the novel of life, post-Alex

i am on day 4 of being without Alex and can only now bring myself to write about what i am feeling and going through. not that it is something anyone else even cares to read about. its going to be a depressing one. brace yourself.

he left on wed morning. i dropped him at the airport around 9. i was really good about not being a hugely sad panda before the day he left. i stayed very positive and focused on enjoying the last little bit i had with him. on wed i coundnt really do it anymore. i didnt cry until we got to the airport, but i was pretty quiet. Alex said it was the most quiet car ride he has ever had with me. i didnt mean it to be that way, i was just trying not to cry the whole time. i was able to get it together, for him, and make some conversation and focus on him til we got to the car park. it was all downhill from there.

he didnt cry. i did. i think he was being strong for me. i always cry harder when he cries

i am pretty sure he started crying once i turned to walk away because he usually watches me walk away. not this time. but he told me he wouldnt. because it made it easier for him to focus on something else and not cry. altho i cried, i managed to keep it to quiet tears while infront of him. it progressed to an immediate emptiness inside me as soon as i turned to walk away. thinking back on it, i imagine it actually looked quite similar to New Moon when bella clutches her stomach and looks like she is in pain (yeah i know, lame. i twilight comparison). cept i was walking and tears were falling. people were prlly starring.

i am usually a pretty observant person, but i cannot really remember seeing many people cry in airports in the past. which strikes me as odd. maybe i am just far more emo than i thought.

walking to my car was all in slow motion. i saw people watching me as i hugged my stomach and starred blankly ahead of me, slowing walking to my car. as soon as i was within my car the tears really fell.

i sobbed.

all slouched over in the drivers seat. i looked at my clock 20 minutes later, still sobbing, and forced myself to stop. i attempted to fix my eye makeup in the mirror that was not smeared all down my face. i wish i would have had a camera. i looked a mess, but it was honest, pure sadness. and it was beautiful, i even thought so while i was in the moment. i think it was just my artistic side clashing with my emotion at the moment.

i knew enough to pack kleenex in my purse for the occasion and went to work on my eyes. as i tried to fix them, my eyes began to fill up once again and I struggled to force them away. eventually i was able to smudge some eyeliner back on and proceeded to the exit......the sun stung my eyes, making them water. or perhaps bringing forth more on-the-verge tears. i cant really be sure. i slammed my sunglasses angerly on my face, partially in annoyance that i had just fixed my eyes and partially in anger that i couldnt control my own tear ducts, and wound my car around the car park until i found the pay booth. i already knew how much it would be and grabbed $5 out of my purse. i handed it to the lady and she told me to have a good day. it made me want to scream in anger and pain, but i mumbled a thanks and drove to mall of america (MOA).

by the time i got to the MOA my eyes were smudged from tears once again. it wasnt a full on sob, it was a manageable cry that i could still drive during. i fixed them once again, focusing extra hard on getting my eyes dry so the makeup would stick. i dont know why i bother with makeup on days that he leaves. i know i am going to cry it off anyways. i guess it is just my attempt to look halfway human when he leaves. i parked at MOA in the same section I always do - Indiana, section C. not many cars were there yet, but then again it was before 10 am on a wed. it actually took me until i got inside to realize that the mall hadnt opened yet. i mindlessly walked around the mall until it opened. turns out i was over 30 minutes early. not quite sure how i managed that. i intended on scoping out the stores i wanted to go to, but i ended up just starring and walking, allowing myself to feel nothing but the cold air conditioning on my skin. I guess i had expected it to be hot that day, but if course it was too early and i was inside a mall so it was very cold.

i eventually returned to my car and grabbed my kill hannah sweatshirt. something that was less than appropriate with my peach silk shirt and pleated skirt. i zipped it up all the way and returned to the mall. i shopped around for a few hours. picked out a pair of tweed dress pants and 3 blazers which were on sale. all things my wardrobe needed, at least that is what i told myself.

i was probably more rude to store workers than i intended. it made me cringe every time i entered a store and someone cheerfully greeted me and asked me how my day was.....it was almost as if they thought they could change my mood by denying my obviously somber mood existed. they were just doing their jobs, and i tried to fake it; but i know i was far from convincing. i couldnt get a smile out, nor a happy sounding voice.

one girl was overly rude to me. i was the only shopper in her particular store and she loudly bounced over to me and nearly shouted in my face "hi! how are you doing today?" then looked at her fellow workers and stifled a giggle. i looked straight in her eyes,i am 100% sure they were relatively piercing, and said "shitty". she countered back without missing a beat "well i sure am happy to see you this morning, arent you happy to see me?". i didnt respond, i started to make my way towards the door. she half skipped over to the other workers who were putting clothing on hangers and started talking, still loudly, about what her next (and i swear she called it this) line would be to attack costumers with....then they all began laughing and talking about all of the odd things they could "shock" costumers by greeting them with.

after that, i couldnt stomach shopping any longer and drove home. with the radio off. not sure why i did that to myself, it only made me think of Alex. a few tears fell as i drove past the airport exits and saw planes flying overhead.

i think after that is when the numbness really set in.

i got home and my door was open, being painted. i had forgotten that i received a note on my door from the night before saying they would be painting my door today. morris had been locked in my bedroom all day. i knew i should go visit him. i checked on him and made sure everything in my apartment was in order. it was. i dropped my shopping bags off and then left again to run errands.

i came back once and picked up morris, took him to the park. i was desperately trying to distract myself. the rest of the day was alternating me feeling nothing, being completely numb, and crying from the pain of the (yes, im going to reference New Moon again. i cant help that Stephanie Myer got some stuff right) hole in my chest. that pretty much describes where i am still at. the crying has lessened and the numbness has taken over most of the time. i still feel the hole, but i refuse to allow it to make me cry....most of the time it works.

i dont think i have ever felt this numb before....well i have, but not over Alex, and just in general not in a really long time. i worry at the back of my mind that i will accidentally allow the numbness to completely take over and get settled into the numb. luckily school starts up again soon so i will be forced into social situations and seeing everyone again. i was excited about that, until the numbness came. now i dont care. i want to see everyone, but right now i know i would be useless because i am not sure how much faking i can do. oddly enough, the faking has been pretty easy at work. i didnt think it would come back so easily. but it has. i can def tell the difference, and catch myself being completely fake. but i dont think people at work know me well enough to tell the difference. hey, maybe by the time school starts i will be even more convincing.....thats a horrible thing for me to think. i guess i am struggling with this numbness more than i thought. but i have plans on monday so hopefully that will help get me back on track and ease into being myself again. whatever that is supposed to mean.

i guess that is just where i am at right now. like i said, not quite sure why i havent reacted like this in the past. i think it must have something to do with the fact that 10.5 months is a freaking long time, the longest we will have been apart. you can imagine how much i hate the idea. but we will get past it. hopefully we will work out something to break that 10.5 months to something more manageable. either way i will eventually return to my "normal" state of being without him. and either way we will make it past this and see one other eventually. i know that at the back of my mind and it is what keeps me going and assures me that everything will be ok......

the only other thing that bothers me is that i havent spoken to Alex since he got back. he said he would call me and i know that was his intentions. my bet is that he slept right after getting back and then all of his friends got there early. i know everyone was excited to see him and were coming over the day he got back to help him get ready for their trip this weekend. i very much look forward to him getting back home tomorrow and calling me. it will be nice to hear his voice. i also look forward to him getting a phone once his parents get back from holiday. then things will get settled back into our normal away routine and i will feel even more assured.

friggin all i have left to say is that someone needs to make a movie of our life...and NO that stupid movie with Drew Barrymore, Going the Distance (?), something like that...def not anything like what Alex and I go through. i know it already. and I know because I dislike Drew Barrymore. ha. i will prlly still see it when it comes to redbox so that i can criticize it to pieces. cuz its just a movie and it will make me feel better. it prlly will get some things right, but it cant describe everything i go through. no way in hell...so yeah, once Alex and I are together together, and once he settles in the US with citizenship and everything, someone should make a movie of our life. because it would be a very emotional one....with a happy ending, no matter what!

.....gosh i am so freaking emo.....

Bliss

So I haven't written in a month. It has been very busy. The whole summer has actually flown by. I got to spend way more time in Iowa with Alex than expected. It was fantastic. And he spent 10 days with Me between the end of camp and him leaving for home. Obviously it was fantastic. Here is what happened......figured I'd write a good one before I got to the post-Alex misery. lol

The first weekend we spent with my family in Iowa. He did his thing on the last night with camp people. I was kinda annoyed with him to be honest over some miscommunications and a few people who were...less than kind to me....out at camp. The night ended up with me picking him up from camp at 10 pm and going with him to a local bar for karaoke and drinks. I did not drink, he had a few, and I stood there talking to few people sine it was all camp people and me. Several people proceeded to ignore me, which was a bit uncomfortable, but others were nice. I was pretty quiet as a result and we only stayed for 2 hours.

The rest of the weekend we went fishing at the barn with my parents, my younger sister and her boyfriend, and my older sister and her family. It was a really good time, much like the one at the beginning of the summer. On the sunday we returned to the barn and took family pictures, some of which can be seen on facebook. We all actually took some really good ones and I think everyone was pleased. Afterwards we went to Coldstone....all in our matching black shirts. It was kinda amusing because someone actually asked Alex and I why we were all wearing black. I thought about telling them we were in a cult, but told the truth instead. go me i spose.

Alex and I eventually made it back to Menomonie with Morris. The drive went a lot better than expected. Not much traffic, good weather, and Morris settled in pretty quickly (he hates car rides). The next week and a few days went by really fast. To be honest, we did not do much of anything. But it was amazing. We slept in, lazed about, cuddled all day to movies, saw 2 movies in the theatre, and cooked dinner together every night. We went shopping a few days and only allowed ourselves to eat out twice. It may sound boring to some, but it was perfect for us. We are much more content cuddling than doing anything else. It is kinda interesting because we both notice other couples when we are out and about in our respective countries, and wish we could be together doing things like every other couple. We miss out on all the activities other couples get to do.....and then when he is here we would much rather hang out alone and just be together than go do things. Don't get me wrong - we very much enjoy activities together, but doing nothing is so much more appealing when our time is limited.

The only other thing of note that we actually chose to go out and do was a renaissance festival that was about 1.5 hrs away, in Minnesota. We attempted to go to bed early the night before so we could get up at the crack of dawn and make it there just as it opened for the day, but we ended up being so excited that we couldn't sleep....and we laid in bed for hours talking and singing songs from movies and boy bands...yes you read that right. My neighbors probably hate me cuz we did that several days in a row after that. Not that we sang loud, but my bed is against the wall of my neighbors bedroom and there was lots of laughing soooo we potentially kept them up. oops :P

The festival ended up being so much fun! Not that I expected anything less. Some people think that kind of thing is odd but we both love it. It was a permanent place that does events all year round. It was made of 3 villages with permanent structures...including several stages, a pirate ship, and a castle! I have never been to one where so many people that do not work there are dressed up! It was way fun cuz you could not tell alot of the "cast" from the visitors! And a lot of people attempted fake accents, that were horrid and we secretly giggled at. We did meet a few actual foreigners that enjoyed speaking to Alex, got to see a big tortoise pull a cart, a guy juggle flaming things while a flaming spinner thing was on his head AND he was walking on a burning tightrope, watched all kinds of joists and fencing, played some games (by that I mean Alex shot a crossbow and threw both axes and throwing stars!), pet animals, walked through the cutest and most romantic "enchanted forest" full of fairy houses (it even had this little grove with a waterfall and people dressed up like fairies playing instruments and singing on the rocks....it was beautiful), and did lots of shopping. There was things to look at everywhere and everyone was very nice. Alex bought some stuff for himself and a few of his friends....plus he bought me a flower (that ironically lasted until the morning after he left) AND a really cool pulled metal ring that I absolutely love. I also got to try mead for the first time. Alex told me to get the plain kinds cuz it would be better. It was pretty good, not something I could drink more than one glass of tho. Alex said in England it is thicker, more like a honey consistency, and has a higher alcohol content. According to him, its something you can't drink much of, but that after one glass you are definitely feeling drunk. Can't say one of the tiny glasses we had made me intoxicated, but it was fun to try. Very very sweet. Kinda like drinking honey, even tho the one we has was not very viscus.

Luckily I was able to give all of my shifts away while he was in Menomonie but 2. Of course, those were two days in a row, and I was naturally displeased that I had to go in at all due to the fact that it was at the end of his time here. But, because Alex is amazing, he did nice things for me while I was gone. The first night I worked I came home to a kiss, a hot bath waiting for me (complete with soothing music and candles EVERYWHERE), an italian dinner, and a clean apartment. Plus, he gave me a back rub before bed. It was amazing. The table was all decorated and we had wine. The food was yummy and Alex could not have done anything nicer. The second night he upped the food and made me the best mashed potatoes I have ever had (cheesy garlic ones), asparagus, and delicious grilled spicy chicken. We watched a movie that night and I got a back rub again. It was all so very very nice of him.

Overall, the time together was perfect, too short, but perfect. We had a great time and I ate up every moment of it.