The (Wo)Man in the Mirror

As part of practicum we are asked to begin considering our theoretical orientation. Seeing as I have been in graduate school for one year and "officially" counseling for a month-ish I haven't exactly chosen one. I haven't a clue really. I like bits and pieces from different ones, but haven't really found one that I super love. Part of this is due to lack of actual exploration with various techniques and conceptualizing within a specific theory. This past week in practicum class we were asked what we felt helped to facilitate change. The answer to this question is supposed to help us determine some theoretical options to explore. When asked this initially I couldn't even begin to put it into intelligible words. Not that I will be able to here, but I figured writing it out and attempting to explain it might help me work it out a bit more. Here goes nothing.

Of course, like many theoretical orientations, I believe that the therapeutic relationship between client and therapist is essential. If I do not relate to the client then a connection won't be established and the client won't buy into what I am trying to do. Also like many other theories, motivation from the client is key for meaningful change to take place. Those I know for sure, but they are not all I consider to be important in the process.

One other key element to change that I believe needs to occur is awareness of a lesson learned. Life throws  circumstances our way and we determine if they are positive, neutral, or negative. This can depend on past life experiences, current mood, or additional related circumstances, among other factors. Whether we know it or not, all experiences we have are teaching us something. They could be reinforcing or weakening old lessons, or establishing a new lesson about ourselves, others, and/or the world around us. This, I believe, can be conscious or unconscious, but inevitable. We cannot stop a lesson from being learned but have the ability to, if we choose, alter old/long-standing lessons as well as control (to an extent and with sometimes large effort) lessons as we have the experience. 

An example: if I did not have a positive male role model growing up and my first meaningful romantic relationship with a male were to fall into a pattern of physical abuse towards myself followed by my boyfriend "making up for it" with material gifts and kind words, then I may learn a variety of lessons. Lessons could include: me thinking this is what "love" really is, me fearing or hating all males, or that I am a bad person that somehow deserves this abuse. Although I did not consciously choose to learn this lesson, overtime one or more of those lessons would be ingrained into my belief system. 

Where does my idea of change come in, you ask? Well, I think that we can choose to change these and related thoughts or beliefs by learning a new lesson from this experience. Contrary to other theories, I think that the way to change these would be by exploring the events that lead to the lessons and "rewriting" the lesson portion of the event. This means trying to find an alternative lesson that is more adaptive, useful, and/or positive. It is not realistic to think that by finding an alternative, more adaptive lesson that we can make a negative experience (like the one above) into a positive one. But I do think there is some resolution and closure that can be achieved through exploration that can lead to something useful.....I think I am kinda starting to ramble and am jumping around now.....

basically, I guess I think that by finding the positives in a negative experience can help us to more adaptively cope with and internally resolve what has occurred, leading to a more neutral or accepting outlook. But it does not stop there. I think an equally important aspect is putting that lesson to use and believing it. AKA it has to be exhibited and internalized. This will, in tern, lead to a higher quality of life, more self satisfaction, and acceptance (both of self and experience) when combined with things such as personal strengths an effective coping skills. 

I don't know. That is really all I have at this point for how I believe change occurs. In a vague sense anyways. but that is a start, right? Nailing down this a bit better will hopefully lead me to realize which theories are along the same lines. Then I can look into them for further assistance on how I might prefer to conduct therapy.

Birthday Trip

It seems so long since I have returned form England. I have tried a million and three times to write all about the wonderful trip I had and put it up here for everyone to see. I just haven't been able to do it justice and it has made me sad every time I have tried. Here is goes for the last time.....you will all just have to make due with this, sorry. I could talk for days about everything I have done, but nobody really had the time or will to listen to all my endless chatter. Here are some of the abbreviated highlights instead:

My trip was mainly a visit due to the fact that I hadn't been in over a year and know that I will not be able to visit in at least another year. Christmas vacation was really my only chance and I debated a lot on whether to book a flight or not. Of course I did and I went. This blog entry wouldn't exist if I hadn't. 

My flights were all ok. Every flight on the way there was delayed. I was stuck in CR for 2 hours before finally flying out due to the weather and too much ice on the incoming place I was supposed to be flying out on. I swore I was going to miss my connection. Luckily I arrived 10 minutes after it was supposed to be boarding (originally I was supposed to have a layover in Detroit for 1.5 hrs). I ran from one end of the airport to the other. I swear that things never go smoothly for me when I fly through that airport. I actually had to walk out on the runway to get into the airport cuz planes were late and delayed. Welp, after the run I found out that my plane wasn't even there yet. I ended up waiting an hour before we got on a different plane to Amsterdam. I had a 5 hr layover in Amsterdam so less of a wait there was fine. That plane only left just under an hour late. Somehow we still arrived in Birmingham on time. 

I was unaware if Alex would be picking me up from the airport or not. He had to go to school that day for something he could not miss and wasn't sure if he would make it back in time to pick me up. To my joy, he did make it in time and was there awaiting my arrival. I was exhausted, as usual, upon my arrival due to not being able to sleep much on the crowded overnight flight. I chatted for a few hours and ate something before heading to bed early the first night. 

The first day I was pretty lazy and chatted with his family and unpacked my things. The second full day we had to be up early for my birthday trip.Alex took me for 3 days to a town up north called York. It is a cute little town that is surrounded by a stone wall and is completely old looking. It was super fun. It was so nice to start out the trip being just the two of us for a few days. We took a train there and stayed in the EconoLodge, after working out some strange, misleading mishap with payment that every other customer coming in seemed to also be having. The hotel was nice. We got an upgrade so that was fun. We spend our time there going to all the museums, walking around, and going to all the haunted stuff they had there. We partook in a nighttime ghost walk through the town, toured a haunted house with some Australian guy, and did this permanently set up haunted house thing where we got to partake in the fun. I was burnt at the stake for witchcraft. The haunted house thing was partially based on the history of the town, but also was interactive - having both real people and animated ones throughout the house. We also visited the York museum and learned all about when the vikings took over that bit of England. Each room had a different smell to it that you couldve smelt in the time period and I got to make my own coin. There was also a ride through a scaled replica of a viking town the museum was built ontop of. It was fascinating.

For my actual birthday we went out with everyone for a meal at Nandos, a chicken place, and then to a pub. It too was a good time. We went out out with people a few other times throughout my stay. Always fun and the cider is amazing. 

Alex had to go to school a few days that I was there so I would go with him into town and either shop or have coffee and read at the cafe thing in his building. The hot chocolate was terrible. Th bad hot chocolate day was also the day I decided to wear my new victorian style heels I brought with me for the first time all day. I wasn't too worried cuz they had given me no trouble when being worn for a few hours at a time....I wanted to die wearing those shoes all day. My feet felt on fire and my ankles were giving out as I walked. I was in so much pain that after Alex was done with class I made him take me to get a different pair of shoes to wear. I bought a cheap pair at Primark (kinda like a Gordman's). My feet hurt for days and huge blisters covered the entire pad of each foot. Weeks later it peeled off. I was feeling the pain of those shoes foe at least a week. It was bad.....I am sure that I will wear them again tho. I will just be sure to break them in better first. 

We also did a murder mystery that was victorian themed. In the game I was engaged to Alex's dad. That was fun. I got to play a naive 19 yr old whom enjoyed poetry. Alex was a foppish poet. It was very fun, as always. There were plenty of drinks and way too much food. It makes me wanna host one here sometime to be honest!...and no, I was not the killer. 

Luke and Jo were in a pantomime that we attended as well. It was not anything like what I was expecting and not what you are probably thinking of at all. It was like a childrens musical/play. It was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. There was extra characters thrown in and part of the way through the story something in the plot goes wrong and the audience tries to help them fix it. Then theres musical numbers and bright costuming. Plus a comedic role where a guy plays a girl. It was very interesting and amusing.  

That really does it for the major things we did. The rest of the time was spent doing normal things. Having dinner, spending time with his family, catching up with everyone. We went to the arcade one night with people. Did some shopping. Watched movies. Hung out.....just normal things really. I almost enjoy that more. Just being together and doing normal things is wonderful. The activities are great and I love doing them...but just doing nothing and being lazy is the best. Or having days where we don't plan anything and then kinda just go find interesting things to do based on what we are feeling up to. 

So there you have it. A pretty brief idea of what all I did oversees :)

To All The Dreamers Out There

Since starting my practicum experience at Eau Claire Academy (ECA) I have been reading a book on EMDR during my downtime there. I am only a few chapters in because Lita keeps me pretty busy, but am really enjoying the book. I have done a bit of research in the past on EMDR and written a few papers about it, but never read an entire book on it. For those of you not well ad versed in my therapy world, EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a kind of therapy  that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. It asks clients to recall details of traumatic events while focusing on an external stimulus, typically following the therapist's laterally moving finger. Of course it is more complex then that, but that is about as simple as I can make it. It is a kind of treatment that I would have to be formally trained in and be certified to administer. I think it is one that I may look into once I graduate. I feel as though it could be useful for the clientele I am wanting to work with. It is a very intense and fast paced therapy that has had very good success with such populations as individuals with PTSD. This, of course, could apply to some of the individuals whom self harm that I intended on eventually working with. Evidence is still being gathered on how well it works with that population. The intensity can be triggering for some individuals.Luckily I want to work in residential, so individuals could be well monitored. But that's thinking too far ahead...

The most interesting thing thus far in the book is a portion of a chapter that discusses dreams. Call me crazy but I have always been one of those people whom thought that dreams meant someone. I have never been all Freud and been crazy about analyzing them, but have always been interested in interpretations of dreams. My sister bought me a dream dictionary that I use quite a bit for fun. Some of it is helpful, other bits don't seem to fit for myself or the people whom have asked me to look something up in the book.

I think the the danger with using a book of that sorts is that dreams are so subjective. In order to look up something in one of those books the stimulus needs to be relatively neutral for the dreamer. This, of course, doesn't usually work if you are dreaming about specific people. People are usually not neutral. Our life experiences determine what we see as neutral in the waking world. An oak tree could be neutral to me, but be connected to a memory or person, which would change the interpretation of the dream to align with the dreamers experience.

I have completely gotten off track so I will stop there...I could go a long time on that topic. Back to the EMDR book.

According to the book, dreams might possibly be a way for our minds to process information, including significant life events and unresolved issues that have been triggered in waking life. There has been a correlation between the eye movements of REM sleep and the brain processing information. It is thought that this is similar to how EMDR works so quickly and effectively to help the brain speed up the process of healing that was stalled during the traumatic event.    

Anybody else out there find this amazing? I just think it is unbelievable what EMDR can do in such a short amount of time for someone. It is something I am definitely going to learn more about. 

In practicum we have been asked to think about our theoretical orientation. I do not have one. I like the structure that comes with CBT, a therapy that I was required to take a course on and that is emphasized in the program. There is no denying that it works, and I am sure I will use many aspects of it in my therapy post graduation. Particularly at first, when I am still developing myself as a therapist. But I do not feel it is the end all be all. I prefer the additional complexity of DBT, which is derived from CBT but was created to work with the borderline personality disorder population...another population that fascinates me because of their complexity. This population also has issues with self-harm sometimes and DBT specifically addresses self-harm in therapy. Clearly another good choice for me. 

The other therapy I am interested in learning about would be the programming specifically created for NSSI (non suicidal self injury) by the S.A.F.E Alternatives program. It was the first facility to open up that specifically addresses and is tailored for NSSI. It is an amazing program with a wonderful success rate. A place I would love to work someday. The programming is outlined on the website, but I am unsure exactly how it works. There is very little published studies on it and nothing to be found about the theories used. From what I can tell, it appeared to be a combination of the above theories I have mentioned but with the central focus on making the  choice to stop engaging in NSSI. I am wanting to take a tour this summer and see if it really is all it seems to be. It is a nationally known treatment center and, as far as I know, the only center of its kind in existence. 

I am hopeful that I can work on further developing this within my internship....even though I do not have any clients currently that engage in NSSI. I might have to work on the other theories I subscribe to in the time being. Sad, but helpful and useful since it will be many years until I will get to work with specifically that population I have a feeling. 

Post England Blues

So, as expected, it has taken me forever to write something since returning from England. I feel that every time I go there I continue to get more and more attached to the culture. Of course I adore everyone I have met and of course spending time with Alex anywhere would make me happy....but I truly believe that I fit in better with English culture. Particularly when comparing it to my current small town Wisconsin culture.

The last few weeks have been rough, Alex wise. Not that anything at all bad has happened in our relationship. I am just suffering from some major post England blues.  For the first week I didn't want to even talk or see anyone. I did the typical depressed emo thing and cried at night a lot and snuggled up with pillows. I couldn't get to sleep at night and the sleep I got was less than restful. Plus it wasn't until this past weekend that I was able to sleep past 8:30 am, no matter how tired I was. My appetite has definitely increased. Which is highly unusual for me. Apparently I have been drawn to comfort eating. I am glad that has finally subsided.

I think the long distance has just finally gotten to me a bit. We have been doing this for nearly 4 years and it has gotten more than old. It doesn't help that I see everyone around me getting engaged, married, or having babies. Not that I am in a super rush for particularly the latter, but seeing everyone so happy and having things together makes for a more difficult transition for me. At least this time around.

I have been trying since I have gotten back to Wisconsin to keep myself busy and use lots of coping skills. I have been trying to find some hobbies to occupy my time, particularly ones that involve other people. I have a tendency to keep to myself and felt that it would be a good idea to join a few clubs so I can have fun interactions with others...since I am only taking 2 classes this semester. I have been looking into a few different ones, have only joined one thus far. I am hopeful tho.