs. that's been fun. its interesting to look at all the websites and try to determine if i might enjoy working there. i am looking at all residential places. there's lots of good ones out there. i have emailed a few. havent gotten much in the way of responses. but a girl can hope. been working on a lot of my art stuff. making some pretty cool altered art books. i should take photos of them and post them....perhaps i will. we shall see. anyways, i am boring myself so i rekon ill go work on my journal entries for internship. peace out.

back in the US of A

just got back on Friday afternoon. it was a productive and necessary trip. i am glad i went, altho it was a difficult trip for many reasons. all if fine. i am suffering from the usual emotions when returning. its exhausting to let myself process everything slowly. i hate the situation i am in. i hate not knowing what is going to happen. leaves me feeling insecure and anxious. ill survive and make due. i always do. thats the price i pay for the life i choose to lead. i look forward to it being over soon. its wearing on me. never really gets easier like i had hoped it would. dont even know why i am writing this if i am being honest. it is just coming across as pessimistic. guess ill be done. this is becoming pointless. back to cuddling morris and vacantly watching tv in an attempt to distract my mind. i need to get motivated to do a hobby or something....

Revelation

I had a revelation this morning that was based on recent eventful news. It has made me realize that I have to get out of God's way and let His plan work its self out. I will not be planning my next step, I will be allowing Him to guide me in the correct direction.....I realized today that He truly has been directing my life to the next step without me even knowing. He has hinted at it throughout my semester, but I was overlooking the signs. I see them now and am confident I am correct my unexpected step towards the future. I guess a night of feeling insecure and terrified was what it took to wake me up from planning and getting in my own way in His way. I am not ready to fully disclose what I think this plan is, but am anxious to let it unfold. I will keep everyone posted. 

And as for my conversation with Alex, I am (mostly) at peace with that as well. 

kind regards